Archive for the ‘Breakups’ Category

There’s always a price to pay. Everything in this life will cost, nothing comes for free. I’ve had to give up a few things in order to get more. What I’ve had to give up was the safety and the comfort of security. But is that really a good bargain? That depends on who you ask, and when you ask. Ask me this months ago and I would have said that it was. As me a few years ago and I would have said, hhheeelllsssss no!! Ask me now and I’d say the same. What I gave up, security, was all an illusion. Cause it just goes to show that there is no such thing as security. Never. Nothing in this life can be a sure thing.

Before her I was seeing a beautiful, wild spirit. An artist. A partier. Someone who didn’t believe in working for the man. Owned her own business making custom jewelry. Lived in a chic apartment downtown. Truly a wild spirit. One that seemed untamable, yet her goal in life was to be married and have lots of children. Who could ask for more, right? But I wasn’t ready. Not for her at least. She seemed flaky. Someone they could not be locked down really. She wasn’t a sure bet. As happy as she made me. As horney as she made me. As fun as she was, there was nothing there to hold on to of substance for me. I made a lot of what she was doing or thinking wrong. She didn’t seem like she had her shit together. The moment I knew she was not a forever girl was the moment she said to me…. I fall out of love as quickly as I fall in love. And I was not gonna be the guy she fell out of love with. So while we were going out I had one girl add me to Instagram, gorgeous young blond girl. I saw her profile said she was going to work in Belize and I was planning a trip there. So I messaged her to see if we can be friends so I can have a friend when I was there. Innocent. We hit it off. We would chat every day for hours and hours. I couldn’t get enough of her. Made me smile from ear to ear every day. It was fresh, new, exciting. She really had her shit together. Wanted the forever thing. Has wanted it since she was 8. Marriage, long term, forever. Someone i could count on. A sure bet. Someone that was loyal, honest, successful. She was going places. She was the one I was looking for this whole time. So I bit. And yes technicly I was cheating entertaining this idea. I Remeber the first time we met I pretty much proposed to her. I have been anti-marriage and kids forever. She told me she wanted to get married but didn’t want kids. And I was in!! Later she changed her mind but that’s a whole other story. I must not digress. So the sure thing was here. So I bit hard. Only to find out a year after that we were breaking up and she was not in love with me. And this reason was cause of me. The things I did and didn’t do. So I tried so hard, fairytale hard, fought for the love. Got her back somehow. Only for her to fall out of love again. This time it had nothing to do with me. Her whole life was when she gets the man of her dreams then she will be happy. Well she got him. I was perfect, she said. Knocked it out of the park. But when she finally got the carrot on the stick, she wasn’t happy. Turns out marriage and kids was not what she was even looking for. Rude awakening. For the both of us!!

The moral of this story is that nothing is a for sure thing. And you have to give to get. What I had to give up was everything I had in mind as where my life would go. Give up sex. Oh yeah she’s a virgin. That might explain some. Give up the way I thought kids would be raised. Give up a lot of family stuff. Give up the things that made me light up, like rambling on about some stupid subject only I care about. She dislikes rambling. Dislikes anything airy fairy. There as a lot more but I don’t want to slander as we have agreed to remain friends and not defame each other. So I gave up. I gave up so much of myself that I started to feel dead inside. Depressed. I said to myself that on the second go I’d do everything I could so that if it ends I won’t say I didn’t try and give my 100%. I did stuff I didn’t want to do. Fake. And it was no way to live. In return for what? Someone to always be there. Someone to message in the morning when I wake up, before I go to sleep. Someone to tell me they love me constantly. Constantly reassured. She would always say… Oh I love you! And I’d say it right back. It was nice. Comfortable. Safe. Warm. But I had to give up a lot.

So now we are done I have had to give up some more. But this time it’s for something else. I have had to give up my hand being held in life. The comfort and safety of a harbour. No more messaging all the time. Someone else will be doing that. Our messages will be that of friends. No more “oh I love you”. No more BABE! In that cute way she would say it. No more safe harbour. But what do I get in return? So much more. For one I finally get to have sex again! It’s been a while lol. I don’t know how I held our for that long without cheating. But I would have done anything for her. I get to devote my time not to her, but to me. My time was spent driving back and forth 3 hours each way to where she lives. Spending hours in the phone listening to her complain, telling her she was right and that it’s all gonna be ok. I get to spend more time with my family. More time with my friends. I get to find myself and look deep inside, find that thing in me that keeps me held back. Like my fear of failure. My fear of being alone. My making everyone wrong. Figuring out why I have the need to argue my point till the other person lost interest and exited the conversation. I get to have the male energy back that I lost with her. She is prone to having male energy but loves being in the feminine energy. That would rarely happen when with me. When I’m with someone I care about I soften up for them. Open my heart, do it every time cause I think it’s safe. Something most men will not. At heart, men are full of emotions. But we hide it behind a hard shell. An exterior that’s all masculine. But it’s not real. Somewhere down the line we got hurt and turned into real douchebags. And forever since, we have been hiding behind the facade. With her I dropped it. With the ones I want to make part of me, I drop it. I’m able to check my ego hard. I’m present to both energies. Im labeled as an androgen. If you saw me you’d think…. Wow this guy must be a douchebag. But you meet me and I’m actually nice, charming, sincere, honest, and the list goes on and on. But to the ones I love I’m a sweetheart. I put all that aside and show my heart. She was just not ready for that. So she’s out chasing and being chased by douchbags like myself cause that’s her type. The only thing I can’t do is give her the experience of life that is to be had young. “the slut phase”. Now she’s a virgin so her slut phase will be tame to say the least. Dates. Dancing. Partying. Texting. Highschool stuff. But it will be healthy for her. She will get to see what life has to offer when your not looking at men as just the thing to marry so that your not scared of being alone. This will allow her to ease up in life. Realize that life isn’t so serious. So for that I’m happy. And I get to keep her in my life, but just in another capacity. We still get to hangout. Still message, but not as often. And for a short time, still fool around.

In the end I really come out of this as the winner. I get to keep the absolute best parts of her. While getting to be out in the world, meeting other woman. Exploring life again. Learning more about myself. Something I have been blind to for so long. Focusing on being the success that I have always wanted to be. Taking responsibility for all my actions. Learning to have more integrity. Being unleashed again on this world.

OK, rambling lol. Once again, the moral of this story is that you need to give to get. What I wanted from her I couldn’t get without accepting some things I didn’t want to. And now what I get, I have to give up some other good things. I have to give up something to get something else. But really I come out of this as the winner, even if it’s not about winning or losing. And for once I get to do the work to not being afraid of being alone. Not afraid of failing. Not make others wrong and push them away. Who the hell wants to be around someone who constantly tells them they’re wrong. I see it when I go back home. My parents have been married for almost 50 years and only till after my parents were married did my mother realize that she resents him huge for making her wrong all the time. They have a miserable relationship now. I don’t want to be that. And I know I resent her already. Cause of all the things I make her wrong for. This might sound bad, but when she had her health scare all I could think about was….. See I fucking told you this would happen if you keep putting garbage into your body! I don’t learn this the first go. And obv didn’t learn it the second go. She was just wrong. She was wrong for breaking it off, and now she was wrong about eating what makes her happy to eat.

