Archive for the ‘Trials of Life’ Category

I am not defined or characterized by the person that I am with. I am my own man. I should have taken that lesson from my father a long time ago, but obviously I have not. And its about damn time I did. I have always identified by the people I am around, my friends, my family, but most importantly, by the person I am dating. They also had to be attractive, because only cool guys date attractive women. They had to be fit, well because only losers date fat girls. And the list goes on and on and on. Stemming really from humans ultimate fear of looking good and avoiding looking bad. I would always fuck a fat girl, ugly girl, or any other kind of girl, but I never wanted to be out in public with them. So any time I was dating a girl, or having any serious relationship with any girl at all, it was always a must that they fit into some category, as it would define the person I am. Not I’ve skipped the last few weeks, as they have been instrumental in getting me to this point right now, but as time unfolds, you will be able to piece together what transpired throughout those few weeks.

Christie and I are back in negotiations into our relationship. We are not at a point where neither of us are seeing, fucking, sucking, licking, or even entertaining anyone else. We are both pretty adamant about making sure anyone that wants to have anything to do with us, that we are unavailable at this moment, and possibly for the rest of time. So what happened you ask? Well that’s a long long story of defeat and triumph. The Phoenix that rose from the ashes to reclaim all that was his, but in a better, stronger, more powerful version. After all, the phoenix can never become unless everything is burnt to a crisp, and it was. So where are we at now? Well that’s the interesting thing, and the reason for this particular post.

During our breakup, we saw other people. I fucked some, she sucked some (and licked a few assholes as well), which obviously didn’t matter at the time as my focus was on attracting her back to me. Well that’s happened. And now? Well not its become an issue. Not a logical or rational one, something I have to mention. Yes, I know what your thinking…. im being ungrateful, and I am. Really I’m just being an immature child, and not the mature grown man that I’m supposed to be at this point in my life. And I see that clearly. Shit you can tell by how I look to know this. I have attachment issues. If not people, its to thoughts and ideas, even mental images. I get attached. And ever since a couple weeks ago I became attached to the thoughts of her being with other guys during the breakup. Facts are, we broke up. On her end there was no intention of ever getting back together, so she moved on and started dating others, and with dating comes sexual acts of course. So then why be hung up? Well because I was clearly not moved on, and still emotionally attached, as you’ll see in the future as the story is revealed. Which brings me to this…

If I am my own man, confident in my ways and who I am and what I want, then all there is to know is that I lost someone, manned the fuck up, and got them back. I got what I wanted, exactly how I wanted it, even better than before. Not from her end per say, but on mine. She is still the amazing person she is, but I have become a better man for it. 3 months of agony transformed me and gave me the tools I needed to become a better person for myself, and everyoned around me. More apt to be in an actual relationship, bringing a whole person as opposed to half a person who’s looking to be completed. But as long as I keep holding onto things she did during the break up, its a clear indication that I have more work to do, as a whole person is not bothered by reality or how things are, or could or should have been. A whole person is complete no matter what the other person is or was. This does not reflect on a whole person in any way shape or form. Especially since I’m also a person that has collapsed morality in with so many other things including sex and sexual acts. Combine that with 50 thousand years of evolutionary programming and for someone like me its like being sabotaged by my own brain. The very thing that wants to keep me safe and alive is working against my progress and happiness. After all, my brain wants certainty, safety, security. It doesn’t give a fuck about happiness, joy, fulfillment, love, or any of those things. It wants me to stay alive, and that’s it! Essentially my brain is a future predicting machine that’s taking past experiences and charging them with the emotion experienced in those moments to ward of anything in the future that looks or feels anything like those past experiences. Those being negative of course. Anything that spells uncertainty has to be eliminated and it will employ everything last weapon in its arsenal to make sure it happens. So what do I do?

Well, anytime one wants to succeed, they must rise above the level of what we deem as ourselves. In reality, its our limbic system in charge and making sure we do what we must to live. Combine that with our super advanced cortex and it spells anything but possibility. One really can achieve self mastery, but that takes a lot of discipline and a lot of practice. At what you ask? Not listening to our brain! Not taking our own advice! Well the one that involves anything but fact that is. Emotions cloud judgement because they are formed in the heat of the moment by a situation that’s already happened in the past. So when something on paper looks great, but your still hungup on something that doesn’t even seem like it should hang you up, then that’s a clear sign. Me for example, being hungup on something that happened when I was not in the picture, essentially like meeting someone for the first time all over again, I would be hungup on any past relationships shes had or what shes done in them, as I’m only here for the present and future. Meaning, I’m hungup based on programming. Essentially not difference than being in the matrix. Programming the machine to do whats required for the greater good, And in this case, the greater good is my survival. Except the matrix doenst see that the times have changed and we now live in a civilization and not alone in the woods anymore.

