Omens

It’s funny how life works sometimes. The universe shows us omens all the time whether we choose to accept them or not. The difference between the former and the latter is that one we are ready to see and the other we are just blind to. All the filters that block our way from seeing the reality of things.

This morning I got home from working the night shift, I do my usual routine. Then I hit the bathroom where I Remeber to take out the contact lens solution and case with her contact lenses in it. I wanted to take them out because I’m going to a seminar with her today and I’ll be seeing her so I figure it’s a good time to give them back to her, do away with the last remaining trace of what’s hers in the house. I take out the bottle and realize it’s pretty much empty. Don’t think much of it. Till I curiously decide to open up the contact lenses case to see what the lenses look like. I’ve never seen one up close as I don’t wear contacts. I open up the case only to find them empty! What I saw made me laugh. That kind of silly laugh. The one that comes from the higher Self when it finds something so obvious and redic at the same time. EMPTY!! The last thing I have of hers, the thing that still represents her I’ve been holding on to for sssooo many months now….. IS FUCKING EMPTY!! I don’t know if your making the connection right now. The thing, representing her, is empty. All surface. No substance. Everything that’s represented by her is empty. Just like whatever she is in, like our relationship is empty. It’s all for show. Substance develops with hardships. Mistakes. Wrong doings. Trials and tribulations. Realizations. The blessed ones get to have these moments in life to realize what’s important. To realize what we have and how valuable it is. The rest is just so fleeting. Our deepest fears are those of being alone in this life. And it’s for a reason. Even if not realized now, they always will be in the end. One of the best quotes I’ve ever heard was…. All will be revealed in the end.

I was talking to my up line team mate this morning. This lady is awesome! She’s the one that got me into this one direct marketing business I run. I was telling her about the breakup, she knows very well how much I was affected last time. I was a mess. We’re chatting and she’s telling me how great I sound this time compared to lash time and all that. Before we get started talking business she tells me a story of her friend who’s 50, always been single. Lived her life “to the fullest”, did the whole career thing and went about her life on the superficial. I’m sure she had lots of fun in her life. Played it like it was her last. And now she’s 50, she tells her she’s just so lonely. The man of her dreams passed her by and no doubt cause she couldn’t give enough of herself over to and get over her own self to be able to see the outcome of her actions. Now she’s 50 and alone. Anyone she find now will be 100% settling. Her dreams were too big, her ego was too big, and she was living all about the moment. Her priorities were just to succeed on her own. And she did. She succeeded on her own. And now she’s a success, On her own. All on her own. All alone.

My heart went out to her. There’s no going back to redo. Realizing way too late, to me, is the worst fate. I’m certainly blessed to be in my prime and making these realizations now. Before its way way too late. Having my anxieties, panic attacks, failures, heartbreaks, health issues, all this at a young age where I’m strong enough to deal with them and smash them. Some are not so fortunate. Some learn this right at the end. Some never learn it and die miserable. I don’t want to be that. Ever! I don’t want to divorce at 50, when there’s children involved cause I’m in a loveless marriage. Or worse yet, stay in a relationship that makes me absolutely miserable every day of my life. Or even worse yet, have my wife be miserable and me stressing patient with her, not talking, not having fun, not enjoying my golden years like my parents. It terrifies me that it could turn out like that. They were too busy to make those realizations then and only made them when it was too late. As a man who’s relatively successful I can stay a bachelor for quite a while, so there’s no fear there. My taste will change I’m sure. I won’t want the 21 year olds anymore. Well I don’t now. Now I want the 25 year olds. Soon it’ll be the 30 year olds. But I don’t need to be locked down. Woman on the other hand, well that’s a whole other story. But what I do want is someone to grow with. Not just grow old with but grow together with. Remeber all the fun crazy stuff we used to do as stupid kids. All the crazy times we’ve been through. The ups and the downs. Go through hell and back with them. Only to come out stronger than ever. And for me that was her. Now the ex. And for the foreseeable future, that’s how she will remain. It feels like a shame but I know that everything works out for the best. Exactly the way it should. I wasn’t happy. And I knew it, but told myself that I made commitment and will act from that and not from my feelings and thoughts. Doing that in the right situation and the right relationship is noble and wise. Doing that in the wrong situation and relationship will only lead to heartache, heartbreak, misery, and this dead empty feeling inside that can’t ever be filled. Doing the right thing for the wrong reason is way worse than doing the wrong thing for the right reason.