Ask yourself, would you make a person wrong if you knew they weren’t gonna be in your life forever? The answer will probably be, NO. Now that comes from a place of not giving a fuck. But what looks like that too, is love! True love is a space where someone can fuck up and do whatever they want and learn and grow. Now in a relationship that’s going to last, you can’t just do whatever you want cause there’s a whole other person that will be affected by your actions. So although love is free, reality will always catch up and be a factor.

So for now, the only way to get the thing that looks like love, is to get the thing that isn’t. The thing where people just don’t give a fuck about you. It’s fun, it’s light, and no one will ever tell you what to do. And for someone that has a huge huge hhuuggeee issue with being told what to do, that’s gonna be just perfect!!

For me…. Well the journey begins again. On the hunt. But not for a woman to make me feel secure or safe or that I have succeeded. But the hunt for myself. The hunt for my freedom. To find the holy grail of self. Be in touch with my higher self. The one that has no fear. The one that is not affected by circumstances. That one that is perfectly ok with being alone in this world. The one that’s responsible for their own success or failure. The one that is calm and cool in the face of all adversity. Unshaken. Unafraid.

I shall leave you now with something Seneca said…

“The happy man is not he whom the crowd deems happy, namely, he into whose coffers mighty sums have flowed, but he who’s possessions are all in his soul, who is upright and exalted, who spurs inconsistency, who sees no man with whom he wishes to change places, who rates men only at their value as men, who takes nature for his teacher, conforming to her laws and living as she commands, whom no violence can deprive of his possessions, who turns evil into good, is unerring in his judgement, unshaken, unafraid, who may be moved by force but never moved to distraction, whom fortune when she hurls at him with all her might the deadliest missile in her armoury, may graze, though rarely, but never wound. For Fortune’s other missiles, with which she vanquishes mankind in general, rebound from such a one, like hail which rattles on the roof with no harm to the dweller therein, and then melts away. ”

Goodnight.

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Updated from yesterday…

+ I get to have the best parts of her in the way that makes me happy and joyous without anything else I don’t like
+ so much more love for her and from her
+ I keep the best parts of the best friend while getting to have as much sex as I want with other woman
+ we can talk to each other in any way still, cute sayings, babe, whatever. Without making it some type of way it should be.
+ since it’s no longer my concern if she succeeds it fails, my input, other than for happy fun stuff is not needed. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. A weight of responsibility.
+ before, if she fails we both fail since its a team. Now if she fails, she fails. And since this is her choosing, I can have a clean conscience about it without any blame towards myself cause I was the root cause.
+ how can ever be alone anymore if I have Laura and yet as female friends?
+ she is 100% good with me fucking as many people as I want and still seeing her. And for now, still busting a nut in her mouth too. At some point they will end but I would have had what every little boy dreams of for a short time. And then on to the next amazing thing every little boy wants.
+ made me realize, I am, have been, have done, what every little boy wants to be, do, have at some point in life.
(- firefighter, 6 figure salary, a job doing nothing but hanging out with the boys, banging many many hot woman, having amazing relationships full of live, best friends that will kill for you, fam that is always there for you, super cool cars, crazy partying tons of booze tons of drugs, own a super sick house, travel the world, work in a tropical paradise, be super crazy in love, get jacked, do porn freaky sht with girls, be the classic man, I’m sure the list goes on)
+ I don’t have to listen to the incessant complaints for hours on end and get to now listen to some new girl tell me things I’ve never heard before. Learn something new and exciting.
+ (this is gonna sound spiteful) at some point she will ultimately conclude that the image of love is not fixed. What used to make you feel in love is not fixed. It’s ever changing. And it changes with time, life experience, and the fact that our body is always renewing itself and what used to give us a certain high won’t be in years to come. Our taste changes. I used to love powered milk, now it’s just nostalgia. I still love Condensed milk but now I won’t love it fully cause I realize in the amount that I feel love from it, it’s bad for my body and the love I feel from its taste, isn’t enough to keep it around. What I value has changed with time, knowledge, experience.

+today I made some really amazing discoveries. I wrote the last blog this morning and update this one shortly after. I have come to realize that there are just some fundamentals that we fear. And those fears end up driving the bus, all we end up doing is going along for the ride. Focusing on what we don’t want will only bring us more of the same. Focusing on what we do and what will bring us there and doing the little things that will eventually bring us there is the key. What you resist in life will persist. That’s really all there is to say. Stop resisting being afraid. Some resisting failure. Stop resisting being alone. Do the work and then just get out of your own way and just chill the fuck out. The best things come to you when the work is done and your not forcing it. Energy flows where it feels secure and where it belongs. Be the place where that energy can be free to be safe, a space of love.

As the day progressed, the clouds formed, the sky’s darkened, the fog descended, and the gloom was overwhelming. By the time the day ended and turned to night, the air was so waterlogged that dew formed rain drops in mid-air and dropped out like tears from a giant eye, seemingly out no where. By the time dawn broke rain, was upon us in all its glory and sadness as if the heavens were weeping in sorrow of what just transpired.

And what just happened was the finalization it the final chapter of a book 2 year in the making. It’s been one helluva book, that’s for sure. Moments of glory, of pain, or sorry, or happiness, of hope, of a bright future and of death. It’s had it all. As they say, we laughed and we cried. And then in the end, it ended the same way it began. But with that said, we both walked away with bags of knowledge and experience. And experience being the most valuable “thing” anyone could ever hope for, something sometimes money can’t even buy. Simply priceless.

I arrived at her building to the soundtrack of Push me to the edge by lol uzi. How befitting….. “Your the worst, your the worst….” Lol. No plans to go up but she’s not ready so I did. Felt a bit awkward, reminiscent of the last breakup. By the way, something that seemed so foreign now. I Remeber trying to Remeber the sorrow I felt then and I couldn’t. I wondered what that feeling felt like and how I was a mess, a puddle of emotions, and yet now things are good I couldn’t even recall what that felt like. Well, some have come flooding back. It’s kinda hard not to allow them in. But what they is, “what resists persists” so holding them back will on keep them coming. So I have to embrace and do the incremental work to get back to where I want to be. Alive!!

