The finale 

Posted: August 27, 2017 in Heart

The sauga of Christie as my GF is officially over. Well in my heart. Do I love her? Of course. Do I want to be with her? Of course. But we all knew it had to end at some point. And that point was today. Today has been quite a day to say the least. Started off with me going nuts in my head. Unable to get her out.  Had some really good talks on the phone. Had some good talks in person. Talked to Christie 3 times on the phone. The last of which I told her everything else I had inside. I even wrote a thing to tell her. Then at the end she spelled it out in no uncertain terms. She lost the obsession with me. Which later on in the phone call preceeding it with my seminar manager, she spelled it out that what I have for her now and what she had for me then wasn’t love but attachment. Something the Buddhist is the one thing we need to let go of. She does love me. We even ended the call like that. I love you bye. But not in an obsession attachment kind of way. Like fam love kind of way. And I want settled. Till I got the call from my seminar leader. And she explained it all. I felt better after. Kinda sad tho. On paper we make the best couple. Allstars. And she even knows that the feeling at the beginning fades. And only true love remains. But the sad part is her chemicals are raging strong and she thinks that that’s love. That’s what she needs. She needs the attachment. And that’s so sad. We make the perfect couple on paper. Have the same ideas about life and where we want to be. And loves me to death. But needs the attachment. And that is never permanent. The only thing that leads to is sadness and misery. And my heart hurts cause of it. For her. But she has to find her way in life like I must. I offered her the world. Unconditional love and devotion. Affection. Intimacy. And time. All of it. The kind of love that will outlast the ages. And instead, she wants attachment. They say that the beginning feelings you get to a person is feuled by chemicals. And what settles out of that is true love. They say that if you can picture yourself with a person 50 years down the road then you know you found it. Maybe I found it. Maybe I didn’t. At the beginning she was attached and I wasn’t. I had real love for her. Then the tables turned and she broke her attachment and I started mine. The love is there. But now the attachment on both our parts is over. And I made sure of that today. 

After that I had a long talk with jillian about business. We’re gonna give it a go to create the empire we want. And it’s gonna revolve around her knowhow and my vision. It’s gonna be one helluva empire! No name yet but you’ll hear about it soon enough. It’s gonna be huge! 

So right in time, a lovely lady friend msgs me at the end of the day and wants to come by. She does. And shit went fucking ddoowwnnnn!!! And with one stroke it was over. Erased. Attachment broken. I’ve resisted this for months now since the breakup date cause I always had hope it would reignite. But obv by the talk we had today that doesn’t look like a possibility. And I’m not sure if it’s even the right thing that was meant to be. I wanted out of it so long ago. Months. But could never do it. Saying if I could have her as a friend it would be amazing. I got it. Then didn’t want it and wanted back into the fold. Well now I forcibly got what I wanted. And that’s the way it has to be. And I’m OK with that. Right now at least lol. Who knows about tomorrow lol. Tomorrow is another day. The key to living fully is to be in the moment. Living by choosing to be there moment by moment. Choosing each moment as it is and nothing more. There really is nothing in life other than this moment that we have right now. One more might not be granted. And anything other than dully choosing to be in each moment in all its greatness and sadness is a waste of life. If you don’t choose to be where you are right now, then you’ll never be. Ever. 

With that said a new beginning is created. Once we choose the moment we are in then we can be complete with it. And once we are complete with it then we can create the space to create anything we want. Anything. We can be anyone or anything we want. But as long as we hold on to the past of the future then we can never ever be anywhere. Cause we’re not there. Not present. It’s good to have goals dreams. But the moment is really all we have. Why do you think so many people are never satisfied by by the carrot they are chasing? It’s cause they never get it! You will never ever ever get that carrot. And the moment you think you got it then you really must stop and think about it. That carrot doesn’t even exist. It’s not real. Only the moment you have exists. The carrot is the final destination. And in life there really is only one final destination. And that’s death. So if you think you got the carrot then you really have no idea what that carrot is. There’s only the road. There’s never the destination. Only the road exists. That’s the road of happiness. To truly be free you must embrace the road and the journey. Be in the discovery. Not in the know. As there is nothing to know. Nothing figure out. It’s a mystery. The moment has to happen and then the choice has to be made, not the other way around. There is no answer, be in the exploration. Stop trying to figure it all out! And listen. People talk but we don’t even listen to what they’re saying. We always give them what we think we want from them and not what they as asking for. Even when you think you have it figured out, you don’t! There’s nothing to figure out! Choose the confusion, being the jerk that has to figure it all out. Choose to be exactly where you are right now at this very moment and nowhere else. In the pain, in the grief, in the sorrow, in the happens, in the joy, in the madness, in the chaos. Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. No story. Just fact. The fact is I’m sitting outside in my zero chair on a cool August night listening to the sounds of nature weaving this tale for you to read. And I’m choosing to be here right now. No where else. This is my choice. I choose this. And I’m free. 