A wise man once said, you have to have faith that the dots will connect in the future. So just do the work. Create the expectations. And chill the fuck out!! The most successful people on the planet do the work and then let things come to them. And that’s what I’ll do. So for now, I must do the work. And the work is not hard. It’s not meant to be hard. It’s supposed to be fun, light, joyous. Small increments of joy bring big ones. Small. Miracles bring big ones. Momentum builds. Then the universe has no choice but to give you what your after. What you really want. Focus on what you want and stop giving attention to what you do not want. The universe can only give what your focused on, good or bad. So focus on the good and let the good flood to you till you have no idea what to do with all of it! Enjoy each moment equally with valour!

Parting thought…..

“If we were standing in your physical shoes, that would be our dominant quest: entertaining yourself, pleasing yourself, loving yourself, connecting with yourself, being yourself, enjoying yourself, loving yourself. Some say,” well Abraham you teach selfishness.” And we say, yes we do, yes we do, yes we do, because unless you are selfish enough to reach for that connection, you don’t have anything to give anyone, anyway. And when you are selfish enough to make that connection – you have an enormous gift that you give everywhere you are. ” – Abraham

It’s still not resolved…

Neuronal patterns. Once created, they are hard to break. Although not impossible. I heard a great quote yesterday, it goes like this…. Neurons that fire together, wire together. The more you think about something or react to something in a certain way, neurons will wire up that way so you follow that way of thought or emotion easier. The brain is lazy and will look for the easiest way to do something in a way that uses the least amount of energy. It’s efficient, but if not checked will lead us down a rabbit hole. The brain is a great tool but a terrible master. This is the whole discussion of IT (the brain) VS. Self (the spirit). Getting a little sidetracked now. I say all this to explain what happened today.

GF is a real estate investor, and she got approached by a client that I’ve had some… Well… Not the best feeling about. As in the reason for his wanting to invest is less than savoury. Ulterior motives. She’s an attractive girl. Great catch. And if your willing to pursue then would make a great long term partner, obv why I’ve invested myself and efforts in this relationship. So he flats his R8, car she wants obv, says she can’t drive if she wants and all this, you know…. Flash cash at a young money hungry girl and it makes their eyes twinkle. But I’m like, why worry about something I can’t control, right?! If she’s a gold digger then this will be the point it’s revealed. So yesterday he invests, and promised to invest even more. She’s been worried about money lately so this comes at a perfect time. He saved her. She talks about his more than I’d like, but ok, fine whatever. Today she’s freaking out (in a good way) at a logo with her IG name he made her. So for me it struck a nerve. It’s like going back sometime when a boy would make a girl a mixtape when he had a crush on her. Which brought back some old feelings. Right away I react in an extreme manner and emotionally start pulling out. Start getting ready for the inevitable. Extreme, right? Well it brought back all the same feelings as I had during the breakup. So they’re still there. They left shortly after we started being a thing again, and got replaced with older emotions, pre-breakup emotions and thoughts. Tension too. I couldn’t figure out why. I was even thinking about those feelings felt, but couldn’t reproduce them. So I figured they’re gone. Well with one text, they came back. Yupp, still wired together. Resentment is still present. I’m clearly still not settled in this. I still don’t think she’s in it. My story, and its just that for now, just a story. And not to offend anyone out there, but girls are guilable, for the most part. They have no idea when they’re being played by a guys. We’re sneaky, we’ll use anyway to get you to crush on us, even secretly. You’ll think it’s harmless, till the slow slide ends up with you focusing more on the next guy than on your current relationship, and then it happens. We play the long game, well some true pros do at least. We’ll be relentless when we want something. Total mind fuck. And before you know it, we’ve stolen you away without you even knowing it. It’s a dirty game but the saying holds true, all’s fair in love and war.