So we chat, she gets ready, we go for coffee. Hit 2 diff coffee houses. Nice places, and we talk. The second place has an art gallery in the back so it was cool sitting on a bench in the gallery drinking a London fog while she sips in some prosecco in a champagne flute while people walk around us and we’re talking about the end of a relationship. Very different. We go for all you eat sushi. Lots and lots of talking. Get back to her place. Have our weekly landmark group call. Then sit down to create the next chapter. Last time I thought I fkd up, I shorted her big time and was the worst. So I needed to try hard to get her back so I can prove to myself that I can do better. Well I did that. She came back. I pulled out all the stops. There was nothing more I could do without devaluing myself to a level I couldn’t live with. I know in my heart there was nothing more I could do without actually changing myself. And it still ended so I can walk about clean. The crazy part is that even tho she wanted all that, that’s not what was needed. What was missing for her were the things I couldn’t change. My fundamental self. They way I am. The things that make me me and give me joy. For example, she wants the super masculine quite guy who will just listen to her when she needs to talk. I can’t be that, I fkn love to talk!!it brings me so much joy in life to blabber on and be heard. When my words can make a difference in someone’s life. That makes me so happy. It actually energizes me and gets me wired where I can’t even sleep! Also, someone that will make her laugh all day every day. Granted I can be funny but I’m not that guy who’s always cracking jokes. I like being silly and goofy sometimes and I do love jokes, but I can’t keep it turned on all day. Some can, it’s who they can be, and I can’t be that. Our humour is not the same. She loves family guy and I think it’s dumb. We do laugh about the same things a lot of the time but not all the time. I don’t like being serious all the time but I do like being effective. I’m not that guy and honestly don’t really wanna be. She said it like 100 times that she might be being immature and making the biggest mistake of her life, but she has to go out and see what she can attract. And she’s not ready for long term. She hasn’t had enough fun yet and if she settles down now then her wants will be wandering and that will always lead to no good. She still thinks in such a way that can only come from the kind of someone still in their early 20’s. I know I was there and I can relate for sure! So I can relate and I totally understand and know that since I did everything I could possibly do without changing my core self…. Then that’s it.. We both agreed it really wasn’t me and really was her. In every way lol. And that left me settled.

So we created. We formulated a way of being that we are going to take on that will allow this transition to work. Neither of us want to end it but in light of her thoughts and her feelings, there can’t be a way we can continue with the status quo. After much discussion we come to a conclusion that we were both in it for the wrong reasons. And if we’re being honest about it, I didn’t want to admit it or face it but after we got back together for the second time, shortly after I started feeling more and more dead inside. I thought to myself at one point….. Is this how I’m going to be feeling for the rest of our lives?! I could find no joy in anything. At times so depressed! Nothing that made me happy before made me happy then. It wasn’t good. BUT…. it was safe, it was secure. But is that a good enough reason to stay in a relationship? Not likely. The crazy thing is when we are not committed to each other in a serious relationship, we are such better people! We have so much fun together, we laugh at everything, the physical is on fire!! And as soon as we’re back in it, it’s like death! So it really is for the best. There’s nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone that makes you feel dead inside. This is wwwaaayyyyy better!! So for a short time now we will carry on in the new method of being with each other. We will see other people. We will for a short time continue to be physical, for better or worse. And will phase it out. There’s no restrictions in place and if something changes for someone in terms of feeling and whatnot then we reassess and go from there. We might have to cut it off sooner than expected but who knows. At some point one if us will want to exit to persue something serious, but for now, here we are.

So I left her city on a night that was gloomier than any other I have experienced while with her there. Felt heavy. Sad. But the rains always make way for the a fresh new beginning. So here we are. Scared. Excited. Unsure of my footing. But brave enough to know that there’s something great ahead! In whatever shape or form it’s in. For now, no dwelling on what’s Not so (what I don’t want or don’t have) and start focusing on what is (what I want to manifest). For now, I’m sad and yet settled. It’s a good day to be alive.

What do I say? I’m not really sure anymore. I’ve said a lot. Around 4pm she called and told me she wants to break up with me. Again. We talked and got to why she wants to. This time it’s not with me and that’s for sure. I’m the perfect man and make the perfect husband and father, but that’s not what she realised she wants. Not to be in a relationship, not to be a wife. Not to be committed. There’s reason that I won’t go in to, but that’s really the bottom line. She loves me but is not in love with me, and was back in it for the wrong reasons. Ok, understood. She hadn’t seen much of life and has no idea how to compare what’s good. When you’ve had the best in life you never really know. The laws of supply and demand. I ou can’t truly know the value of a diamond when you have bags of them sitting in the corner of the room. I’ve given her the world and everything in it. I’d launch a thousand ships for her, but the value of it can be understood but never really felt. Never to have an impact the way it should when you think anyone would.

So we talked and that got me to a place where I could understand it. But I was not good with it. I am hurt and that’s a fact. So I reached out to some friends who were there when I need them, bless them for that. Then out of the blue my long time friend Jay came by. Haven’t seen him in forever and just like that he messages at the perfect time. So he comes by and we talk for hours on end. It’s 330am and he finally had to go home but it made me realize so much. I couldn’t have made it to this point so fast if not for that. I wrote stuff down but the impact of this was priceless. And what I realized is a miracle. I realized that LOVE to talk!! Like a lot!! And not just talk but actually be heard and appreciated, have my words appreciated for what they are. Insightful and meaningful. Words that get the brain flowing, stuff that makes one think and ponder. Analyze life and what I’m saying. I realize that that’s something I need and can’t be without in a relationship or a friendship. And that’s something i could never get with Christie in this relationship. That was a negative. My ramblings were something to be stifled cause they were not useful. So I made myself wrong about it. Like it was something I needed to change about myself. Something that needed to be gone in order to have better speech. But in reality, it’s who I am. And that’s not wrong!

We live in a world where everything is wrong. We make everything wrong. Everything. We live life from that space and are constantly thinking we need to change it become better than who we actually are, never to accept ourselves for who we really are, the miracle of life that we really are and all we have to bring to the table. Why on earth would I want to spend my life with someone who cannot see and appreciate that? How crazy shitty of a life would that be to never really be fully appreciated for who you are but more for who you can be to someone else? Being something for someone comes in 2 forms. The crutch and the stand. Something I also learned tonight. Although they may overlap in many aspects, they as re worlds apart. A crutch is used as a stand but a crutch is not stable. Can be tossed around, thrown down, used and gotten rid of, and if you let go of a crutch it just falls down. A crutch needs you as much as you need the crutch. A stand on the other hand is solid. It’s always there. You can use it to prop yourself up when needed but it doesn’t need you to stay strong. Doesn’t need you to be there. A stand will always be there, strong, upright whether your there or not. You leave and come and the stand is still standing there strong and regal. Being a stand for someone is good, healthy, for both. Being a crutch is unhealthy for both parties. No one does any good with a crutch. The crutch gets used and discarded when not needed. And when used long enough your limbs wither away till you can no longer stand without it. In a sense, something that appears to be good for rehabilitation in the short term turns into something toxic in the long term. Only to be used again when needed. A very powerful lesson I learned today.

I also learned about being spoiled. Perspective I had not had for a while. When you have lots of something or have always had something so good you’ll never really know how good you have it. And you’ll never know how bad it is without it when all that’s out there is garbage. Always having new cars will never allow one to really know how good a car you have unless you’ve driven a beater to see how great things are in the new car, no matter how much the service costs. It’s the old, you never know how good you have something till its gone. And that’s what I’ve been doing this whole time. I’ve given her the world and she was willing to throw it away to see what’s out there in the world. And how can I make her wrong for that? I got to experience that, and she hasn’t. Now I don’t agree with it. But going back in time, that was me at some point. Although I understood doing something wasn’t good for me I still did it to see what it was like. And only after doing so much stupid shit did I want to not do those things anymore. I would have never wanted to be good if I had never been bad. I’ve always said that guys that lock down early in life end up cheating, they have never gotten their fill of the emptiness of the crap that’s out there to know how good it is to have the love of one good woman. I left a girl I had been seeing for her cause I was there and was at the point where I realized this. The girl I was with was too wild. Something fun for the short term but not for anything meaningful. This one was better cause she was willing to lock down and all her love to one good man. This ended last time, cause I thought it was me. It was me who didn’t give her all this. So I said if I ever get the chance to I’d do it right this time. And I did. She says I’m the perfect person to be in a relationship with. The perfect husband. I could have done nothing better and nothing different. But that’s not what she realizes she wants. So that’s it. I left the one that I thought was fleeting for a sure bet only to realize that there is no such thing as a sure bet in life. EVER!! And just when you think you know the rules of life, life goes and changes the game. It’s never about the destination and always about the journey. Always. She is a great person. But just not the great person that is for me. Not the one that will let me ramble on and on and actually appreciate what I’m rambling about. That will never be a thing. This leads me to conclude that she was in fact my crutch. I have this wild dream of retirement at 40 and she was my safety net. Even if I don’t make it on my own, I’ll make it because of her.