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Grounds hog day

Posted: August 27, 2017 in Heart

It’s a crazy thing this life. What’s also crazy is our perception of time. When we’re riding high, time jusy seems to evaporate and we can’t ever seem to hold on to it. Yet when we’re in some crisis, time just seems to stand still. This is especially true when one has based their time around a certain person or thing and then that thing dissappears. Left with not knowing how on earth to fill that time up. Crisis control. Short term thought of time that isn’t being in the moment. When we’re doing well, happy, on the rise, we think in terms of years down the road. When we’re struggling to manage each day, we thing till the end of the day and hope for a better one the next. It’s all perception. Context. How we frame the life we are living. 

I want to tell you about one day of my life. Yesterday. I’ll try not to ramble lol. 

So yesterday started off on a very down note. I woke up at 10am (went to bed at 6) and laid in bed and thought about Christie for the next hour or so. All about what I’d say to get her back. Not a good idea but all is wanted was to sleep but I couldn’t. Mind was racing. I even started thinking about what I’d do to get rid of the other guy in her life, that’s how bad it got. So I got a call from Jaylene, got up, we talked for the next 3 hours almost. During that talk, I made a lot of discoveries. About myself. I wrote a lot down. Had a serious talk with myself. With God. Then had to go into work. Get there in a shitty downer mood. Notong after I was there I called Francesco. A guy I met in Belize, very wise man, to make plans with him for a sit-down to talk about stuff. I wanted his opinion on what’s going on. He asked me how I was, I told him I wasn’t good. Then explained why. During my explanation I stated shaking when I told him I want her back. He said that it’s better to have this talk in person. So we made plans for the Tuesday. I was shook. Not long after that I had a really profound talk with Jeremy from work. He told me about his friend shows going through something like this and then how he’s even going through something similar after 15 years of being in a marriage. What a shame. 

Wow Jaylene!! 

Posted: August 27, 2017 in Heart

The breakdowns and breakthroughs I’ve had today had been by far more profound than all I’ve ever had in my life. 

This post was written yesterday. I was in such an amazing place that I didn’t wanna ruin it and talk about it more so I just let it be. 

OMG WTF

Posted: August 25, 2017 in Heart

Wow, I was ready to give it all up. All of it. Hand it over. Hand my life over to her. And she still didn’t take it. How crazy is that? I’m not saying I still won’t if the time comes, she’s my drug. The feelings she made me feel are so addictive. It’s crazy. It’s the fight maybe. I don’t know but I don’t wanna make a story out of it. Like wtf I don’t even like flavored non-dairy creamer!! 

I notice this about myself. I don’t have an identity. I take on whatever identity of the person I date. So why did I act like that? Cause she acted like that. I’m a mimicker. I met her. She has hi goals and dreams. I figured I’d ride it out. I’ll take hers on and move on. Perfect right? Well she was still hung up. No wonder I didn’t have any self expression. Not her fault. Mine of course. But not even a fault. Jusg the way it is. How could be intimate with this girl and give her the connection she wants if I don’t even know who I am anymore. Lost. I felt so alone. She was the sum of a lot of things I liked. But something was still missing. How can I love her if neither her or I love ourselves? Not possible. 

Laura, Chelsey, Jaylene, Becky, Jillian, Carla. In no particular order. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. In my moments, I leaned on you and you gave me all the love and support I needed. But not just that. You gave me insight and wisdom to correct my course of action. In time, I will be good with this. Growth. It’s what I’ve always wanted. And I can’t get that there. Maybe in time. But not now. Maybe things will turn around. Maybe they will keep moving forward. I can’t tell. But I can’t tell the future. Well not always. I have no control over the past or future. Only thing I can control is my feelings in the moment. My behavior. My actions. In the moment. That’s it. My context. That’s it. Re-context the situation and it looks way different. 

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Be careful what you wish for. 2 lines I think of when thinking about us. She wants the green grass on the other side. And I wished for this for so long. And now we’re both there. Maybe forever miserable lol. But I have faith. Faith in action. Put in the work and you have no choice but to receive the rewards of it. That’s it. Can’t meditate one day and expect things to change. Only after a week of it does one feel the change. 