So what do I do then? Well the short answer is, nothing. If I bring it up then I’m jealous. And if I pull away then it was my fault cause I backed out. So what then? Well, if your not giving your 100% in a relationship all the time then your not doing it right. Cause if you are, then no matter what happens you’ll never need to forgive yourself if it fails. You gave it 100%, it’s all you could have done. In that case, you lucked out. Better to be done with a less than savoury charter early on than 10 years deep. That’s when it really hurts. So it’s business as usual until it’s not business as usual. Thoughts and emotions are overwhelming, but what your commited to is what dictates how you behave and the actions that you take. It might seem fake, but that only if you are a slave of your thoughts and emotions. When your a creator, whatever way of being you create is authentic as long as you know your SELF and take action from there, regardless of what your mind is feelings are screaming at you. It’s the old biting of the tongue, the swallowing of the pride, the old taking it like a man, the old cowboying up. Many terms. Same thing. And if in the end, you’ve done everything, and you biatch leaves your ass for someone with more money….. Then fuck that gold digging bitch. She can be someone else’s problem. As the English say, good riddance to bad rubbish. Bye bitch (insert the bbm emoji where he’s one hand waving with a big ol smile).

So it’s been a little while

As the title states, it’s been a little while since I’ve had the chance to unleash my thoughts on these pages. The therapeutic factor of it is priceless and yet I haven’t made time for this to happen. As much as I’d love a following reading my stuff daily and getting something from it that might make their day a little better, it really is more if a selfish pleasure. Also maybe something to leave to a future generation that will not know the joy of reading old notes from a paper journal. The smell of the old pages, the feel of the paper between their fingers, the fact that it never needs to be recharged and yes you still need light to see the words. Maybe it’s just nostalgia, who knows. Regardless, it’s been a while. In the 2 months exactly, A LOT has happened!! And when I say A LOT I mean AAAALLLOOOOTTTTT!!!!!

To start off, Christie and I are back together as BF/GF. A fact that will be concealed from my rents at all costs for the time being, but that in itself is a whole other post that needs its time. So yeah, we’re back.

On a side note, I was driving to work this morning at 5am, no one on the road, and I was thinking about this blog. Do much so that I had to add it to my calendar to make a point of writing. So I was thinking that it’s funny how during the darkest of times in a person’s life is the best time to write, get it out, lock it up on paper and get it out of the mind. That’s all when the pain is deepest and the writing is richest. It’s when the best words can be strung together in the best way and make the reader feel the best of the worst of life. BUT, it’s also the time when the spirit is crushed and has no will to write or even share any of it. On the flip side of that, during the happiest time in a person life is when writing is the richest in a happy joyous way, but usually if your enjoying life that much, who’s got time to write about it?! Leaving the mediocre. And that’s nothing to write home about. Mediocre days don’t spawn such as combacks as….. “Oh yeah, well I had to wash my grey goose only to find it watered down”. Or something like that. Just silliness really. That was my reply to her saying, “I had to wash my grey down (jacket) and a week later I found it still wet!”, while in the line for border security screening coming back from our latest Belize trip. And yes we back in Belize but this time it’s a whole other story.