When Freud says we have the Id, the Ego, and the Superego, well it might seem science fictiony, but in reality, its like having 3 entities in there all trying to do the same thing but they just cant seem to agree. So the dominant one wins during whatever situation. Its the story of the good wolf and the bad wolf. Whichever one you feed, will always dominate the other. There’s a story in that for another day. Point being, we are conflicted at times by trivial things. But in the end, we are whole and complete and perfect and we never need to anything else outside of ourselves to be the person we want to be, we already have it. So whomever you date does not define who you are. If likes to lick assholes, then it has nothing to do with you in that it defines who you are for being with her. All it means is that she’s going to lick your asshole too! And what a glorious thing that is!! So drop the irrationality of what happened while you were not present at the party, and enjoy! Get your dick sucked dry of every last drop. Have your balls in some pretty girls mouth and feel all the goodness that it has to offer. And for fucks sake man, get your asshole eaten out so good that it makes you wanna cum like the water fountains at the the Bellagio!!! Life isn’t so serious, so enjoy it and don’t make it mean anything. At the end of the day, life is really empty and meaningless, so live as such!

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Ramblings

Posted: May 28, 2017 in Random Rants, Trials of Life

Have you ever wished that there was a sound track to life? Well I have, very much so actually. And looking back on life I realize that there kinda is. Those songs that you heard doing certain things or with certain people, maybe during a breakup or an amazing night that ends the next day and the same song comes on a few times and becomes the sound track of the night, then the soundtrack of the month, the season, or even the year. I love that. 2017 soundtrack was A drake track, Feel No Way. I was wondering what the soundtrack track was gonna be for this year and its been discovered, a few days ago in fact. About 4 days ago I heard Drake’s Passionfruit and was thinking, wow that’s a great breakup track. I bet I’ll sing it to Christie sometime for karaoke or something and get a kick out of it from her. Well little did I know 2 days later it would be on repeat cause we actually ended up breaking up. So the track of 2018 is that. Funny cause its like deja vu. Last year I played feel no way on repeat cause of the girl I broke up with because of Christie. Happened around the same time too, just a few weeks earlier in the year. And both breakups were because of her. That’s messed up shit. I feel bad for anyone reading this post or if you signed up to be notified via email when I post something new, because all the last little bit has been is negative down gloomy writings. And now with this huge event in my life, its gonna be one fuck of a sad story. Me venting, pouring my heart out on to these digital pages (and maybe a few tears as well). Real sappy shit, so I apologies in advance and wont be hurt in the least if you unfollow. Its gonna get messy for a bit, after I’m done stewing in my own BS for a bit. Be careful what you wish for in life, cause you just might receive it! And everything you receive you attracted. And yes I know this very well. If I didnt, this is very stern reminder, yet once again!! Thank you life!!