Over the last couple weeks, ever since the beginning of mercury retrograde, I’ve been down and out. So it’s led me to have many mmaannyyyy conversations with the aforementioned individuals. They have held me up and smacked me around. All for me. I must be the most blessed man on the face of the planet. And yes I do owe it to God. I know God is a taboo subject now but without Him in this life I would have been so fucked up and so fucking far astray. 

Why I loved being with her is a whole other post. Action, adventure, companionship, partnership, beauty, intelligence, growth, dreams coming true, wealth, early retirement…. And the list goes on and on. And yes, all those were for me. Not her. So what’s missing? LOVE!!! Saying you love a person doesn’t mean shit. If you don’t show it, there’s no action. If there’s no action, no amount of words in the world will make a difference. I see that. I see that now. Maybe too late to salvage. But not too late to salvage myself. It’s said that one needs to precipitate a crisis in order to achieve true growth. True lasting growth. And this is my crisis. I haven’t had a crisis in a while. I didn’t even know what a crisis feels like anymore. And now I do. Very well actually. And this is my growth period. I have a love/hate relationship with growth. I love the feeling after but I hate the growing pains. It’s like the burn at the gym when real growth is about to happen. It’s a terrible feeling in the moment but the feeling after is exhilarating! 

Can’t approach the problem from the same state of mind as the solution. Or visa versa. It just won’t work. But that’s way easier said than done. This whole time I’ve been focusing on the problem. What I did. What happened. And it needed to happen. I need to wallow in it. Only way to do it. Eventually solution time has to come. 

Life’s funny like that 

Posted: August 23, 2017 in Heart

It’s funny how life works sometimes. You get what you want, you don’t want it, then you lose it, and you want it again. Realizations. Awakening. Life. Fuck. 

The last post I posted today but was written like 2 weeks ago. Since then a lot has happened. So many realizations. So many ups and downs. So many cigarettes smoked. So much stress. It’s been one helluva rollercoaster ride, that’s for sure!

Recap. Christie and I have been talking more. And I’ve been stressing more. I’m in my head so much it’s taken over almost. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach so many times by myself. Kicked myself for so many things. Blamed myself for everything that’s happened. And now I stand at the crossroads not knowing where to go. Feel so lost. Empty. Alone. No different than how I felt with her. The only thing that will fill that hole right now is her. 

So rewind a couple weeks. I went to Hamilton to hangout with her for lunch. A friendly one. When I got there I went right back into my old routines of wanting to touch her and be with her. We have a long talk about us and she makes it clear we are just friends. So I tell her everything I’ve wanted to. Actually it was on the 14th. We spent the day talking about us. Had the best lunch. Then had the best night out for drinks. Left with a hug and kiss. But the ride back home was agonizing. I saw all the amazing things we could be. And it crushed me. A few days goes by its Thursday. I meet her in Toronto, we make it back to Hamilton where I end up staying the night. We get intimate and stay over. Leave in the morning with us making out. Best night. I go to Kingston for a boys weekend. On the Saturday I get a long msg from her in which she tells me she got setup on a date and she met some guys. I get down. Almost ruined the boys weekend. I see if she has plans on Monday, and she’s free for a few hours so we meet up. Now here’s where it gets messed up. She tells me I can’t stay over cause she met someone. So me I’m not worried at this point cause I can’t see this guy ever comparing to me. But she also tells me that she loves me but isn’t in love with me and is attracted to other guys. I mean of course. That’s fine. But I make the best case for myself as possible. I tell her everything. Spill my guts. Everything I’ve been holding back from the past. She asks me if I was her what would I would do. I tell her I’d give me a shot and watch me prove it with action and not just words. We actually have a really amazing night. The whole time I’m all over her.  We have the best deepest embracing hugs, the nicest kisses. I give me massages and rub her down all night. We end it with McDonald’s and the nicest deepest embrace and kissing ever. The next day, yesterday, we’re chatting and I send a msg at 1pm to which she has not replied. It’s thr next day already (7am). No IG posts. No snaps. Nothing. What’s going on in my mind? Yup she’s on a date with short dude that she has a connection with. Oh yeah so she tells me they had a real connection and wants to give it a real shot. I’m not upset but it’s just a gut punch. A smashing of the ego. All the “what-if’s” start going off. What if she does fall for this guy. I know now what I need to do to make her happy and this guy is just gonna stumble in and take her. Yeah it’s not ideal. I don’t want that at all! But I can’t do anything other than stay the course. Prove to her that this guy ain’t shit by showing her that I’m the best choice and no one will ever hold a candle to me. But the only way to do that is to “let her go” and pray she finds her way back home to me. 