I am my own man

I am not defined or characterized by the person that I am with. I am my own man. I should have taken that lesson from my father a long time ago, but obviously I have not. And its about damn time I did. I have always identified by the people I am around, my friends, my family, but most importantly, by the person I am dating. They also had to be attractive, because only cool guys date attractive women. They had to be fit, well because only losers date fat girls. And the list goes on and on and on. Stemming really from humans ultimate fear of looking good and avoiding looking bad. I would always fuck a fat girl, ugly girl, or any other kind of girl, but I never wanted to be out in public with them. So any time I was dating a girl, or having any serious relationship with any girl at all, it was always a must that they fit into some category, as it would define the person I am. Not I’ve skipped the last few weeks, as they have been instrumental in getting me to this point right now, but as time unfolds, you will be able to piece together what transpired throughout those few weeks. Christie and I are back in negotiations into our relationship. We are not at a point where neither of us are seeing, fucking, sucking, licking, or even entertaining anyone else. We are both pretty adamant about making sure anyone that wants to have anything to do with us, that we are unavailable at this moment, and possibly for the rest of time. So what happened you ask? Well that’s a long long story of defeat and triumph. The Phoenix that rose from the ashes to reclaim all that was his, but in a better, stronger, more powerful version. After all, the phoenix can never become unless everything is burnt to a crisp, and it was. So where are we at now? Well that’s the interesting thing, and the reason for this particular post. During our breakup, we saw other people. I fucked some, she sucked some (and licked a few assholes as well), which obviously didn’t matter at the time as my focus was on attracting her back to me. Well that’s happened. And now? Well not its become an issue. Not a logical or rational one, something I have to mention. Yes, I know what your thinking…. im being ungrateful, and I am. Really I’m just being an immature child, and not the mature grown man that I’m supposed to be at this point in my life. And I see that clearly. Shit you can tell by how I look to know this. I have attachment issues. If not people, its to thoughts and ideas, even mental images. I get attached. And ever since a couple weeks ago I became attached to the thoughts of her being with other guys during the breakup. Facts are, we broke up. On her end there was no intention of ever getting back together, so she moved on and started dating others, and with dating comes sexual acts of course. So then why be hung up? Well because I was clearly not moved on, and still emotionally attached, as you’ll see in the future as the story is revealed. Which brings me to this… If I am my own man, confident in my ways and who I am and what I want, then all there is to know is that I lost someone, manned the fuck up, and got them back. I got what I wanted, exactly how I wanted it, even better than before. Not from her end per say, but on mine. She is still the amazing person she is, but I have become a better man for it. 3 months of agony transformed me and gave me the tools I needed to become a better person for myself, and everyoned around me. More apt to be in an actual relationship, bringing a whole person as opposed to half a person who’s looking to be completed. But as long as I keep holding onto things she did during the break up, its a clear indication that I have more work to do, as a whole person is not bothered by reality or how things are, or could or should have been. A whole person is complete no matter what the other person is or was. This does not reflect on a whole person in any way shape or form. Especially since I’m also a person that has collapsed morality in with so many other things including sex and sexual acts. Combine that with 50 thousand years of evolutionary programming and for someone like me its like being sabotaged by my own brain. The very thing that wants to keep me safe and alive is working against my progress and happiness. After all, my brain wants certainty, safety, security. It doesn’t give a fuck about happiness, joy, fulfillment, love, or any of those things. It wants me to stay alive, and that’s it! Essentially my brain is a future predicting machine that’s taking past experiences and charging them with the emotion experienced in those moments to ward of anything in the future that looks or feels anything like those past experiences. Those being negative of course. Anything that spells uncertainty has to be eliminated and it will employ everything last weapon in its arsenal to make sure it happens. So what do I do? Well, anytime one wants to succeed, they must rise above the level of what we deem as ourselves. In reality, its our limbic system in charge and making sure we do what we must to live. Combine that with our super advanced cortex and it spells anything but possibility. One really can achieve self mastery, but that takes a lot of discipline and a lot of practice. At what you ask? Not listening to our brain! Not taking our own advice! Well the one that involves anything but fact that is. Emotions cloud judgement because they are formed in the heat of the moment by a situation that’s already happened in the past. So when something on paper looks great, but your still hungup on something that doesn’t even seem like it should hang you up, then that’s a clear sign. Me for example, being hungup on something that happened when I was not in the picture, essentially like meeting someone for the first time all over again, I would be hungup on any past relationships shes had or what shes done in them, as I’m only here for the present and future. Meaning, I’m hungup based on programming. Essentially not difference than being in the matrix. Programming the machine to do whats required for the greater good, And in this case, the greater good is my survival. Except the matrix doenst see that the times have changed and we now live in a civilization and not alone in the woods anymore. When Freud says we have the Id, the Ego, and the Superego, well it might seem science fictiony, but in reality, its like having 3 entities in there all trying to do the same thing but they just cant seem to agree. So the dominant one wins during whatever situation. Its the story of the good wolf and the bad wolf. Whichever one you feed, will always dominate the other. There’s a story in that for another day. Point being, we are conflicted at times by trivial things. But in the end, we are whole and complete and perfect and we never need to anything else outside of ourselves to be the person we want to be, we already have it. So whomever you date does not define who you are. If likes to lick assholes, then it has nothing to do with you in that it defines who you are for being with her. All it means is that she’s going to lick your asshole too! And what a glorious thing that is!! So drop the irrationality of what happened while you were not present at the party, and enjoy! Get your dick sucked dry of every last drop. Have your balls in some pretty girls mouth and feel all the goodness that it has to offer. And for fucks sake man, get your asshole eaten out so good that it makes you wanna cum like the water fountains at the the Bellagio!!! Life isn’t so serious, so enjoy it and don’t make it mean anything. At the end of the day, life is really empty and meaningless, so live as such!

Grounds hog day

It’s a crazy thing this life. What’s also crazy is our perception of time. When we’re riding high, time jusy seems to evaporate and we can’t ever seem to hold on to it. Yet when we’re in some crisis, time just seems to stand still. This is especially true when one has based their time around a certain person or thing and then that thing dissappears. Left with not knowing how on earth to fill that time up. Crisis control. Short term thought of time that isn’t being in the moment. When we’re doing well, happy, on the rise, we think in terms of years down the road. When we’re struggling to manage each day, we thing till the end of the day and hope for a better one the next. It’s all perception. Context. How we frame the life we are living. 

