Archive for the ‘Random Rants’ Category

I am not defined or characterized by the person that I am with. I am my own man. I should have taken that lesson from my father a long time ago, but obviously I have not. And its about damn time I did. I have always identified by the people I am around, my friends, my family, but most importantly, by the person I am dating. They also had to be attractive, because only cool guys date attractive women. They had to be fit, well because only losers date fat girls. And the list goes on and on and on. Stemming really from humans ultimate fear of looking good and avoiding looking bad. I would always fuck a fat girl, ugly girl, or any other kind of girl, but I never wanted to be out in public with them. So any time I was dating a girl, or having any serious relationship with any girl at all, it was always a must that they fit into some category, as it would define the person I am. Not I’ve skipped the last few weeks, as they have been instrumental in getting me to this point right now, but as time unfolds, you will be able to piece together what transpired throughout those few weeks.

Christie and I are back in negotiations into our relationship. We are not at a point where neither of us are seeing, fucking, sucking, licking, or even entertaining anyone else. We are both pretty adamant about making sure anyone that wants to have anything to do with us, that we are unavailable at this moment, and possibly for the rest of time. So what happened you ask? Well that’s a long long story of defeat and triumph. The Phoenix that rose from the ashes to reclaim all that was his, but in a better, stronger, more powerful version. After all, the phoenix can never become unless everything is burnt to a crisp, and it was. So where are we at now? Well that’s the interesting thing, and the reason for this particular post.

During our breakup, we saw other people. I fucked some, she sucked some (and licked a few assholes as well), which obviously didn’t matter at the time as my focus was on attracting her back to me. Well that’s happened. And now? Well not its become an issue. Not a logical or rational one, something I have to mention. Yes, I know what your thinking…. im being ungrateful, and I am. Really I’m just being an immature child, and not the mature grown man that I’m supposed to be at this point in my life. And I see that clearly. Shit you can tell by how I look to know this. I have attachment issues. If not people, its to thoughts and ideas, even mental images. I get attached. And ever since a couple weeks ago I became attached to the thoughts of her being with other guys during the breakup. Facts are, we broke up. On her end there was no intention of ever getting back together, so she moved on and started dating others, and with dating comes sexual acts of course. So then why be hung up? Well because I was clearly not moved on, and still emotionally attached, as you’ll see in the future as the story is revealed. Which brings me to this…

If I am my own man, confident in my ways and who I am and what I want, then all there is to know is that I lost someone, manned the fuck up, and got them back. I got what I wanted, exactly how I wanted it, even better than before. Not from her end per say, but on mine. She is still the amazing person she is, but I have become a better man for it. 3 months of agony transformed me and gave me the tools I needed to become a better person for myself, and everyoned around me. More apt to be in an actual relationship, bringing a whole person as opposed to half a person who’s looking to be completed. But as long as I keep holding onto things she did during the break up, its a clear indication that I have more work to do, as a whole person is not bothered by reality or how things are, or could or should have been. A whole person is complete no matter what the other person is or was. This does not reflect on a whole person in any way shape or form. Especially since I’m also a person that has collapsed morality in with so many other things including sex and sexual acts. Combine that with 50 thousand years of evolutionary programming and for someone like me its like being sabotaged by my own brain. The very thing that wants to keep me safe and alive is working against my progress and happiness. After all, my brain wants certainty, safety, security. It doesn’t give a fuck about happiness, joy, fulfillment, love, or any of those things. It wants me to stay alive, and that’s it! Essentially my brain is a future predicting machine that’s taking past experiences and charging them with the emotion experienced in those moments to ward of anything in the future that looks or feels anything like those past experiences. Those being negative of course. Anything that spells uncertainty has to be eliminated and it will employ everything last weapon in its arsenal to make sure it happens. So what do I do?

Well, anytime one wants to succeed, they must rise above the level of what we deem as ourselves. In reality, its our limbic system in charge and making sure we do what we must to live. Combine that with our super advanced cortex and it spells anything but possibility. One really can achieve self mastery, but that takes a lot of discipline and a lot of practice. At what you ask? Not listening to our brain! Not taking our own advice! Well the one that involves anything but fact that is. Emotions cloud judgement because they are formed in the heat of the moment by a situation that’s already happened in the past. So when something on paper looks great, but your still hungup on something that doesn’t even seem like it should hang you up, then that’s a clear sign. Me for example, being hungup on something that happened when I was not in the picture, essentially like meeting someone for the first time all over again, I would be hungup on any past relationships shes had or what shes done in them, as I’m only here for the present and future. Meaning, I’m hungup based on programming. Essentially not difference than being in the matrix. Programming the machine to do whats required for the greater good, And in this case, the greater good is my survival. Except the matrix doenst see that the times have changed and we now live in a civilization and not alone in the woods anymore.