In the last week I’ve shown her I am that person she wants. But 1 week, 3 times hanging out will not override 1 year if bullshit! It can’t. And now I wait. It’s like the feeling of waiting by the phone for that phone call. Not sure of the news that will be given when it happens. It’s agonizing! my heart feels raw. I’ve gone at least a few days without eating cause of the stress. Smoked so many packs if cigarettes. And mentally agonized over this all day everything almost. Well like 50% of the days. I’ll have one good one an done bad one. And today is a toss up. 2 hours sleep last night. Talked to 3 diff people about it. And they all agree that I need to stay the course. If she’s smart, they say, she will realize I’m the best choice and come back. Till then there’s nothing I can do. I need to let her see that no guy will ever compare to me. The way I touch her, love her, make her laugh. Our futures are aligned. There’s no one that’s gonna be in her level like I am. I just need time. And I need the ability to show her more, if I can. The only way is to allow her to go on dates and see that the competition is nothing. So I will wait. Smoke and wait lol

We were so perfect for each other…. What the hell happened! Was it all an illusion? Now I think back on it, I’ve never met anyone that I could talk to so easily as I did with you at the beginning. And then a couple months into it I found myself not able to talk to you at all, bottling everything up for some reason. Why? Why did we fight so much? Why did we let the best thing to ever happen to us get so messy? I don’t get it. What went wrong? 

I can’t even remember anymore. I know at the beginning I was so crazy in love. I would talk to you for 3 to 4 hours after work in the car on the phone, I don’t even know what we talked about! I can’t even imagine us talking for that long anymore. I wonder if you actually really wanted to talk to me again all then or was just enduring it. Cause that’s how it seems have been for a while now. Just enduring. A couple months into it and you would just endure me talking, but not for more than 3min or you lost interest. What happened? How did it go from 3 hours to 3 min? 

I feel like I have so many questions. So many. And yet no answers to any of them. What went wrong? How did did the slop begin? The slide down to whatever we are now. We don’t even say good morning or goodnight to each other anymore. You were the first person I wanted to talk to and the last. And then…. Idunno. I question all this to know if it was me that did all this or if it was you. Or both. Was it not meant to be? Was it all a delusion? Were we just not right for each other and yet we pushed through? Or was it perfect and we just wrecked it? Our dreams were aligned. Our futures aligned. I really did want to marry you. In time I would have even wanted kids maybe. I was willing to compromise so much of what I has thought I wanted to have you, to keep you. And yet I felt like I was losing myself in the process for some reason. At first I felt so free and then I felt so trapped. I felt so alone at times for some reason like you just didn’t understand me. I always felt like your heart want really in it. But I loved how much you loved me. I lived the obsession you had with me. It fueled me. Made me feel amazing. Made me feel whole. Wanted. Needed. It was an amazing feeling. And now I feel empty. Alone. I wish I could have back what we had agreed that start. But then I think, was it even real? Was it just how it is at the beginning. We went from talking so much about everything to the only thing we did was fight. At some point we just stopped talked and started fighting. I don’t even remember what we fought about. It seems so trivial now. Why did we even fight? What was the point of all the fighting? Why did we disagree on so much? 

In 3 years you’ll be a totally different person than you are now and maybe I had a feeling that that person you’ll be will be a different person, someone who’s more understanding of who I am, of who we are. You’ll see things differently and react to things differently. I always felt like you compared me to all the others. Got punished for all the mistakes all the others have made. I didn’t like that or feel like it was fair. I felt so much resentment for what others have done. I didn’t know how to relieve you of all that. Tried so hard. I wanted us to work so bad. I was so set, so adamant that we were the one! The fairytale relationship that all others envied. Maybe it was all for show. I don’t even know if I was happy. I know I was at the start. But then it just dwindled into so many other feelings. Then got in the way. So many other things got in the way of us. It’s like the entire universe was trying to stop us for some reason. Why? Why was it just not a bit easier? Smoother. I wonder what would have happened had we not done Belize. Or at least not done it for so long. Was it just an illusion? Was the fantasy of it more than reality? There was so many expectations. So many rules. So much had to be perfect for us to keep going that anything less than would be unacceptable. You hated me giving any attention to anyone else and now I barely give you any attention at all and that seems OK. I don’t get it. I feel like I wanted out for a while and then once I got out it doesn’t feel right. Not at all. It just doesn’t feel right that we’re not together. Planning our future. Planning our life together. Forever. Dying in each other’s arms when we’re old. The epic life we thought we be just isn’t anymore. It’s evaporated into nothingness. You used to love my corny ways of making you laugh. My silliness. And now you just face palm and write back…. Oh God lol….. Same your head. Disapproval. I do recall that feeling. Being less than. I felt so much more than. You mad when feel like a king. And then you made me feel like a popper. The child in me kept letting you down. Felt small. It’s weird that works. One person can you feel like a giant and then make you feel so small. I’ve always wanted your approval I think. The ones I love I always needed their approval for some reason. I always wanted to make you happy and could never. Or at least that’s what it seemed like. You were happy being in a relationship but not happy with me. I always felt like a placeholder. And now it’s all come true. It’s all been realized. You’ll go through some stuff now and then I time you’ll find the one you need to be with. And in time all this will subside. The letters will stop. The feeling will die down. I’ll think back in our find moments and laugh about our fights. But we will not be anymore. I’ll wonder if I could have done anything different. If there was something I should have done to keep you. I’ll realize the mistakes I made and wished I could have done things differently. If I had just stuck around long enough, I’d say. If I comprised a little more. I’ll blame myself. Like I always do. I’ll run my rackets and weave my stories. And in the end I’ll be as I am. 