And that leads me to the big realization. That my biggest fear in life is the fear of being alone. Even more than being broke. Cause even if I’m broke and with someone I’m good. I can be scared but if I’m with someone I’m good. Always filling my time with stuff to do and people to talk to cause I just don’t wanna be alone. Some fear death, I fear being alone. And it’s something I need to come to grips with. It’s my demon. It’s like being lone is wrong and something that needs to be fixed. That’s a whole other thing though cause I tend to make a lot of things and people wrong. She is wrong for breaking up with me. When in reality she just did what she thought was right. Right or wrong it’s what happened. The story I make up is what’s wrong. I am not whole and complete if I’m not with someone. Something must be wrong with me if I’m alone. And I make that wrong too lol. I have not put in the work that it takes to get over that. I have not had my moment of shedding that baggage.

I’m grateful though, I really am. Even in my hurt I’m still grateful. God is self and self is love. Only the brain and its patterns make us do the crazy things we do. Why love a person unconditionally when they will not give you the same love back? Cause self doesn’t require anything. It has everything. It gives love freely without asking for anything in return. It doesn’t require thanks. Or anything. Nothing. Only the brain, the ego, all the machinery. That’s what needs it. Needs something in return. When the act of giving love is all self needs. Nothing given back. Love is always a stand for someone. The only thing is, will someone be occupying that stand when you need it?

We’re a stubborn species. We are who we are because we always need to find another way. We want to find out for ourselves and no one can tell us anything about how it is. I genuinely believe now that we are destined to waste time. The whole, oh had I known this I wouldn’t have wasted so much time. That not even a thing. That time MUST BE WASTED!! Life will never turn out if we don’t. We would not be here on this earth if we didn’t. We push the limits constantly, we test the boundaries. It’s human nature. It’s the human condition. I mean where would we be without it?! I dunno. Not here.

Yeah I dunno what to say right?! Lol. I have a lot to say. And I do this out loud. I think out loud. As good as she is a person it really was the right relationship for the wrong reasons. And I felt it too I just didn’t act on it. Why? I’d rather be in the wrong relationship as long as it’s a sure thing than go out and find the right thing. At some point I got scared. At some point I realized that maybe I can’t have everything I want. That chasing a fairytale is for Disney. The unicorn doesn’t exist. Oh and neither does Santa Claus. And it’s a sad reality to come to grips with. No matter what we have grown up with, we will always have good and bad. Bad needs to exist for good to. I loved her with all her crazy. All of it. Even if she woke up a 4, turned into a 9, and went to sleep a 5. It was all good. Total acceptance. I think that’s love. At least it’s the closest I ever been. I might not know what love is but I do know what it’s not. And what it’s not is what we think it is. Life is an illusion. Smoke and mirrors and then it’s the show is over. You can’t have it all. You can’t bet on all the numbers on the roulette wheel. Well you can but you’ll never get ahead. You have to take chances even knowing the outcome can be grave. It’s what life is. Just a big game of chance. You’ll never know till after. Everything is revealed in the end. But you can’t ever have a second chance. Cause even if you do get it, you’ll still do the same thing!! Every single time! It’s never about whether you win or lose but that your playing the game. The best you have to hope for is you make it out of this life with one person who you can trust with your life. Someone that will never stab you in the back. Love you unconditionally no matter what kinda crazy your in that day or week or year! A wise man once told me that if you make it out of this life with one true friend then your a lucky man. And I really get that now. I didn’t then cause I had like 10000 “friends” but I get it now. A hard lesson to be learned. So many lessons along the way of life. Hopefully they are not learned when it’s too late.