I want to tell you about one day of my life. Yesterday. I’ll try not to ramble lol. 

So yesterday started off on a very down note. I woke up at 10am (went to bed at 6) and laid in bed and thought about Christie for the next hour or so. All about what I’d say to get her back. Not a good idea but all is wanted was to sleep but I couldn’t. Mind was racing. I even started thinking about what I’d do to get rid of the other guy in her life, that’s how bad it got. So I got a call from Jaylene, got up, we talked for the next 3 hours almost. During that talk, I made a lot of discoveries. About myself. I wrote a lot down. Had a serious talk with myself. With God. Then had to go into work. Get there in a shitty downer mood. Notong after I was there I called Francesco. A guy I met in Belize, very wise man, to make plans with him for a sit-down to talk about stuff. I wanted his opinion on what’s going on. He asked me how I was, I told him I wasn’t good. Then explained why. During my explanation I stated shaking when I told him I want her back. He said that it’s better to have this talk in person. So we made plans for the Tuesday. I was shook. Not long after that I had a really profound talk with Jeremy from work. He told me about his friend shows going through something like this and then how he’s even going through something similar after 15 years of being in a marriage. What a shame. 

Wow Jaylene!!

The breakdowns and breakthroughs I’ve had today had been by far more profound than all I’ve ever had in my life.

This post was written yesterday. I was in such an amazing place that I didn’t wanna ruin it and talk about it more so I just let it be.

Life’s funny like that

It’s funny how life works sometimes. You get what you want, you don’t want it, then you lose it, and you want it again. Realizations. Awakening. Life. Fuck. The last post I posted today but was written like 2 weeks ago. Since then a lot has happened. So many realizations. So many ups and downs. So many cigarettes smoked. So much stress. It’s been one helluva rollercoaster ride, that’s for sure! Recap. Christie and I have been talking more. And I’ve been stressing more. I’m in my head so much it’s taken over almost. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach so many times by myself. Kicked myself for so many things. Blamed myself for everything that’s happened. And now I stand at the crossroads not knowing where to go. Feel so lost. Empty. Alone. No different than how I felt with her. The only thing that will fill that hole right now is her. So rewind a couple weeks. I went to Hamilton to hangout with her for lunch. A friendly one. When I got there I went right back into my old routines of wanting to touch her and be with her. We have a long talk about us and she makes it clear we are just friends. So I tell her everything I’ve wanted to. Actually it was on the 14th. We spent the day talking about us. Had the best lunch. Then had the best night out for drinks. Left with a hug and kiss. But the ride back home was agonizing. I saw all the amazing things we could be. And it crushed me. A few days goes by its Thursday. I meet her in Toronto, we make it back to Hamilton where I end up staying the night. We get intimate and stay over. Leave in the morning with us making out. Best night. I go to Kingston for a boys weekend. On the Saturday I get a long msg from her in which she tells me she got setup on a date and she met some guys. I get down. Almost ruined the boys weekend. I see if she has plans on Monday, and she’s free for a few hours so we meet up. Now here’s where it gets messed up. She tells me I can’t stay over cause she met someone. So me I’m not worried at this point cause I can’t see this guy ever comparing to me. But she also tells me that she loves me but isn’t in love with me and is attracted to other guys. I mean of course. That’s fine. But I make the best case for myself as possible. I tell her everything. Spill my guts. Everything I’ve been holding back from the past. She asks me if I was her what would I would do. I tell her I’d give me a shot and watch me prove it with action and not just words. We actually have a really amazing night. The whole time I’m all over her. We have the best deepest embracing hugs, the nicest kisses. I give me massages and rub her down all night. We end it with McDonald’s and the nicest deepest embrace and kissing ever. The next day, yesterday, we’re chatting and I send a msg at 1pm to which she has not replied. It’s thr next day already (7am). No IG posts. No snaps. Nothing. What’s going on in my mind? Yup she’s on a date with short dude that she has a connection with. Oh yeah so she tells me they had a real connection and wants to give it a real shot. I’m not upset but it’s just a gut punch. A smashing of the ego. All the “what-if’s” start going off. What if she does fall for this guy. I know now what I need to do to make her happy and this guy is just gonna stumble in and take her. Yeah it’s not ideal. I don’t want that at all! But I can’t do anything other than stay the course. Prove to her that this guy ain’t shit by showing her that I’m the best choice and no one will ever hold a candle to me. But the only way to do that is to “let her go” and pray she finds her way back home to me. In the last week I’ve shown her I am that person she wants. But 1 week, 3 times hanging out will not override 1 year if bullshit! It can’t. And now I wait. It’s like the feeling of waiting by the phone for that phone call. Not sure of the news that will be given when it happens. It’s agonizing! my heart feels raw. I’ve gone at least a few days without eating cause of the stress. Smoked so many packs if cigarettes. And mentally agonized over this all day everything almost. Well like 50% of the days. I’ll have one good one an done bad one. And today is a toss up. 2 hours sleep last night. Talked to 3 diff people about it. And they all agree that I need to stay the course. If she’s smart, they say, she will realize I’m the best choice and come back. Till then there’s nothing I can do. I need to let her see that no guy will ever compare to me. The way I touch her, love her, make her laugh. Our futures are aligned. There’s no one that’s gonna be in her level like I am. I just need time. And I need the ability to show her more, if I can. The only way is to allow her to go on dates and see that the competition is nothing. So I will wait. Smoke and wait lol