When Freud says we have the Id, the Ego, and the Superego, well it might seem science fictiony, but in reality, its like having 3 entities in there all trying to do the same thing but they just cant seem to agree. So the dominant one wins during whatever situation. Its the story of the good wolf and the bad wolf. Whichever one you feed, will always dominate the other. There’s a story in that for another day. Point being, we are conflicted at times by trivial things. But in the end, we are whole and complete and perfect and we never need to anything else outside of ourselves to be the person we want to be, we already have it. So whomever you date does not define who you are. If likes to lick assholes, then it has nothing to do with you in that it defines who you are for being with her. All it means is that she’s going to lick your asshole too! And what a glorious thing that is!! So drop the irrationality of what happened while you were not present at the party, and enjoy! Get your dick sucked dry of every last drop. Have your balls in some pretty girls mouth and feel all the goodness that it has to offer. And for fucks sake man, get your asshole eaten out so good that it makes you wanna cum like the water fountains at the the Bellagio!!! Life isn’t so serious, so enjoy it and don’t make it mean anything. At the end of the day, life is really empty and meaningless, so live as such!

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The one thing I’ve realized in life is if there’s something you want to keep then you have to feed it. Whether it’s a habit or a pet. They say there’s a good wolf and a bad wolf inside of each of us. The one you feed the most will always win over the other. But what they leave out is that you can never starve the other wolf to death. It has just as much of a selves preservation mechanism as we do. It will eventually fight back to eat, and when you put it in a situation where its life or death then it will do whatever it has to do to survive. So I think the key might be, feed the one you want to win enough to be dominant and strong but always keep the other one fed just enough to not die or even feel like it might die to starvation. You want it weakened by lack of nutrition but provided for enough as to night rise up against you. This being said to illustrate the point that in humans there’s certain traits we have that we want or are needed. We all have the bad wolf. We all need to do bad things to keep the bad wolf alive. In moderation of course. But gorge the good wolf. But the key here is to keep things from swaying too much. Linear. Uniform. Nothing drastic. It needs to be dolled out along the same timeline in the same amount. Like sleep. Too much change and the body goes nuts. It loves predictability and stability. Wants the to go to bed at the same time and wake up at the same time. That’s when it produces the most and treats you the best. So if I want a girl that likes to do bad things and I enjoy that, then if I’m not there I need her to stick to it or else a wild swing happens. Starved and that trait might be lost. If I have a girl who enjoys eating out asshole to please me, we break up, then during the breakup she would have to eat out a few assholes. If I ever an in getting back together with her and that trait has changed then it could be lost forever. It’s a simple matter of co consistency to maintain a favourable trait. No more no less. If I enjoy the bad wolf in my company, then when I’m not there anymore that wolf still has to get fed. If it doesn’t and it dies off, then if/when I return, that wolf will no longer be there for me to enjoy playing with. Example. I dated a girl who didn’t like it in the ass. I worked my way to getting her to do it. It was enjoyable. She got used to it. Now we stopped. We broke up. Now I ask her if she will do it again and the answer is the same as it was at the beginning. Hells no!! Why?? That wolf died. Unfortunate for anyone else or myself if I ever want to get back with her. Had that wolf got fed once In a while then that option wools always be on the table. Might be weak, but alive to play with once in a while when I get home. And now rip. I believe fanatics let only one wolf exist in their life. They have no perspective. They have no