I am not defined or characterized by the person that I am with. I am my own man. I should have taken that lesson from my father a long time ago, but obviously I have not. And its about damn time I did. I have always identified by the people I am around, my friends, my family, but most importantly, by the person I am dating. They also had to be attractive, because only cool guys date attractive women. They had to be fit, well because only losers date fat girls. And the list goes on and on and on. Stemming really from humans ultimate fear of looking good and avoiding looking bad. I would always fuck a fat girl, ugly girl, or any other kind of girl, but I never wanted to be out in public with them. So any time I was dating a girl, or having any serious relationship with any girl at all, it was always a must that they fit into some category, as it would define the person I am. Not I’ve skipped the last few weeks, as they have been instrumental in getting me to this point right now, but as time unfolds, you will be able to piece together what transpired throughout those few weeks. Christie and I are back in negotiations into our relationship. We are not at a point where neither of us are seeing, fucking, sucking, licking, or even entertaining anyone else. We are both pretty adamant about making sure anyone that wants to have anything to do with us, that we are unavailable at this moment, and possibly for the rest of time. So what happened you ask? Well that’s a long long story of defeat and triumph. The Phoenix that rose from the ashes to reclaim all that was his, but in a better, stronger, more powerful version. After all, the phoenix can never become unless everything is burnt to a crisp, and it was. So where are we at now? Well that’s the interesting thing, and the reason for this particular post. During our breakup, we saw other people. I fucked some, she sucked some (and licked a few assholes as well), which obviously didn’t matter at the time as my focus was on attracting her back to me. Well that’s happened. And now? Well not its become an issue. Not a logical or rational one, something I have to mention. Yes, I know what your thinking…. im being ungrateful, and I am. Really I’m just being an immature child, and not the mature grown man that I’m supposed to be at this point in my life. And I see that clearly. Shit you can tell by how I look to know this. I have attachment issues. If not people, its to thoughts and ideas, even mental images. I get attached. And ever since a couple weeks ago I became attached to the thoughts of her being with other guys during the breakup. Facts are, we broke up. On her end there was no intention of ever getting back together, so she moved on and started dating others, and with dating comes sexual acts of course. So then why be hung up? Well because I was clearly not moved on, and still emotionally attached, as you’ll see in the future as the story is revealed. Which brings me to this… If I am my own man, confident in my ways and who I am and what I want, then all there is to know is that I lost someone, manned the fuck up, and got them back. I got what I wanted, exactly how I wanted it, even better than before. Not from her end per say, but on mine. She is still the amazing person she is, but I have become a better man for it. 3 months of agony transformed me and gave me the tools I needed to become a better person for myself, and everyoned around me. More apt to be in an actual relationship, bringing a whole person as opposed to half a person who’s looking to be completed. But as long as I keep holding onto things she did during the break up, its a clear indication that I have more work to do, as a whole person is not bothered by reality or how things are, or could or should have been. A whole person is complete no matter what the other person is or was. This does not reflect on a whole person in any way shape or form. Especially since I’m also a person that has collapsed morality in with so many other things including sex and sexual acts. Combine that with 50 thousand years of evolutionary programming and for someone like me its like being sabotaged by my own brain. The very thing that wants to keep me safe and alive is working against my progress and happiness. After all, my brain wants certainty, safety, security. It doesn’t give a fuck about happiness, joy, fulfillment, love, or any of those things. It wants me to stay alive, and that’s it! Essentially my brain is a future predicting machine that’s taking past experiences and charging them with the emotion experienced in those moments to ward of anything in the future that looks or feels anything like those past experiences. Those being negative of course. Anything that spells uncertainty has to be eliminated and it will employ everything last weapon in its arsenal to make sure it happens. So what do I do? Well, anytime one wants to succeed, they must rise above the level of what we deem as ourselves. In reality, its our limbic system in charge and making sure we do what we must to live. Combine that with our super advanced cortex and it spells anything but possibility. One really can achieve self mastery, but that takes a lot of discipline and a lot of practice. At what you ask? Not listening to our brain! Not taking our own advice! Well the one that involves anything but fact that is. Emotions cloud judgement because they are formed in the heat of the moment by a situation that’s already happened in the past. So when something on paper looks great, but your still hungup on something that doesn’t even seem like it should hang you up, then that’s a clear sign. Me for example, being hungup on something that happened when I was not in the picture, essentially like meeting someone for the first time all over again, I would be hungup on any past relationships shes had or what shes done in them, as I’m only here for the present and future. Meaning, I’m hungup based on programming. Essentially not difference than being in the matrix. Programming the machine to do whats required for the greater good, And in this case, the greater good is my survival. Except the matrix doenst see that the times have changed and we now live in a civilization and not alone in the woods anymore. When Freud says we have the Id, the Ego, and the Superego, well it might seem science fictiony, but in reality, its like having 3 entities in there all trying to do the same thing but they just cant seem to agree. So the dominant one wins during whatever situation. Its the story of the good wolf and the bad wolf. Whichever one you feed, will always dominate the other. There’s a story in that for another day. Point being, we are conflicted at times by trivial things. But in the end, we are whole and complete and perfect and we never need to anything else outside of ourselves to be the person we want to be, we already have it. So whomever you date does not define who you are. If likes to lick assholes, then it has nothing to do with you in that it defines who you are for being with her. All it means is that she’s going to lick your asshole too! And what a glorious thing that is!! So drop the irrationality of what happened while you were not present at the party, and enjoy! Get your dick sucked dry of every last drop. Have your balls in some pretty girls mouth and feel all the goodness that it has to offer. And for fucks sake man, get your asshole eaten out so good that it makes you wanna cum like the water fountains at the the Bellagio!!! Life isn’t so serious, so enjoy it and don’t make it mean anything. At the end of the day, life is really empty and meaningless, so live as such!

The one thing I’ve realized in life is if there’s something you want to keep then you have to feed it. Whether it’s a habit or a pet. They say there’s a good wolf and a bad wolf inside of each of us. The one you feed the most will always win over the other. But what they leave out is that you can never starve the other wolf to death. It has just as much of a selves preservation mechanism as we do. It will eventually fight back to eat, and when you put it in a situation where its life or death then it will do whatever it has to do to survive. So I think the key might be, feed the one you want to win enough to be dominant and strong but always keep the other one fed just enough to not die or even feel like it might die to starvation. You want it weakened by lack of nutrition but provided for enough as to night rise up against you. This being said to illustrate the point that in humans there’s certain traits we have that we want or are needed. We all have the bad wolf. We all need to do bad things to keep the bad wolf alive. In moderation of course. But gorge the good wolf. But the key here is to keep things from swaying too much. Linear. Uniform. Nothing drastic. It needs to be dolled out along the same timeline in the same amount. Like sleep. Too much change and the body goes nuts. It loves predictability and stability. Wants the to go to bed at the same time and wake up at the same time. That’s when it produces the most and treats you the best. So if I want a girl that likes to do bad things and I enjoy that, then if I’m not there I need her to stick to it or else a wild swing happens. Starved and that trait might be lost. If I have a girl who enjoys eating out asshole to please me, we break up, then during the breakup she would have to eat out a few assholes. If I ever an in getting back together with her and that trait has changed then it could be lost forever. It’s a simple matter of co consistency to maintain a favourable trait. No more no less. If I enjoy the bad wolf in my company, then when I’m not there anymore that wolf still has to get fed. If it doesn’t and it dies off, then if/when I return, that wolf will no longer be there for me to enjoy playing with. Example. I dated a girl who didn’t like it in the ass. I worked my way to getting her to do it. It was enjoyable. She got used to it. Now we stopped. We broke up. Now I ask her if she will do it again and the answer is the same as it was at the beginning. Hells no!! Why?? That wolf died. Unfortunate for anyone else or myself if I ever want to get back with her. Had that wolf got fed once In a while then that option wools always be on the table. Might be weak, but alive to play with once in a while when I get home. And now rip. I believe fanatics let only one wolf exist in their life. They have no perspective. They have no one else to play with other than just the one wolf. And that equals danger. The key is balance. But the key in this case to live a happy life is feed the good wolf amounts of food enough to keep it strong and healthy, stronger than the bad, even if there was 10 bad wolves, weak and feeble, VS one super wolf….the good super wold would tear the other ones to shreds if need be. I believe we have many good and bad wolves. Well I do at this moment and that’s subject to change in time. The ultimate of the wolves being self, the good snow white wolf and IT, the black as night bad wolf. Thoughts, ego, neuronal patterns, emotions all feed the bad wolf. Self, the good wolf feeds on peace, elevation, maturity, forgiveness, compassion, enlightenment, silence, responsibility, integrity. And a few others of course. Those feed the good wolf. Self. That’s connected to God and the universe. But humans aren’t God’s. And as such we are all created with bad wolves. But “bad” is relative. Sucking dick and eating assholes might be bad to some but if it’s something I need or enjoy in my life then I need that to stay at a steady state. Or else I won’t be able to enjoy it. Not having a girl suck dick or eat an asshole in months is gonna be drastic. Then things get weird. She will start to bring morality into it. Question if it’s right or wrong. Question her self and her motives. And all those lead to instability and eventually that wolf gets so weak that it risks dying, or even dies. And then what?! No longer to be had. Another example. I dare a girl for a while. She likes sucking dick and eating assholes. We break up. Now down the road I want to be back with her. So in the mean time during the breakup, for me to expect she’s not gonna go that is a terrible thing for me. Cause when I do want to be back with her, I want that bad wolf. I want her to eat my ass and suck my dick and let me do shit to her like a bad girl she is. Hell I wanna straight up shit on her and wash it off with my golden piss. So it’s safe to say I want her to keep it up while I’m gone so when I return I can enjoy that time getting my dick sucked and ass eaten. No morality. No right or wrong. The only thing I ask for is Obviously don’t catch any diseases. Dont be disrespected. Don’t do something you don’t wanna do. Don’t get hurt. Now in my case, don’t let anyone shit or piss on you, that’s reserved for me. And don’t let anyone fuck you in the ass cause that’s reserved for me too. In my case she’s also a pussy virgin so Obv don’t let anyone fuck your pussy but that goes without saying. In life we need to battle our programming. Our limbic system. 50 thousand years of programming. Not easy to do. I read a great article on waitbutwhy and it goes something like this…..
Gaining control over your limbic system is both the definition of maturity and the core human struggle. Your limbic system doesn’t get that you live in a civilization, and if you let it run your life too much, it’ll quickly ruin your life!!
Self lives outside any ordained place in the brain. It’s not finite. It’s not tangible. The mind is. And it’s job is to keep you alive… 50 thousand years ago! It’s like running an old roadster big block today. It will do the job, but in a very crude and sloppy way. It will eventually smash you into a wall without airbags. And it shows up in the form of pettiness, insecurity, jealousy, bitterness, immaturity, and being just plain small. The inability to turn the page on things in life. Being stuck. Shempa as Buddhist call it. The hooking effect. In reality it’s all neuronal memory patterns, synapses that have accumulated throughout life to keep us safe and way from danger. And in this civilization we live in they no longer serve us. We have the ability to reform them into whatever we want. Powerfully. Alter your perception of life by remapping your brain! It takes time and it might seem like no progress is being made, until it is! And you’ll realize it when you look back on it to see what you did before and how rediculous and funny that was, “wow I can’t believe I used to do that, or I went through that crazy!” It’s really true the old saying, fake it toll you make it! Your brain doesn’t actually know the difference, only you do! Only self does! And it’s a wonderful thing!