Jan/04/2017

Posted: January 5, 2017 in A-Fib, Heart, Random Rants, Trials of Life
Tags: , ,

0330: woken up for a fight. She lost her ring I gave her for Christmas. She can’t sleep. So why should I right?? She tells me about it. In my sleepy vulnerable state I thought that I could speak freely. Speak my mind. Speak from the heart. I blabbered on, cause that’s just what I do. I felt really good. She wasn’t arguing or saying anything in return. I thought maybe she was asleep! Turns out she wasn’t. She was just holding her tongue. And then she spoke. And then we fought. And fought and fought and fought till about 5am. Why? If I try to show or teach her anything I’ve learned in my life, me being 10 years older, she sees it as me putting her down. And for her, she was t’s to be “equal or above”  so that’s fine. I tried for so long to tell her I don’t see anyone as above or below. We all on the same level ground. But so many have taught me growing up and I wanna give that to her so she had this valuable knowledge that I wish I had been told years earlier. Not for change, but to just have it. Take it. Use it or not, that’s up to you, but let me speak it. It’s the #1 thing I crave. For me it’s self expression. If I can say what I want without having to think and rethink about it for fear of it being the wrong thing to do, then I’m happy. That’s why I feel in love with her in the first place. We spoke for 3-4 hours every single day! She let me talk and talk and talk. I melted. I was in so much love. I flew to Not her country for her cause I loved it so much. And now, I’m being asked to not. Not talk, not teach, not show, not have any self expression for fear that it might piss her off and cause her to resent me cause it might comes off as me putting her down or invalidating her worth or controlling her by “telling her what to do” . So that’s that I guess. I’ll just stuff it inside. Or learn to deal with it some other way with some other person. The complete girl I’ve always wanted and thought she was at the beginning, turns out isn’t her. And in that I realize that my vision of the complete girl is off. She really doesn’t exist in my realm. Not in this life. Why be a single bachelor so far? What’s the point, the one I want doesn’t exist in this life, so why chase her?  It’s like chasing after a sasquatch. To all those that have found the perfect one for them, I say. . . I’m super happy for all you. Your lucky and blessed. For the rest of us, we either settle or live a lonely life. Going from relationship to relationship, cold hearted. Waiting for the day when the director yells CCUUUTTTT! And then it’s a wrap. Enjoyed or not, it all had to end eventually.
0700: 1x exhilarin

0730: 2x probiotic

0735: tulsi chai tea

1130: 2 drops d+k, 1x ALA, 1x carnitine, 1x CoQ10, 2x fish oil, earl gray tea

1900: 2x l-theanine, 1 x complex, 2x b3

2100: lobster ravioli, virgin ceasar

2200: 1x digestive enzymes

2245: 1tsp calm magnesium
Amazing dinner out at victoria house. Great food, amazing atmosphere, amazing people around. Super cool. No fighting. Laughing the whole time. Truly made the entire trip worth it. Lots and lots of laughs.  We jokes around like we were kids. So super immature and yet so much fun. Made fun if each other, laughed, joked, we were totally in our own world. Felt super appreciated by the crew around for all the world we are doing here on the island, making people lives better, enriching them, empowering them. Felt at peace. Clear minded. Happy. Joyous. Surrounded any friends. What a great night. And the “lobster in a blanket with his friends camping” dish was pretty good too. Oh and they make the BEST bloody marry drink EEVVEERRRRR!!!!!! Even if it’s a virgin.

Jan/03/2017

Posted: January 5, 2017 in A-Fib, Heart, Random Rants, Trials of Life
Tags: , , ,

0700: 1x exhilarin

0900: chai holy basil, coffee alternative

1000: beans, rice, spices, onion

1030: 1x CoQ10, 1x ALA, 1x carnitine

1100: protein pancakes, phytoberry, butter, syrup, banana

1600: blue raspberries poweraid

1700: cherry diet 7up
Feeling great today. Another day of no PAC’s. Great day for sure. No fights yet so no stress yet. Headache but that could be from too much sun yesterday and some dehydration. I been reading about ketosis and I’m thinking of doing some fasting and going on a keto diet, see how that plays out. As soon as i get settled back in Canada.
1745: 2x d+k, 2x fish oil, 1 scoop aminos, pollen, honey, D-ribos, taurine

Jan/02/2017

Posted: January 5, 2017 in A-Fib, Heart, Random Rants, Trials of Life
Tags: , ,

0900: 1x exhilarin

1000: coffee alternative

1030: acv and baking soda

1100: left over shrimp pizza and lasagna, 2 drops d +k, 1x ALA 1x CoQ10, 1x carnitine, 2x probiotic

1130: 1 scoop phytoberry, bee pollen, psyllium, chia, D-ribos, taurine
Today has been very different from yesterday. Got woken up for her to ask if u had cheated on her.  Why? She had a dream I did. Which pretty much set the tone for the day. Someone knocked on the door, asked for keys, she looks for a few  seconds, can’t find them comes and gets me to look for them. So I get up out of bed to look, only to find them right there in open view on the bench in the middle of the room. A blind person could have seen them. So I proceed to say that she need to learn to be more present, something that I always thought she lacks. Don’t get me wrong, so do I, and I made that very clear. But I’m aware that I’m not and I’m trying my best to be. Where she won’t even accept it a fight started about how I’m trying to change her and that I always try to teach her stuff and how I need to stop trying to elevate her and let he do whatever she wants and never say anything about it, just keep it inside and if she ever asks then I can say something. Even tho I’m in the relationship, I should not have the ability to speak freely Becuase it could come off as criticism and instead just keep my mouth shut and just love her. Now I think anyone reading this is gonna see the problem here. Lack of self expression = soul suffocation = an eventual end to the relationship. But she doesn’t see it. No communication = end of the relationship. But that’s good for her as long as she’s not made to feel like her ego is getting stepped on. So starts the beginning of the end. It’s too bad that she won’t be able to see it till it’s all over.