one else to play with other than just the one wolf. And that equals danger. The key is balance. But the key in this case to live a happy life is feed the good wolf amounts of food enough to keep it strong and healthy, stronger than the bad, even if there was 10 bad wolves, weak and feeble, VS one super wolf….the good super wold would tear the other ones to shreds if need be. I believe we have many good and bad wolves. Well I do at this moment and that’s subject to change in time. The ultimate of the wolves being self, the good snow white wolf and IT, the black as night bad wolf. Thoughts, ego, neuronal patterns, emotions all feed the bad wolf. Self, the good wolf feeds on peace, elevation, maturity, forgiveness, compassion, enlightenment, silence, responsibility, integrity. And a few others of course. Those feed the good wolf. Self. That’s connected to God and the universe. But humans aren’t God’s. And as such we are all created with bad wolves. But “bad” is relative. Sucking dick and eating assholes might be bad to some but if it’s something I need or enjoy in my life then I need that to stay at a steady state. Or else I won’t be able to enjoy it. Not having a girl suck dick or eat an asshole in months is gonna be drastic. Then things get weird. She will start to bring morality into it. Question if it’s right or wrong. Question her self and her motives. And all those lead to instability and eventually that wolf gets so weak that it risks dying, or even dies. And then what?! No longer to be had. Another example. I dare a girl for a while. She likes sucking dick and eating assholes. We break up. Now down the road I want to be back with her. So in the mean time during the breakup, for me to expect she’s not gonna go that is a terrible thing for me. Cause when I do want to be back with her, I want that bad wolf. I want her to eat my ass and suck my dick and let me do shit to her like a bad girl she is. Hell I wanna straight up shit on her and wash it off with my golden piss. So it’s safe to say I want her to keep it up while I’m gone so when I return I can enjoy that time getting my dick sucked and ass eaten. No morality. No right or wrong. The only thing I ask for is Obviously don’t catch any diseases. Dont be disrespected. Don’t do something you don’t wanna do. Don’t get hurt. Now in my case, don’t let anyone shit or piss on you, that’s reserved for me. And don’t let anyone fuck you in the ass cause that’s reserved for me too. In my case she’s also a pussy virgin so Obv don’t let anyone fuck your pussy but that goes without saying. In life we need to battle our programming. Our limbic system. 50 thousand years of programming. Not easy to do. I read a great article on waitbutwhy and it goes something like this…..
Gaining control over your limbic system is both the definition of maturity and the core human struggle. Your limbic system doesn’t get that you live in a civilization, and if you let it run your life too much, it’ll quickly ruin your life!!
Self lives outside any ordained place in the brain. It’s not finite. It’s not tangible. The mind is. And it’s job is to keep you alive… 50 thousand years ago! It’s like running an old roadster big block today. It will do the job, but in a very crude and sloppy way. It will eventually smash you into a wall without airbags. And it shows up in the form of pettiness, insecurity, jealousy, bitterness, immaturity, and being just plain small. The inability to turn the page on things in life. Being stuck. Shempa as Buddhist call it. The hooking effect. In reality it’s all neuronal memory patterns, synapses that have accumulated throughout life to keep us safe and way from danger. And in this civilization we live in they no longer serve us. We have the ability to reform them into whatever we want. Powerfully. Alter your perception of life by remapping your brain! It takes time and it might seem like no progress is being made, until it is! And you’ll realize it when you look back on it to see what you did before and how rediculous and funny that was, “wow I can’t believe I used to do that, or I went through that crazy!” It’s really true the old saying, fake it toll you make it! Your brain doesn’t actually know the difference, only you do! Only self does! And it’s a wonderful thing!