The sauga of Christie as my GF is officially over. Well in my heart. Do I love her? Of course. Do I want to be with her? Of course. But we all knew it had to end at some point. And that point was today. Today has been quite a day to say the least. Started off with me going nuts in my head. Unable to get her out. Had some really good talks on the phone. Had some good talks in person. Talked to Christie 3 times on the phone. The last of which I told her everything else I had inside. I even wrote a thing to tell her. Then at the end she spelled it out in no uncertain terms. She lost the obsession with me. Which later on in the phone call preceeding it with my seminar manager, she spelled it out that what I have for her now and what she had for me then wasn’t love but attachment. Something the Buddhist is the one thing we need to let go of. She does love me. We even ended the call like that. I love you bye. But not in an obsession attachment kind of way. Like fam love kind of way. And I want settled. Till I got the call from my seminar leader. And she explained it all. I felt better after. Kinda sad tho. On paper we make the best couple. Allstars. And she even knows that the feeling at the beginning fades. And only true love remains. But the sad part is her chemicals are raging strong and she thinks that that’s love. That’s what she needs. She needs the attachment. And that’s so sad. We make the perfect couple on paper. Have the same ideas about life and where we want to be. And loves me to death. But needs the attachment. And that is never permanent. The only thing that leads to is sadness and misery. And my heart hurts cause of it. For her. But she has to find her way in life like I must. I offered her the world. Unconditional love and devotion. Affection. Intimacy. And time. All of it. The kind of love that will outlast the ages. And instead, she wants attachment. They say that the beginning feelings you get to a person is feuled by chemicals. And what settles out of that is true love. They say that if you can picture yourself with a person 50 years down the road then you know you found it. Maybe I found it. Maybe I didn’t. At the beginning she was attached and I wasn’t. I had real love for her. Then the tables turned and she broke her attachment and I started mine. The love is there. But now the attachment on both our parts is over. And I made sure of that today. After that I had a long talk with jillian about business. We’re gonna give it a go to create the empire we want. And it’s gonna revolve around her knowhow and my vision. It’s gonna be one helluva empire! No name yet but you’ll hear about it soon enough. It’s gonna be huge! So right in time, a lovely lady friend msgs me at the end of the day and wants to come by. She does. And shit went fucking ddoowwnnnn!!! And with one stroke it was over. Erased. Attachment broken. I’ve resisted this for months now since the breakup date cause I always had hope it would reignite. But obv by the talk we had today that doesn’t look like a possibility. And I’m not sure if it’s even the right thing that was meant to be. I wanted out of it so long ago. Months. But could never do it. Saying if I could have her as a friend it would be amazing. I got it. Then didn’t want it and wanted back into the fold. Well now I forcibly got what I wanted. And that’s the way it has to be. And I’m OK with that. Right now at least lol. Who knows about tomorrow lol. Tomorrow is another day. The key to living fully is to be in the moment. Living by choosing to be there moment by moment. Choosing each moment as it is and nothing more. There really is nothing in life other than this moment that we have right now. One more might not be granted. And anything other than dully choosing to be in each moment in all its greatness and sadness is a waste of life. If you don’t choose to be where you are right now, then you’ll never be. Ever. With that said a new beginning is created. Once we choose the moment we are in then we can be complete with it. And once we are complete with it then we can create the space to create anything we want. Anything. We can be anyone or anything we want. But as long as we hold on to the past of the future then we can never ever be anywhere. Cause we’re not there. Not present. It’s good to have goals dreams. But the moment is really all we have. Why do you think so many people are never satisfied by by the carrot they are chasing? It’s cause they never get it! You will never ever ever get that carrot. And the moment you think you got it then you really must stop and think about it. That carrot doesn’t even exist. It’s not real. Only the moment you have exists. The carrot is the final destination. And in life there really is only one final destination. And that’s death. So if you think you got the carrot then you really have no idea what that carrot is. There’s only the road. There’s never the destination. Only the road exists. That’s the road of happiness. To truly be free you must embrace the road and the journey. Be in the discovery. Not in the know. As there is nothing to know. Nothing figure out. It’s a mystery. The moment has to happen and then the choice has to be made, not the other way around. There is no answer, be in the exploration. Stop trying to figure it all out! And listen. People talk but we don’t even listen to what they’re saying. We always give them what we think we want from them and not what they as asking for. Even when you think you have it figured out, you don’t! There’s nothing to figure out! Choose the confusion, being the jerk that has to figure it all out. Choose to be exactly where you are right now at this very moment and nowhere else. In the pain, in the grief, in the sorrow, in the happens, in the joy, in the madness, in the chaos. Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. No story. Just fact. The fact is I’m sitting outside in my zero chair on a cool August night listening to the sounds of nature weaving this tale for you to read. And I’m choosing to be here right now. No where else. This is my choice. I choose this. And I’m free.