REALIZATIONS…. Part 1

So needless to say I’ve made some realizations in the last while. Well actually, every day it seems I make these realizations but never share them. Why, right? Well this blog is all about that. Little realizations, made daily. If only I had the initiative to record them all and lock them down in digital ink so they are out in the world forever. 

So I’ve realized lately that I’m more upset at the missed opportunities than at the loss. And this has never been more evident than in the stock market. So recently I started playing with stocks. Small time penny stocks with potential for huge returns. Which has been evident in the last little while. Now, I’m getting a little stressed out. And it’s been noticed. But what’s really been noticed by me and others is that I’m not even giving second thought to the stocks I now own that are losing. Doesn’t bother me one bit. It’s money that’s already gone and I’m good with it as it is. But…. The deals I missed out on, those are the ones that piss me off the most! Like infuriating!! Take today for example. Stock price goes down from a high of 65% gain to 20%, it’s down to 0.032 and I’m like…. I’m in I’ll buy. Then I turned greedy. It wanted 0.030. So I waited. And bbbaaammmm it took off!!! Skyrocketed to 110% gain!!! Eat that!!! Now granted all I wanted to buy was $100 worth so yes I’d make $100 at most. But that’s not the point! The point was that I missed out on an amazing opportunity!! And that’s what roasted my potatoes!! So mad. What about the stocks I got already that went up. Or down?! I dunno who cares!! That’s money already spent. Frustrating!! 

So yeah, that’s one helluva realization. Its one of those things that I’ve known for a while, as if it’s hard not to know. It’s not like I haven’t seen 10000 inspiration quotes and pics and posts about it. Studies. Polls. Articles. You name it. I know this. But never experienced it in real time. Ever, not like this. It’s clear as day!! 

Eyes wide open!! 

The last of the many

Here I sit, yet once again, on this beautiful tropical night. Same spot I’ve sat for many nights this past year. Feeling the same way I’ve felt, oh so many times. These posts have somehow turned into a sub story of one’s ability, or lack thereof, to be happy in paradise. Oh yes I’m in Belize again for the last of many trips to this tropical paradise. But it’s really not all it was supposed to be. When I first imagined this place I always pictured I’d be free of all worries, not a care on the world, just leaving life behind and running away like I always do to escape the troubles of the world. What I found was quite the opposite. It really doesn’t matter where you go, if your not free on the inside, there not place in the world you can be happy.

Depressed in paradise?

It’s a strange thing to find oneself depressed in paradise. It’s not a typical reaction to being surrounded by beautiful beaches and palm trees. Is it? 

I touched down in the sunny shores of Belize, made it back to the villa, and before I knew it I’m finding myself depressed, unhappy, and generally dissatisfied with life. I’m not excited to be here. I feel trapped and alone. Yet I’m with enough people. Im actually surrounded by people and yet I feel so alone in this world. Yes that’s not the Landmark way of creating the possibility and living in it but I feel like I just can’t help it. I can’t talk to anyone around me. My GF is here yet I cant seem to say anything to her it.