You know what I loved the most about you? All the attention you’d give me. You loved me in all my ways. In all my insecurities. In all my bullshit. I didn’t give you all that you needed in this life. I wish I could have. I held back so much. I felt scared. Scared to be hurt. Scared to be loved. Scared of committing fully only to be rejected. I’m a big baby that just wants to be loved unconditionally. Without judgment. You tried to make me better. And I begrudgingly went along. Only to find a better me on the other side. But even that me still has his baggage. Still refused to adapt to the changes. To go along with things. To move on to a new better life. An adult life. One of having a family. Being a father. Being a husband. Just scared of the finalness of it all. Maybe I didn’t love you enough. Maybe I loved you too much. I can’t really be sure. Maybe I didn’t love you at all. I don’t know. Maybe I just couldn’t get over myself to see the amazingness of the future. Maybe I’m just scared. So many maybes in my life. I’ve been hurt too many times in the past. Left too many times. Abandoned too many times. Yet I thought I was all the way in. I did all I could. But I don’t know if I ever gave my heart fully. Fully embraced all that we were. I was scared. Scared that maybe your not the right one. Maybe that I’d be giving up too much. Scared of losing myself in the process. I know me, and I didn’t know this new person. Maybe I was just not over the past. Not over that I can have another that could potentially give me all I needed. I found flaws. Those flaws eventually led to me feeling alone, even when we were together. Right now I’m not sure what to do. I feel in limbo. Not ready to move on. Not able to go back. I feel so stuck. I’ve had so much to tell you and could never get the courage to say the words for fear of losing you. So much invested. So much time, so many emotions. So much of my life has been spent with you it seems that I don’t know how to move on. In reality I wanted this more than you did. I steered things this way. And I got it. I got what I wished for. Us as friends. And yet I feel so resentful at myself. At you. At the way things turned out. I’ve lost the attention you lavished on me that I loved so much. Did I really love you or myself? I’m not sure. Was I really in love with you or what you had to offer me. I’m not sure. I’m sitting in a place now of uncertainty. Something I had with you. I would have married you. I would have had children with you even tho I said I wouldn’t. But I would not have known if I was truly in love with you. I need our breakup more than you did. I needed to know what’s in my heart. With you I felt alone but I felt so loved. So loved that I was in the leave of security. I’ve never known love like the love you gave me. And now it feels like it’s all gone. Evaporated into nothing. The last year has been one helluva ride. We had amazing moments. We had sorrows. We had fights. We had it all. But now, things have changed. I know that in my heart I need to move on. That it can never be what it was. If we do ever decide to get back together in know I’ll never have you fully. I’ll always be scared of it ending. We have broken up twice already and I don’t know if my heart can handle a third. Remember how I used to say the woman I marry will have to take a blood oath. Blood in blood out. It’s for a reason. Yes I tested you. And you aced it every time. But I might have broken things by going too far. Overboard. And now I feel like I’m the one that failed. I’ve masterminded my own fate. My own demise. The fear of being alone that haunts me has be realized by my own hand. I’ve made this happen. And it can never be undone. My heart feels like it’s been shattered but not by you, but by me. Time and time again I’ve made it happen. And I did it again with you. Now we’re different people. I’m scared to love you for fear of abandonment. Something that you’ve showed me you can do. The attention you lavished me with is gone and it can never be restored. I feel like there will always be this hanging over my head. I’m so confused and so lost. And what’s worse I can never tell you these words. So I write them for the world to see. And yet the only one I want to read them cannot. The sad reality of my life. I need more Landmark to help me through these moments of my life. Will I ever love again. Will I trust again. I’ve been through this a few times and logic states that I will be. But in moments of dispare it seems like it’ll never happen. Things have always worked out for the best in my life. Meeting you was most definitely highlight of it. You’ve made me better, yet worse. Stronger, yet weaker.  More alive and yet so dead. It’s the things stories are made of. Fairytales turned tragic. Romeo and Juliette style star crossed lovers never meant to be. And yet in it all I have so much blame. So much I’d wished for. If inky you jumped in with me every time you wouldn’t have ever regretted it. But you held back. Unsure if I was the one. If I can be with you on your journey. I felt so alone and in the cold. So on the outside of the relationship looking in at everything. Trying so hard to get in only to have the door shut on my face. I tried all the tools I had and no luck. I was unable break through the ice exterior to enter to the warm love of your heart. I tried my hardest. Failed over and over. I know that you have a ways to go before you are able to be “sweet”, if it will ever happen at all. But I’ve seen that sweetness and it’s guarded for a reason. It’s the stuff real Fairytales are made of and I wanted it. I wanted it all to myself and was so frustrated I couldn’t get it. I’m sad we broke up but at the time relieved that you get to discover your own self. I feel like I had a diamond in the rough that others didn’t know how handle. My gem. And now I feel like after all this self discovery you’ll be able to allow that lucky someone in. And it will not be me. Thwarted. Yet I also know that you’ll never meet anyone like me. And that makes me sad. Cause no one will ever be able to love you in your darkest moments. I stuck with you when you were at your worst in hopes that I’ll win you when your at your best. But my story tells me that I was just a passerby. Someone to come in your life and inspire the transformation that was much needed. The one who labour in the garden only for others to eat the fruit. And I should be happy. But I’m not. I’m still so self absorbed that I feel like it should be me eating the fruit and not those who got it so easily. Yet this is a great lesson in life. We work hard only for others to reap what we sow. Maybe that’s why I avoided children. They are the exact definition of that. We put in so much effort only for them to get easily the things we worked so hard for. And even though they may appreciate it, it still doesn’t cut it. This period in my life will be a touched by ‘sadness’ and this orb of core memory will turn blue. And one it’s blue it can never be undone. You tried so hard and I resisted so much, only to hurt msywlf in the end. I realize that now. And if I had a time machine I’d totally go back and do this again. I was asked today my a great man if only had 6 months to live, what would I do? Move on and be with someone else, or try to get back what I had. Faced with those options I chose…. “I don’t know’. He reveled to me his own story that he was running a racket in his mind saying…. Just decide already!!!! But after realizing his own rackets he later said that it’s such a brave thing to do, to hold a space in my heart for another human. And that I should be OK with that and not resent myself for it. Brave. He called me brave. And said that it’s OK to be where I am. And to just be with it. Embrace it. Realize the braveness of it. The courage to do something for another when they might need it the most. It made me feel really good. He remarked as to why people love to be around me. How it makes them feel good. My father always said that when God loves you He makes you the kind of person everyone loves to be around. I guess God must love me. He’s shows me he has time and time again. I’m just not sure if I love myself.