Wow, I was ready to give it all up. All of it. Hand it over. Hand my life over to her. And she still didn’t take it. How crazy is that? I’m not saying I still won’t if the time comes, she’s my drug. The feelings she made me feel are so addictive. It’s crazy. It’s the fight maybe. I don’t know but I don’t wanna make a story out of it. Like wtf I don’t even like flavored non-dairy creamer!! I notice this about myself. I don’t have an identity. I take on whatever identity of the person I date. So why did I act like that? Cause she acted like that. I’m a mimicker. I met her. She has hi goals and dreams. I figured I’d ride it out. I’ll take hers on and move on. Perfect right? Well she was still hung up. No wonder I didn’t have any self expression. Not her fault. Mine of course. But not even a fault. Jusg the way it is. How could be intimate with this girl and give her the connection she wants if I don’t even know who I am anymore. Lost. I felt so alone. She was the sum of a lot of things I liked. But something was still missing. How can I love her if neither her or I love ourselves? Not possible. Laura, Chelsey, Jaylene, Becky, Jillian, Carla. In no particular order. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. In my moments, I leaned on you and you gave me all the love and support I needed. But not just that. You gave me insight and wisdom to correct my course of action. In time, I will be good with this. Growth. It’s what I’ve always wanted. And I can’t get that there. Maybe in time. But not now. Maybe things will turn around. Maybe they will keep moving forward. I can’t tell. But I can’t tell the future. Well not always. I have no control over the past or future. Only thing I can control is my feelings in the moment. My behavior. My actions. In the moment. That’s it. My context. That’s it. Re-context the situation and it looks way different. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Be careful what you wish for. 2 lines I think of when thinking about us. She wants the green grass on the other side. And I wished for this for so long. And now we’re both there. Maybe forever miserable lol. But I have faith. Faith in action. Put in the work and you have no choice but to receive the rewards of it. That’s it. Can’t meditate one day and expect things to change. Only after a week of it does one feel the change. Over the last couple weeks, ever since the beginning of mercury retrograde, I’ve been down and out. So it’s led me to have many mmaannyyyy conversations with the aforementioned individuals. They have held me up and smacked me around. All for me. I must be the most blessed man on the face of the planet. And yes I do owe it to God. I know God is a taboo subject now but without Him in this life I would have been so fucked up and so fucking far astray. Why I loved being with her is a whole other post. Action, adventure, companionship, partnership, beauty, intelligence, growth, dreams coming true, wealth, early retirement…. And the list goes on and on. And yes, all those were for me. Not her. So what’s missing? LOVE!!! Saying you love a person doesn’t mean shit. If you don’t show it, there’s no action. If there’s no action, no amount of words in the world will make a difference. I see that. I see that now. Maybe too late to salvage. But not too late to salvage myself. It’s said that one needs to precipitate a crisis in order to achieve true growth. True lasting growth. And this is my crisis. I haven’t had a crisis in a while. I didn’t even know what a crisis feels like anymore. And now I do. Very well actually. And this is my growth period. I have a love/hate relationship with growth. I love the feeling after but I hate the growing pains. It’s like the burn at the gym when real growth is about to happen. It’s a terrible feeling in the moment but the feeling after is exhilarating! Can’t approach the problem from the same state of mind as the solution. Or visa versa. It just won’t work. But that’s way easier said than done. This whole time I’ve been focusing on the problem. What I did. What happened. And it needed to happen. I need to wallow in it. Only way to do it. Eventually solution time has to come.

We were so perfect for each other…. What the hell happened! Was it all an illusion? Now I think back on it, I’ve never met anyone that I could talk to so easily as I did with you at the beginning. And then a couple months into it I found myself not able to talk to you at all, bottling everything up for some reason. Why? Why did we fight so much? Why did we let the best thing to ever happen to us get so messy? I don’t get it. What went wrong?

I can’t even remember anymore. I know at the beginning I was so crazy in love. I would talk to you for 3 to 4 hours after work in the car on the phone, I don’t even know what we talked about! I can’t even imagine us talking for that long anymore. I wonder if you actually really wanted to talk to me again all then or was just enduring it. Cause that’s how it seems have been for a while now. Just enduring. A couple months into it and you would just endure me talking, but not for more than 3min or you lost interest. What happened? How did it go from 3 hours to 3 min?

I feel like I have so many questions. So many. And yet no answers to any of them. What went wrong? How did did the slop begin? The slide down to whatever we are now. We don’t even say good morning or goodnight to each other anymore. You were the first person I wanted to talk to and the last. And then…. Idunno. I question all this to know if it was me that did all this or if it was you. Or both. Was it not meant to be? Was it all a delusion? Were we just not right for each other and yet we pushed through? Or was it perfect and we just wrecked it? Our dreams were aligned. Our futures aligned. I really did want to marry you. In time I would have even wanted kids maybe. I was willing to compromise so much of what I has thought I wanted to have you, to keep you. And yet I felt like I was losing myself in the process for some reason. At first I felt so free and then I felt so trapped. I felt so alone at times for some reason like you just didn’t understand me. I always felt like your heart want really in it. But I loved how much you loved me. I lived the obsession you had with me. It fueled me. Made me feel amazing. Made me feel whole. Wanted. Needed. It was an amazing feeling. And now I feel empty. Alone. I wish I could have back what we had agreed that start. But then I think, was it even real? Was it just how it is at the beginning. We went from talking so much about everything to the only thing we did was fight. At some point we just stopped talked and started fighting. I don’t even remember what we fought about. It seems so trivial now. Why did we even fight? What was the point of all the fighting? Why did we disagree on so much?

In 3 years you’ll be a totally different person than you are now and maybe I had a feeling that that person you’ll be will be a different person, someone who’s more understanding of who I am, of who we are. You’ll see things differently and react to things differently. I always felt like you compared me to all the others. Got punished for all the mistakes all the others have made. I didn’t like that or feel like it was fair. I felt so much resentment for what others have done. I didn’t know how to relieve you of all that. Tried so hard. I wanted us to work so bad. I was so set, so adamant that we were the one! The fairytale relationship that all others envied. Maybe it was all for show. I don’t even know if I was happy. I know I was at the start. But then it just dwindled into so many other feelings. Then got in the way. So many other things got in the way of us. It’s like the entire universe was trying to stop us for some reason. Why? Why was it just not a bit easier? Smoother. I wonder what would have happened had we not done Belize. Or at least not done it for so long. Was it just an illusion? Was the fantasy of it more than reality? There was so many expectations. So many rules. So much had to be perfect for us to keep going that anything less than would be unacceptable. You hated me giving any attention to anyone else and now I barely give you any attention at all and that seems OK. I don’t get it. I feel like I wanted out for a while and then once I got out it doesn’t feel right. Not at all. It just doesn’t feel right that we’re not together. Planning our future. Planning our life together. Forever. Dying in each other’s arms when we’re old. The epic life we thought we be just isn’t anymore. It’s evaporated into nothingness. You used to love my corny ways of making you laugh. My silliness. And now you just face palm and write back…. Oh God lol….. Same your head. Disapproval. I do recall that feeling. Being less than. I felt so much more than. You mad when feel like a king. And then you made me feel like a popper. The child in me kept letting you down. Felt small. It’s weird that works. One person can you feel like a giant and then make you feel so small. I’ve always wanted your approval I think. The ones I love I always needed their approval for some reason. I always wanted to make you happy and could never. Or at least that’s what it seemed like. You were happy being in a relationship but not happy with me. I always felt like a placeholder. And now it’s all come true. It’s all been realized. You’ll go through some stuff now and then I time you’ll find the one you need to be with. And in time all this will subside. The letters will stop. The feeling will die down. I’ll think back in our find moments and laugh about our fights. But we will not be anymore. I’ll wonder if I could have done anything different. If there was something I should have done to keep you. I’ll realize the mistakes I made and wished I could have done things differently. If I had just stuck around long enough, I’d say. If I comprised a little more. I’ll blame myself. Like I always do. I’ll run my rackets and weave my stories. And in the end I’ll be as I am.