You know what I loved the most about you? All the attention you’d give me. You loved me in all my ways. In all my insecurities. In all my bullshit. I didn’t give you all that you needed in this life. I wish I could have. I held back so much. I felt scared. Scared to be hurt. Scared to be loved. Scared of committing fully only to be rejected. I’m a big baby that just wants to be loved unconditionally. Without judgment. You tried to make me better. And I begrudgingly went along. Only to find a better me on the other side. But even that me still has his baggage. Still refused to adapt to the changes. To go along with things. To move on to a new better life. An adult life. One of having a family. Being a father. Being a husband. Just scared of the finalness of it all. Maybe I didn’t love you enough. Maybe I loved you too much. I can’t really be sure. Maybe I didn’t love you at all. I don’t know. Maybe I just couldn’t get over myself to see the amazingness of the future. Maybe I’m just scared. So many maybes in my life. I’ve been hurt too many times in the past. Left too many times. Abandoned too many times. Yet I thought I was all the way in. I did all I could. But I don’t know if I ever gave my heart fully. Fully embraced all that we were. I was scared. Scared that maybe your not the right one. Maybe that I’d be giving up too much. Scared of losing myself in the process. I know me, and I didn’t know this new person. Maybe I was just not over the past. Not over that I can have another that could potentially give me all I needed. I found flaws. Those flaws eventually led to me feeling alone, even when we were together. Right now I’m not sure what to do. I feel in limbo. Not ready to move on. Not able to go back. I feel so stuck. I’ve had so much to tell you and could never get the courage to say the words for fear of losing you. So much invested. So much time, so many emotions. So much of my life has been spent with you it seems that I don’t know how to move on. In reality I wanted this more than you did. I steered things this way. And I got it. I got what I wished for. Us as friends. And yet I feel so resentful at myself. At you. At the way things turned out. I’ve lost the attention you lavished on me that I loved so much. Did I really love you or myself? I’m not sure. Was I really in love with you or what you had to offer me. I’m not sure. I’m sitting in a place now of uncertainty. Something I had with you. I would have married you. I would have had children with you even tho I said I wouldn’t. But I would not have known if I was truly in love with you. I need our breakup more than you did. I needed to know what’s in my heart. With you I felt alone but I felt so loved. So loved that I was in the leave of security. I’ve never known love like the love you gave me. And now it feels like it’s all gone. Evaporated into nothing. The last year has been one helluva ride. We had amazing moments. We had sorrows. We had fights. We had it all. But now, things have changed. I know that in my heart I need to move on. That it can never be what it was. If we do ever decide to get back together in know I’ll never have you fully. I’ll always be scared of it ending. We have broken up twice already and I don’t know if my heart can handle a third. Remember how I used to say the woman I marry will have to take a blood oath. Blood in blood out. It’s for a reason. Yes I tested you. And you aced it every time. But I might have broken things by going too far. Overboard. And now I feel like I’m the one that failed. I’ve masterminded my own fate. My own demise. The fear of being alone that haunts me has be realized by my own hand. I’ve made this happen. And it can never be undone. My heart feels like it’s been shattered but not by you, but by me. Time and time again I’ve made it happen. And I did it again with you. Now we’re different people. I’m scared to love you for fear of abandonment. Something that you’ve showed me you can do. The attention you lavished me with is gone and it can never be restored. I feel like there will always be this hanging over my head. I’m so confused and so lost. And what’s worse I can never tell you these words. So I write them for the world to see. And yet the only one I want to read them cannot. The sad reality of my life. I need more Landmark to help me through these moments of my life. Will I ever love again. Will I trust again. I’ve been through this a few times and logic states that I will be. But in moments of dispare it seems like it’ll never happen. Things have always worked out for the best in my life. Meeting you was most definitely highlight of it. You’ve made me better, yet worse. Stronger, yet weaker.  More alive and yet so dead. It’s the things stories are made of. Fairytales turned tragic. Romeo and Juliette style star crossed lovers never meant to be. And yet in it all I have so much blame. So much I’d wished for. If inky you jumped in with me every time you wouldn’t have ever regretted it. But you held back. Unsure if I was the one. If I can be with you on your journey. I felt so alone and in the cold. So on the outside of the relationship looking in at everything. Trying so hard to get in only to have the door shut on my face. I tried all the tools I had and no luck. I was unable break through the ice exterior to enter to the warm love of your heart. I tried my hardest. Failed over and over. I know that you have a ways to go before you are able to be “sweet”, if it will ever happen at all. But I’ve seen that sweetness and it’s guarded for a reason. It’s the stuff real Fairytales are made of and I wanted it. I wanted it all to myself and was so frustrated I couldn’t get it. I’m sad we broke up but at the time relieved that you get to discover your own self. I feel like I had a diamond in the rough that others didn’t know how handle. My gem. And now I feel like after all this self discovery you’ll be able to allow that lucky someone in. And it will not be me. Thwarted. Yet I also know that you’ll never meet anyone like me. And that makes me sad. Cause no one will ever be able to love you in your darkest moments. I stuck with you when you were at your worst in hopes that I’ll win you when your at your best. But my story tells me that I was just a passerby. Someone to come in your life and inspire the transformation that was much needed. The one who labour in the garden only for others to eat the fruit. And I should be happy. But I’m not. I’m still so self absorbed that I feel like it should be me eating the fruit and not those who got it so easily. Yet this is a great lesson in life. We work hard only for others to reap what we sow. Maybe that’s why I avoided children. They are the exact definition of that. We put in so much effort only for them to get easily the things we worked so hard for. And even though they may appreciate it, it still doesn’t cut it. This period in my life will be a touched by ‘sadness’ and this orb of core memory will turn blue. And one it’s blue it can never be undone. You tried so hard and I resisted so much, only to hurt msywlf in the end. I realize that now. And if I had a time machine I’d totally go back and do this again. I was asked today my a great man if only had 6 months to live, what would I do? Move on and be with someone else, or try to get back what I had. Faced with those options I chose…. “I don’t know’. He reveled to me his own story that he was running a racket in his mind saying…. Just decide already!!!! But after realizing his own rackets he later said that it’s such a brave thing to do, to hold a space in my heart for another human. And that I should be OK with that and not resent myself for it. Brave. He called me brave. And said that it’s OK to be where I am. And to just be with it. Embrace it. Realize the braveness of it. The courage to do something for another when they might need it the most. It made me feel really good. He remarked as to why people love to be around me. How it makes them feel good. My father always said that when God loves you He makes you the kind of person everyone loves to be around. I guess God must love me. He’s shows me he has time and time again. I’m just not sure if I love myself.