PS. I never felt like you ever really cared for me and that you always cared more for yourself. And that just never sat right with me. That all the love and attention you gave to me were more about you than about me. And that story of mine has led us to this point in our lives. So much blame. So many stories. So many rackets.

Ramblings

Posted: May 28, 2017 in Random Rants, Trials of Life

Have you ever wished that there was a sound track to life? Well I have, very much so actually. And looking back on life I realize that there kinda is. Those songs that you heard doing certain things or with certain people, maybe during a breakup or an amazing night that ends the next day and the same song comes on a few times and becomes the sound track of the night, then the soundtrack of the month, the season, or even the year. I love that. 2017 soundtrack was A drake track, Feel No Way. I was wondering what the soundtrack track was gonna be for this year and its been discovered, a few days ago in fact. About 4 days ago I heard Drake’s Passionfruit and was thinking, wow that’s a great breakup track. I bet I’ll sing it to Christie sometime for karaoke or something and get a kick out of it from her. Well little did I know 2 days later it would be on repeat cause we actually ended up breaking up. So the track of 2018 is that. Funny cause its like deja vu. Last year I played feel no way on repeat cause of the girl I broke up with because of Christie. Happened around the same time too, just a few weeks earlier in the year. And both breakups were because of her. That’s messed up shit. I feel bad for anyone reading this post or if you signed up to be notified via email when I post something new, because all the last little bit has been is negative down gloomy writings. And now with this huge event in my life, its gonna be one fuck of a sad story. Me venting, pouring my heart out on to these digital pages (and maybe a few tears as well). Real sappy shit, so I apologies in advance and wont be hurt in the least if you unfollow. Its gonna get messy for a bit, after I’m done stewing in my own BS for a bit. Be careful what you wish for in life, cause you just might receive it! And everything you receive you attracted. And yes I know this very well. If I didnt, this is very stern reminder, yet once again!! Thank you life!!

Now I don’t know how you are in being introverted/extroverted, but me, I looovveeee to talk!! Just ask my GF who is the total opposite. She’ll tell ya. She loves the meat! Whell I dont mean it in some nasty sexual way, although….. actually we just wont even go there. I just got schooled by my little brother (from another mother) about the evils of living sinfully. But that’s a topic for a whole other day. So she loves the meat, and me I’m all about the fixins. For me, the story of how the meat ended up on my table is more appetizing then the meat itself. Lure me in with delightful tales of all that it took to make my plate the way that it is. The indian spices that were hand-picked by monkeys in the high mountains; the potatoes that were grown by the great-grandmother of that lady who survived the Titanic disaster, whats her name……Rose! Tell me how the cow im about to eat was raised in the most ethical fashion and how upon buying the farm was as tranquil as a zen buddhist monk being rubbed down by Helga the masseuse! NOW bring the steak out with all the fixins cause my mouth is wwaatteerriinnggg!!! Not some people. Case in point, the GF.

Over the past few days though I’ve been talking and talking and talking ….. and talking. And quite frankly im all talked out. Why am I talking so much? Well it has to do with some business ventures that have dropped into my lap that I just couldnt turn down. They are my in to residual income, and afte you get to know know you’ll know what a huge fan I am of residual income! I could go on and on and on…… But I wont, not yet at least. This blog was never meant to be a plug for anything I do in business, nor do I want to turn it into that, although I’m sure at some point I’ll start blabbering on about what’s going on with that part of my life and how every one should be doing what I’m doing and blah blah blah. It’s more meant to be as an outlet for a man who loves to talk!

I never had this issue expressing what’s inside. I had a tight crew of a few boys that met up in the parks, or as we liked to call to call them “Bat Caves” and talked, among other things that teenage guys do when they meetup in parks. Always made sure to have plenty of Timmies apple cinnamon tea to wet the whistle, and something smokable (cigars/cigarettes/or something like that ;)). And boy did we ever talk! About everything and nothing, just got it all out. Crazy ideas, business plans, schemes, girls, just whatever madness came to mind. It’s not like we had any new stories that happened apart from each other cause we were always together, so looking back on it now I don’t really even know how we talked for so long!! But I can tell you that it was very healthy. I would not be in the same position I am now if it wasn’t for those boys and all the amazing talks that we had. I had no idea the power of self-expression until not too long ago when I started dating someone who was all about the point form. Extra talk like that was “nonsense”, “get to the point” she’d say. And then when I haven’t gotten to the point in less than 3 minutes she just shuts down, eyes glaze over, and she can’t even process anymore. Well needless to say this made for a very unhealthy relationship at the time. Combine someone who loves to talk with someone who hates listening and you’ve some something off a Bill Nye the science guy show. But that’s also another story for another day.