1300: 1 tsp Moringa, 1tsp turmeric

1600: 1/2 #2 cigar monte Cristo

1830: 1x D-stress

1900: tea: matcha, holy basil, some fruity smelling loose leaf tea from Teavana

2100: grouper, baked potato, keylime pie

2230: 25 drops Aussie trace minerals

2245: 1 tsp calm magnesium, 1x potassium iodide

Jan/01/2017

Posted: January 5, 2017 in A-Fib, Heart, Random Rants, Trials of Life
Tags: , ,

1000: 1x exhilarin

1100: 2x probiotic

1130: 3 x protein pancakes, 1x carnitine, 1x CoQ10, 1x ALA
So last night was pretty amazing. The day started off not so good. Then got the invite at like 1500 for a boat cruise @ 2000. Felt shitty. Didn’t wanna go. For personal jabs from cat which made me not wanna go even more. Then she changed her tune and was sweet, so I decided I’d go even tho I felt like crap. Ended up having an amazing night. Cruised for a bit with the guys, talked about a whole bunch of cool Stuff, talked about the highlight of 2016 (meeting Christie and her crew), made a new years resolution to tame Maurice the instant gratification monkey (no more procrastination) by writing it down in a piece of paper and burning it right before the clock hit midnight, then watched the fireworks from the sail boat. Epic. Got back around 130,took a cruise into town, hit a local pub, back home at 430. Bed by 5. Amazing night. Was in the best place I could have been mentally. Peacefully calm and tranquil. Felt so alive. Holding a girl that made it all happened. Who loves me obsessively. Surrounded by the best people i could have been around. Epic. Messed up the day after cause it totally threw off the clock,  but total worth it. Then today, no fights all day. Amazing day. Got my wish of starting off the year on a great note!!! And all this time still no PAC’s. Loving it!!!

Dec/27/2016

Posted: January 2, 2017 in Trials of Life

​Didn’t sleep well. But only woke up once. 
0730: 1x exhilarin, 2 drops d+k, coffee alternative, southern butter pecan creamer 

1040: 2  d +k drops

1045: 2x probiotic 

1100: omelet with chicken and 1/2 onion 

1130: 1x CoQ10, 1x ALA, 1x carnitine, 2x 5htp, black seed whole 

1200: bee pollen, 1/2 tsp arginine, 1tsp D-ribos, 1 tsp maca

1600: 1x gaba 500mg

1630: mojito mint green tea 

2000: salad, chicken, beets,  1x fish oil

2100: 1x tryptophan 

2200: 1 tsp calm magnesium 

Dec/26/2016

Posted: January 2, 2017 in Trials of Life

​Another great day, 8 hours of sleep, I feel alive and well rested. Heart so far, zero skips. I’m so so so grateful for that. The terror of heart skipping is a nightmare and I’m so grateful not to be having right now. Another observation I’ve made is the higher the stress level, the less hard an erection is in the morning. Waking up with a super hard erection directly correlates to very low levels of cortisone and epinephrine. Less fight /flight chemicals, means everything relaxes, blood vessels relax, more blood flow, more oxygen, more happy chems, and less heart skippage. So the only thing that I’m noticing is still around is a little rib cage pain. That might be isolated as I have had costochondritis and apparently still do. So inflammation is definitely a factor. To update my findings, there’s 4 things that affect PAC’s:
1, sleep (restful) 

2, stress

3, inflammation 

4, GERD (too much acid in the stomach), and general overall body acidification. 
I believe that if we reduce the aforementioned #2-4 and increase #1, then your in your way to being free and clear of PAC’s. 
0745: 1x exhilarin 

0930: acv + baking soda

0945: Tulsi chai masala tea

1130: chicken, potatoes, carrots 

1200: 1x carnitine, 1x CoQ10, 1x ALA, 1x fish oil, 1x b3 100mg, 1x b complex (natural factors) 