PS. I never felt like you ever really cared for me and that you always cared more for yourself. And that just never sat right with me. That all the love and attention you gave to me were more about you than about me. And that story of mine has led us to this point in our lives. So much blame. So many stories. So many rackets.

REALIZATIONS…. Part 1

Posted: June 5, 2017 in Heart


So needless to say I’ve made some realizations in the last while. Well actually, every day it seems I make these realizations but never share them. Why, right? Well this blog is all about that. Little realizations, made daily. If only I had the initiative to record them all and lock them down in digital ink so they are out in the world forever. 

So I’ve realized lately that I’m more upset at the missed opportunities than at the loss. And this has never been more evident than in the stock market. So recently I started playing with stocks. Small time penny stocks with potential for huge returns. Which has been evident in the last little while. Now, I’m getting a little stressed out. And it’s been noticed. But what’s really been noticed by me and others is that I’m not even giving second thought to the stocks I now own that are losing. Doesn’t bother me one bit. It’s money that’s already gone and I’m good with it as it is. But…. The deals I missed out on, those are the ones that piss me off the most! Like infuriating!! Take today for example. Stock price goes down from a high of 65% gain to 20%, it’s down to 0.032 and I’m like…. I’m in I’ll buy. Then I turned greedy. It wanted 0.030. So I waited. And bbbaaammmm it took off!!! Skyrocketed to 110% gain!!! Eat that!!! Now granted all I wanted to buy was $100 worth so yes I’d make $100 at most. But that’s not the point! The point was that I missed out on an amazing opportunity!! And that’s what roasted my potatoes!! So mad. What about the stocks I got already that went up. Or down?! I dunno who cares!! That’s money already spent. Frustrating!! 