I dunno what this is going to even read like, the only time I ever seem to get any time anymore is at 2am after I’ve been kicking ass all day stuck in beast mode and I’m in bed at the end of the night emptying myself onto these pages for the whole world to see. Sharing. Cuase after all, if I’m not sharing and “enrolling” as many around me as possible then I’m really not doing all I can to transform the world around me and leave a space where all possibility can be created. Yes more Landmark talk. Your going to hear a lot about this! Landmark has made such a huge impact on me. I finally told someone I know about me writing this blog and the first thing they noticed and commented on was, how things changed after a certain date. They were like, “wow things really changed after you did the Advanced Course eh?!”  And its true, they really did. Well the Forum was a life changer for sure but the Advanced Course really put it all together. Not to say that I did all they said I needed-to to get all that I could get from it, but I definitely did enough to get what I got and didn’t get what I didnt get. And I’m ok  with that!

So anyways….. Tomorrow is my day off and I’m gonna take it off and spend the day just not talking to anyone! I think that will be nice. Well I’m visiting the P.Unit right now, so I have no choice but to talk to “someone” until I leave here, and tomorrow I have this thing I need to do with a potential client, BUT, as soon as that’s done then NO MORE TALKING, well at least for the rest of the day. I welcome the peace. But only for a short while.

 


So I’ve never slept inside a mall, but admittedly I’ve always wanted to!! So here I am. Well ok that’s a little deceiving. The truth is I am in fact inside a mall. The other fact that I conveniently left out is that I’m actually in a hotel INSIDE the mall! Super cool right? I dunno. Its very Asian! And it just so happens to be that I’m in Chinatown, so it’s very befitting. I’ve never opened up the window of my hotel room and looked down at the very heart of the city mall, let alone one in Chinatown! I find it fascinating that I can feel a million miles away from home in this place, yet I’m practically right around the corner. I feel so out-of-place, different customs and traditions, different sights and sounds, it’s almost a different world! Yet I’m right in the heart of The6. Amazing!!

So what I am doing sleeping in a hotel room again? Long story really but it has to do with Landmark, yet again. And my lovely GF. So start it off, last night I figured it would be nice to be 100% self expressive and tell her that one of my best friends, a girl, that she doesn’t like a whole lot told me that she’s kinda bummed out that when my GF comes back to live permanently in the city (she’s always out of the country on business) that we will end up not talking anymore. Rational, I mean it’s just the way things go. We get into relationships and somehow we dump all our friends we’ve had for everrr and pretend like we’re oh so busy, way too busy for them to bother to keep the friendship going. Then one day at someone’s wedding of funeral we always lament as to why don’t we ever hang out anymore and proceed to remaness of all the great times we had in the past, but sadly we grew up and got our families and responsibilities and jobs and blah blah blah….. We ended up devoting the largest chunk of our life to the very thing that brings us very little pleasure, happiness, and joy, in leu of the “right thing to do” or what society has prescribed on us what is appropriate behaviour for our age/kind/race/sex, or whatever. AND ITS FKN BULLSHIT!! AND I REFUSE TO BE A SUBSCRIBER TO THE BITCH-ASS WAYS!!! Hey if you want a lifetime membership the by all means, subscribe away! But that’s not gonna be me. I will not live this life unless it’s on my terms. It will always be my choice, even when there’s only one option to choose from! And yes I do get some of this isn’t gonna make sense right now as its 2am and im half asleep. But I declared that I will be writing these blogs every day to the best of my ability, even if I have nothing to say. Cause anyone that knows me know that I ALWAYS have something to say lol. So, thanks for listening.

So I get the hotel room, front the $100 (thanks HotWire!!), get to my room inside the asian mall, get my bag of A&W ready for a pounding, and I make the call to the GF who’s in Belize right now to finalize the day. So what does she ask?? Baabbeeee….. why you staying in a hotel tonight? Why arent you staying with your friend (the girl i mentioned previously)???  ARE YOU FKN KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW??!!?!?!?!? LOLOLOL I burst out laughing. Like, ARE YOU FKN WITH ME RIGHT NOW?!?!? OMFG. Does that make any sense at all? WWHHYY?? Maybe cause I wanted to avoid a total fkn nuclear mealtdown!! Oh yeah, you dont know her obv. Shes a 24 year old, super smart, super attractive, blond haired, bluegreengold eye’d girl that’s worked out for 20 years and done fitness modeling and hostesing at those posh fancy bars with pools n sht where all the fk boys and douche bags like myself love to hangout. Yes I know, she’s just my type. Beautiful and insecure. And attracted to my kind. Regardless, here I am and here we are.