You know what I loved the most about you? All the attention you’d give me. You loved me in all my ways. In all my insecurities. In all my bullshit. I didn’t give you all that you needed in this life. I wish I could have. I held back so much. I felt scared. Scared to be hurt. Scared to be loved. Scared of committing fully only to be rejected. I’m a big baby that just wants to be loved unconditionally. Without judgment. You tried to make me better. And I begrudgingly went along. Only to find a better me on the other side. But even that me still has his baggage. Still refused to adapt to the changes. To go along with things. To move on to a new better life. An adult life. One of having a family. Being a father. Being a husband. Just scared of the finalness of it all. Maybe I didn’t love you enough. Maybe I loved you too much. I can’t really be sure. Maybe I didn’t love you at all. I don’t know. Maybe I just couldn’t get over myself to see the amazingness of the future. Maybe I’m just scared. So many maybes in my life. I’ve been hurt too many times in the past. Left too many times. Abandoned too many times. Yet I thought I was all the way in. I did all I could. But I don’t know if I ever gave my heart fully. Fully embraced all that we were. I was scared. Scared that maybe your not the right one. Maybe that I’d be giving up too much. Scared of losing myself in the process. I know me, and I didn’t know this new person. Maybe I was just not over the past. Not over that I can have another that could potentially give me all I needed. I found flaws. Those flaws eventually led to me feeling alone, even when we were together. Right now I’m not sure what to do. I feel in limbo. Not ready to move on. Not able to go back. I feel so stuck. I’ve had so much to tell you and could never get the courage to say the words for fear of losing you. So much invested. So much time, so many emotions. So much of my life has been spent with you it seems that I don’t know how to move on. In reality I wanted this more than you did. I steered things this way. And I got it. I got what I wished for. Us as friends. And yet I feel so resentful at myself. At you. At the way things turned out. I’ve lost the attention you lavished on me that I loved so much. Did I really love you or myself? I’m not sure. Was I really in love with you or what you had to offer me. I’m not sure. I’m sitting in a place now of uncertainty. Something I had with you. I would have married you. I would have had children with you even tho I said I wouldn’t. But I would not have known if I was truly in love with you. I need our breakup more than you did. I needed to know what’s in my heart. With you I felt alone but I felt so loved. So loved that I was in the leave of security. I’ve never known love like the love you gave me. And now it feels like it’s all gone. Evaporated into nothing. The last year has been one helluva ride. We had amazing moments. We had sorrows. We had fights. We had it all. But now, things have changed. I know that in my heart I need to move on. That it can never be what it was. If we do ever decide to get back together in know I’ll never have you fully. I’ll always be scared of it ending. We have broken up twice already and I don’t know if my heart can handle a third. Remember how I used to say the woman I marry will have to take a blood oath. Blood in blood out. It’s for a reason. Yes I tested you. And you aced it every time. But I might have broken things by going too far. Overboard. And now I feel like I’m the one that failed. I’ve masterminded my own fate. My own demise. The fear of being alone that haunts me has be realized by my own hand. I’ve made this happen. And it can never be undone. My heart feels like it’s been shattered but not by you, but by me. Time and time again I’ve made it happen. And I did it again with you. Now we’re different people. I’m scared to love you for fear of abandonment. Something that you’ve showed me you can do. The attention you lavished me with is gone and it can never be restored. I feel like there will always be this hanging over my head. I’m so confused and so lost. And what’s worse I can never tell you these words. So I write them for the world to see. And yet the only one I want to read them cannot. The sad reality of my life. I need more Landmark to help me through these moments of my life. Will I ever love again. Will I trust again. I’ve been through this a few times and logic states that I will be. But in moments of dispare it seems like it’ll never happen. Things have always worked out for the best in my life. Meeting you was most definitely highlight of it. You’ve made me better, yet worse. Stronger, yet weaker. More alive and yet so dead. It’s the things stories are made of. Fairytales turned tragic. Romeo and Juliette style star crossed lovers never meant to be. And yet in it all I have so much blame. So much I’d wished for. If inky you jumped in with me every time you wouldn’t have ever regretted it. But you held back. Unsure if I was the one. If I can be with you on your journey. I felt so alone and in the cold. So on the outside of the relationship looking in at everything. Trying so hard to get in only to have the door shut on my face. I tried all the tools I had and no luck. I was unable break through the ice exterior to enter to the warm love of your heart. I tried my hardest. Failed over and over. I know that you have a ways to go before you are able to be “sweet”, if it will ever happen at all. But I’ve seen that sweetness and it’s guarded for a reason. It’s the stuff real Fairytales are made of and I wanted it. I wanted it all to myself and was so frustrated I couldn’t get it. I’m sad we broke up but at the time relieved that you get to discover your own self. I feel like I had a diamond in the rough that others didn’t know how handle. My gem. And now I feel like after all this self discovery you’ll be able to allow that lucky someone in. And it will not be me. Thwarted. Yet I also know that you’ll never meet anyone like me. And that makes me sad. Cause no one will ever be able to love you in your darkest moments. I stuck with you when you were at your worst in hopes that I’ll win you when your at your best. But my story tells me that I was just a passerby. Someone to come in your life and inspire the transformation that was much needed. The one who labour in the garden only for others to eat the fruit. And I should be happy. But I’m not. I’m still so self absorbed that I feel like it should be me eating the fruit and not those who got it so easily. Yet this is a great lesson in life. We work hard only for others to reap what we sow. Maybe that’s why I avoided children. They are the exact definition of that. We put in so much effort only for them to get easily the things we worked so hard for. And even though they may appreciate it, it still doesn’t cut it. This period in my life will be a touched by ‘sadness’ and this orb of core memory will turn blue. And one it’s blue it can never be undone. You tried so hard and I resisted so much, only to hurt msywlf in the end. I realize that now. And if I had a time machine I’d totally go back and do this again. I was asked today my a great man if only had 6 months to live, what would I do? Move on and be with someone else, or try to get back what I had. Faced with those options I chose…. “I don’t know’. He reveled to me his own story that he was running a racket in his mind saying…. Just decide already!!!! But after realizing his own rackets he later said that it’s such a brave thing to do, to hold a space in my heart for another human. And that I should be OK with that and not resent myself for it. Brave. He called me brave. And said that it’s OK to be where I am. And to just be with it. Embrace it. Realize the braveness of it. The courage to do something for another when they might need it the most. It made me feel really good. He remarked as to why people love to be around me. How it makes them feel good. My father always said that when God loves you He makes you the kind of person everyone loves to be around. I guess God must love me. He’s shows me he has time and time again. I’m just not sure if I love myself. PS. I never felt like you ever really cared for me and that you always cared more for yourself. And that just never sat right with me. That all the love and attention you gave to me were more about you than about me. And that story of mine has led us to this point in our lives. So much blame. So many stories. So many rackets.