So yeah, that’s one helluva realization. Its one of those things that I’ve known for a while, as if it’s hard not to know. It’s not like I haven’t seen 10000 inspiration quotes and pics and posts about it. Studies. Polls. Articles. You name it. I know this. But never experienced it in real time. Ever, not like this. It’s clear as day!! 

Eyes wide open!! 

Ramblings

Posted: May 28, 2017 in Random Rants, Trials of Life

Have you ever wished that there was a sound track to life? Well I have, very much so actually. And looking back on life I realize that there kinda is. Those songs that you heard doing certain things or with certain people, maybe during a breakup or an amazing night that ends the next day and the same song comes on a few times and becomes the sound track of the night, then the soundtrack of the month, the season, or even the year. I love that. 2017 soundtrack was A drake track, Feel No Way. I was wondering what the soundtrack track was gonna be for this year and its been discovered, a few days ago in fact. About 4 days ago I heard Drake’s Passionfruit and was thinking, wow that’s a great breakup track. I bet I’ll sing it to Christie sometime for karaoke or something and get a kick out of it from her. Well little did I know 2 days later it would be on repeat cause we actually ended up breaking up. So the track of 2018 is that. Funny cause its like deja vu. Last year I played feel no way on repeat cause of the girl I broke up with because of Christie. Happened around the same time too, just a few weeks earlier in the year. And both breakups were because of her. That’s messed up shit. I feel bad for anyone reading this post or if you signed up to be notified via email when I post something new, because all the last little bit has been is negative down gloomy writings. And now with this huge event in my life, its gonna be one fuck of a sad story. Me venting, pouring my heart out on to these digital pages (and maybe a few tears as well). Real sappy shit, so I apologies in advance and wont be hurt in the least if you unfollow. Its gonna get messy for a bit, after I’m done stewing in my own BS for a bit. Be careful what you wish for in life, cause you just might receive it! And everything you receive you attracted. And yes I know this very well. If I didnt, this is very stern reminder, yet once again!! Thank you life!!

And the final chapter was written 

Posted: May 27, 2017 in Heart

So some sad news… The relationship that I thought would never end, had in fact ended. And no matter the hardship that was endured, no matter the fact that it was a long time coming and has long been over due, no matter the fact that we fought over everything more than we did anything else….. It’s still heart breaking. The heart is in heavy today. As was yesterday when it happened. It ended like it began, after work, 6pm phone call. Almost a year to the date too. Almost. And it almost was almost something they would have written scripts and poems and stories about. Epic. But it didn’t even have a chance. Didn’t even have the ability to take a breath. Yes, I blame 90% of it in her. Not fair, maybe not, but still. Lord knows I tried. I tried and I tried and I tried. To no avail. A 24 year old beauty stuck inside the mind of a 16 year old entitled girl from an upper middle class family that’s never been fucked over to the extent that she would know what’s good when it came. Well she did. She scooped me up quick. But in the end her heart was never fully in it. Always one foot in one foot out. Was it the religion, the race, the age, the upbringing…. I’ll never know. The fact is, it’s done.

We had a super long chat last night. She asked me the same questions she always asks. And I usually answer them in a similar way. But it Distilled into her living in the future and the past and totally disregarding the present moment. The sticking point, what religion are we gonna raise our children. From a girl who when met didn’t want children. Then baby brain happens as always does, and it got sticky. I said, we would let them choose, but she wants the traditional Christian way of raising them. Even though she’s not really traditional Christian herself. So Idunno. We’re both broken up about it. Stomach is in knots. Rollercoaster of an emotional ride. One minute I’m happy and relived and the next I’m sad and lonely and lost. I don’t like it.

Could I have been better? Yes of course. But then again so could she. The one thing I loved about her is her obsession with me. Even though it was suffocating it was a good kind if suffocation. If there is such a thing. Everyone in the world wants to be wanted. And she did that very well. Till she didn’t. But in honesty, I stopped wanting her quite some time ago.