So the second reason, and really the reason I’m even in The6 on a monday is the Landmark seminars that are taking place every to every other monday at 7pm. Life changing really. I said to myself I wouldn’t blabber on about Landmark on here but it’s bound to come up. Landmark is really the reason all this is even taking place. Breakthroughs, breakdown, transformations, reinvention, affirmation, declaration, the list goes on and on and on. I’ve met the most incredible people, have had the most incredible opportunities present themselves to me, like practically drop in my lap for making $$$ as well as some of the most amazing friends I’ve ever had! Really Landmark has transformed my great life into an unremarkable one, simply launched me in the stratosphere of amazingness!!

So anyways, Now im exhausted, and my train of thought has been totally derailed, GF is sending cute BBM emojis that are just too adorable to resist.

Daily Affirmation: Theres an unlimited stream of well-being in the universe, and it flows constantly towards me.

There’s something to be said about drinking a warm delicious cup of tea first thing in the morning. For me there’s nothing like it. Pu’ehr has pretty much become my go to now thanks to @timferris. I’m working my way in to his “Titanium Tea” but that’s still some ways off it seems. Not sure why other than I havent taken action yet. I’m a big fan of just drinking the tea. And what I mean by just drinking the tea, I mean JUST DRINKING THE TEA and nothing else. And by nothing else I mean meditating. something that I’ve been into now off and on for some time. Well ever since I started having massive panic attacks and couldn’t get rid of them.  Thank goodness for good friends who’ve traveled the world. Brendan Lloyd you’re an amazing person, and I have to give it to you for playing a massive role in my life. Even though I’ve been a pretty shitty friend and didn’t even make it to you wedding, I still hold you in super high regard, up there on a pedestal of people of have seriously influenced me and altered the course of my life. As you can tell I’ve taken on a new approach with writing these blogs. They really are just going to be #randomrants from now on I think. No rhyme nor reason to them other than to spill my thoughts out on to the world in the hopes of doing as much damage to the status quo as possible. And yes you’ll hear me go on and on about Landmark, the Forum, the Advanced course, and the seminars. And thats because #landmark has had such a huge impact on my life that its altered the axis on which my world spins. Even though that rotation is ever so slight, its enough to cause the butterfly effect on all aspects of life, mine and those around me. And now you, my beloved reader. You are family now and as such I will tell you I love you from time to time in an effort to convey my appreciated and affection to you, who has taken the time out of your day to take my words and allow them into your life, for whatever its worth. And I thank you for that. 


Vivere Fortis, Nihil Timendum Est

Jan/04/2017

Posted: January 5, 2017 in A-Fib, Heart, Random Rants, Trials of Life
Tags: , ,

0330: woken up for a fight. She lost her ring I gave her for Christmas. She can’t sleep. So why should I right?? She tells me about it. In my sleepy vulnerable state I thought that I could speak freely. Speak my mind. Speak from the heart. I blabbered on, cause that’s just what I do. I felt really good. She wasn’t arguing or saying anything in return. I thought maybe she was asleep! Turns out she wasn’t. She was just holding her tongue. And then she spoke. And then we fought. And fought and fought and fought till about 5am. Why? If I try to show or teach her anything I’ve learned in my life, me being 10 years older, she sees it as me putting her down. And for her, she was t’s to be “equal or above”  so that’s fine. I tried for so long to tell her I don’t see anyone as above or below. We all on the same level ground. But so many have taught me growing up and I wanna give that to her so she had this valuable knowledge that I wish I had been told years earlier. Not for change, but to just have it. Take it. Use it or not, that’s up to you, but let me speak it. It’s the #1 thing I crave. For me it’s self expression. If I can say what I want without having to think and rethink about it for fear of it being the wrong thing to do, then I’m happy. That’s why I feel in love with her in the first place. We spoke for 3-4 hours every single day! She let me talk and talk and talk. I melted. I was in so much love. I flew to Not her country for her cause I loved it so much. And now, I’m being asked to not. Not talk, not teach, not show, not have any self expression for fear that it might piss her off and cause her to resent me cause it might comes off as me putting her down or invalidating her worth or controlling her by “telling her what to do” . So that’s that I guess. I’ll just stuff it inside. Or learn to deal with it some other way with some other person. The complete girl I’ve always wanted and thought she was at the beginning, turns out isn’t her. And in that I realize that my vision of the complete girl is off. She really doesn’t exist in my realm. Not in this life. Why be a single bachelor so far? What’s the point, the one I want doesn’t exist in this life, so why chase her?  It’s like chasing after a sasquatch. To all those that have found the perfect one for them, I say. . . I’m super happy for all you. Your lucky and blessed. For the rest of us, we either settle or live a lonely life. Going from relationship to relationship, cold hearted. Waiting for the day when the director yells CCUUUTTTT! And then it’s a wrap. Enjoyed or not, it all had to end eventually.
0700: 1x exhilarin