1230: roasted brown rice green tea 

1245: 45 crunches, and 30 pushups 

1400: tea: hibiscus, fennel, holy basil, hawthorn 

1430: 2 drops d+k

1545: 1x D-stress 

1830: chicken, salad, left over conch fritters, 1x potassium iodide 

1900: stash red velvet tea

2000: chamomile tea

2145: 1x tryptophan 

2100: 1tsp calm magnesium

Dec/25/2016

Posted: January 2, 2017 in Trials of Life

​0600: 1x exhilarin 

0900: coffee alternative 

0930: 1x carnitine, 1x ALA, pinch of black seed 

1015: 1x eyedropper full of holy basil by new roots 

Stress is yet once again starting to build. Not a couple hours of being up and we’re already fighting. It’s the never ending battle. Either we over come it or it kills me. It’s looking more and more like it’s not gonna be the first one. Guess we’ll see how it plays out. For now looks like there’s nothing more to do other than to grin and bear it and see what becomes of it. 

1100: 1x probiotic HCP 75

1130: hard boiled eggs (2), sauted onions, garlic, tomatoes, pepper, celery salt. 

1200: acv and baking soda 

1215: coffee alternative 1 cup, 1x 5htp 50mg,  1x CoQ10 

1500: 10 almonds, 4 pecans, 3 Brazil nuts, 1pack seaweed snack

1545: lemon balm tea, 20 drops heart care,  honey 

1820: turmeric, taurine, moringa, 25 drops Aussie trace minerals

1900: ceviche, mega burrito from caliente, 1x probiotic, 1x udo’s choice ultimate digestive enzyme urgent care, soda water 

2230: 1 tsp calm

2245: tea: chamomile and goodnight tea
Today was a very slow day. Tired and grumpy all day. On the bright side, very minimal heart issues. A few skips but nothing worth mentioning. Over all great day for the heart. Beauty day in Belize. Perfect weather. It was definitely not a typical Christmas. No snow. No eggnog. No fires. No lights everywhere and Christmas carols playing from every stores stereo system. Not typical at all! But the decorated coconut trees light up with a million Christmas lights was definitely something special. A special place spent with a special someone. 

Dec/24/2016

Posted: January 2, 2017 in Trials of Life

​So here I am.  On a puddle jumper, once again, off to the sunny island if Ambergris Caye. I dunno what’s sadder, not coming here any more or making this trip with no love in my heart for it. I look out the window and see nothing up open sea, miraculous beauty, sunny skies, I cam imagine the warm breeze on my face, the sun shining, the smell of salt water in the air. And yet, I’m not filled with any excitement. At all. It’s a strange feeling. It could be my last trip, the last time I ever see these sunny shores. And yet, I don’t appreciate it. It’s a strange thing. 
We spent the night In Atlanta, had a 12 hour layover, stayed at a nice 4 star hotel, went out at night and had some deep fried seafood from one of the best places in town. Best clam chowder ever, that’s for sure!! Didn’t see much of the sites but the hospitality and friendliness was off the charts. Southern charm. No doubt about it. I’d love to come back and explore Georgia some day, if I can. 
So on the 22nd at night got into a huge fight with Christie, made my heart skip again. Chest tight. Terrible feeling. Stress is beyond a shadow of a doubt responsible for a third of the PAC’s. Digestion and sleep being the other 2/3rds. So yesterday was still a bit upset, but as the night went on it got better. Took my mind off of things and bs cause of the stuff we had to do, Last minute pickups of stuff and the drive to see moudy. Then the drive there was a nightmare!!! We get to where the 401 and 403 meet and it’s gridlock. Standstill for an hour. We take an off road and it’s gridlock there too. Stress to the max. The chance if us making it to Hamilton and then to the airport was next to nill. But somehow we do!! Back roads, flying in the highway, pure wreckless abandonment! But we make it. Land in Atlanta. Stress reduced. Hearts good. 
0700: 1x exhilarin 

0730: breakfast buffet 

1730: 10 almonds, 2x l-theanine 250mg

Ceviche for dinner with basmati rice 

1830: 1x CoQ10, 1x ALA 

1900: 1x D-stress, 1x fish oil,  25 drops Aussie trace minerals 

2000: tea: anise, fennel, caraway, chamomile, hibiscus, Rose water, honey