I can’t take stress and fighting. It ruins it all for me. Yes I could have been better. But so could she. Idunno how I would have done it differently. I honestly say I tried my best with what I had. I even did Landmark to try and improve myself and I got met with, don’t use Landmark on me! It felt like I was always losing. Always. There was definitely moments of hope in all the darkness that kept me going through it. And I probably would have continued, unhappy, to some unknown end. But it felt like it had to end eventually. It was a good run. That’s for sure. And maybe things could have ended well, but who knows. I guess I’ll never know

We did end in a good note though. I told her that the one thing I’ve learned in life is that nothing is forever except death, and even that isn’t really forever if you believe. I’ve had relationships end and we stay friends and end up back together eventually. They weren’t right though so they had to eventually end. My hopes is that maybe she can figure her shit out while she’s out there on her quest for her unicorn relationship. If she does then I said that she would be welcomed back with open arms. Maybe I’ll be a different person as well. Someone more able to deal with things better. Idunno. Or maybe she would have matured and got fucked over a few times to realize that what she wants doesn’t actually exist. Who knows. Only time will tell.

For now we do the friend thing. See where that goes. The thing I liked the most about the relationship is that I knew I always had someone there that was really there. Really cared. Even tho I couldn’t share everything with her and felt super lonely in the relationship it was the security of it that was nice. I was totally sacrificing happiness for security. And she’s pretty. Or everyone seemed to think so and it made me feel better about myself that I was with a pretty girl. So vain I know. I don’t know why I still can’t get over that. Why is it that I see myself in the person I’m with. My worth is dependant on them and what they look like to others. When others say she’s hot I feel like, yeah I’m someone cool got girls love me and so therefor I must be a somebody. It’s so fucked up. Insecurity I guess. That’s funny, that’s what I blamed her for. We were too much alike. Both insecure but when I was with her I didn’t feel it. But it wasn’t just her. Any hot girl. When I’m with a hot girl I feel secure. Even tho truth be told at home she wasn’t hot. Only in public with makeup to cover up the acne and all the nice clothes and what not. She just felt so fake. Like right now as we speak she’s out with her friend who she slandered over and over calling her a whore and all that, and yet she’s all happy to be there with her. I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. I haven’t changed anything from my routine from one day to the next and nothing has even really changed, we still message and chat and all that, and yet now that the future is no longer there or at least not in that capacity, I feel so lost. My story. It’s killing me at times. In the day at work I feel great. Home alone I feel shitty. I feel like I wanna hug her and tell her I love her and yet I also wanna scream and yell at her and tell her to give her head a shake for making such a stupid decision. It’s a messed up feeling. So turbulent!! OK so now I have the room to be with someone who will not fight with me and be peaceful but once your used to something in this life, even if it be fighting and turmoil everyday, it’s becomes a part of you. Part of the thing you need almost. Maybe that’s why she does it. She did say she fights with all her bf’s. So maybe it’s a need now to survive. Idunno.

Regardless, life has been shaken to its foundation. I knew in my heart of hearts that I got the one that would never turn back. Yet I knew the day would come that it had to end. So it was conflicting from the beginning. We did have amazing moments, even though few. Those are the things I will see. I will disregard all the sadness, loneliness, and anguish that was constantly going in inside the relationship. It was a nightmare it seemed at times. So much so that I didn’t even write about it cause it would all be complaints and sadness and stress. Fight fight fight after fight fight fight. Just couldn’t get anywhere. And yet even knowing that, at this very moment I’d take her back, resent and all. Weird how that goes. As the days go on know I’ll go on more of these Rollercoaster rides of emotion until time has healed it. I can just imagine now what my ex felt like when I broke up with her when everything was working out perfectly! If this is bad then wow!!! Heart breaking!!! And she made it through. So I’m sure I’ll be fine as long as I can get outta my head and think clearly!!! We’ll see.

I was really hoping the final chapter of this would end in totaly differnt way. Guess the old saying stands…. I plan and you plan and the universe makes its own plans.

I had so many things planned for us and our future and I said I would endure all the bullshit so that we would get there and one day we will. And now that will not come to fruition. At least not in this moment. Not now anyways. Maybe not ever. And no matter how unhappy I was and unsatisfied in the relationship and how much I wished and dreamed this day would come, now its here and I fucking hate it. Actually hate it. Such a shitty feeling knowing that something so huge in my life has ended. Im left in an even shittier place than I was before. Or so it feels like at this moment. Crazy how emotionals spiral like that. This morning I was calming her and being there for her telling her to feel better and that it was the right thing to do, and I felt great doing that. I was over it already and ready to move on to the next chapter. And now that Im home alone with my thoughts and my stories, I feel like a bag of shit and utterly depressed and sad to no end in sight. Such a shitty feeling.