0730: 2x probiotic

0735: tulsi chai tea

1130: 2 drops d+k, 1x ALA, 1x carnitine, 1x CoQ10, 2x fish oil, earl gray tea

1900: 2x l-theanine, 1 x complex, 2x b3

2100: lobster ravioli, virgin ceasar

2200: 1x digestive enzymes

2245: 1tsp calm magnesium
Amazing dinner out at victoria house. Great food, amazing atmosphere, amazing people around. Super cool. No fighting. Laughing the whole time. Truly made the entire trip worth it. Lots and lots of laughs.  We jokes around like we were kids. So super immature and yet so much fun. Made fun if each other, laughed, joked, we were totally in our own world. Felt super appreciated by the crew around for all the world we are doing here on the island, making people lives better, enriching them, empowering them. Felt at peace. Clear minded. Happy. Joyous. Surrounded any friends. What a great night. And the “lobster in a blanket with his friends camping” dish was pretty good too. Oh and they make the BEST bloody marry drink EEVVEERRRRR!!!!!! Even if it’s a virgin.

Jan/03/2017

Posted: January 5, 2017 in A-Fib, Heart, Random Rants, Trials of Life
Tags: , , ,

0700: 1x exhilarin

0900: chai holy basil, coffee alternative

1000: beans, rice, spices, onion

1030: 1x CoQ10, 1x ALA, 1x carnitine

1100: protein pancakes, phytoberry, butter, syrup, banana

1600: blue raspberries poweraid

1700: cherry diet 7up
Feeling great today. Another day of no PAC’s. Great day for sure. No fights yet so no stress yet. Headache but that could be from too much sun yesterday and some dehydration. I been reading about ketosis and I’m thinking of doing some fasting and going on a keto diet, see how that plays out. As soon as i get settled back in Canada.
1745: 2x d+k, 2x fish oil, 1 scoop aminos, pollen, honey, D-ribos, taurine

Jan/02/2017

Posted: January 5, 2017 in A-Fib, Heart, Random Rants, Trials of Life
Tags: , ,

0900: 1x exhilarin

1000: coffee alternative

1030: acv and baking soda

1100: left over shrimp pizza and lasagna, 2 drops d +k, 1x ALA 1x CoQ10, 1x carnitine, 2x probiotic

1130: 1 scoop phytoberry, bee pollen, psyllium, chia, D-ribos, taurine
Today has been very different from yesterday. Got woken up for her to ask if u had cheated on her.  Why? She had a dream I did. Which pretty much set the tone for the day. Someone knocked on the door, asked for keys, she looks for a few  seconds, can’t find them comes and gets me to look for them. So I get up out of bed to look, only to find them right there in open view on the bench in the middle of the room. A blind person could have seen them. So I proceed to say that she need to learn to be more present, something that I always thought she lacks. Don’t get me wrong, so do I, and I made that very clear. But I’m aware that I’m not and I’m trying my best to be. Where she won’t even accept it a fight started about how I’m trying to change her and that I always try to teach her stuff and how I need to stop trying to elevate her and let he do whatever she wants and never say anything about it, just keep it inside and if she ever asks then I can say something. Even tho I’m in the relationship, I should not have the ability to speak freely Becuase it could come off as criticism and instead just keep my mouth shut and just love her. Now I think anyone reading this is gonna see the problem here. Lack of self expression = soul suffocation = an eventual end to the relationship. But she doesn’t see it. No communication = end of the relationship. But that’s good for her as long as she’s not made to feel like her ego is getting stepped on. So starts the beginning of the end. It’s too bad that she won’t be able to see it till it’s all over.

1300: 1 tsp Moringa, 1tsp turmeric

1600: 1/2 #2 cigar monte Cristo

1830: 1x D-stress

1900: tea: matcha, holy basil, some fruity smelling loose leaf tea from Teavana

2100: grouper, baked potato, keylime pie

2230: 25 drops Aussie trace minerals

2245: 1 tsp calm magnesium, 1x potassium iodide