Archive for the ‘Heart’ Category

REALIZATIONS…. Part 1

Posted: June 5, 2017 in Heart


So needless to say I’ve made some realizations in the last while. Well actually, every day it seems I make these realizations but never share them. Why, right? Well this blog is all about that. Little realizations, made daily. If only I had the initiative to record them all and lock them down in digital ink so they are out in the world forever. 

So I’ve realized lately that I’m more upset at the missed opportunities than at the loss. And this has never been more evident than in the stock market. So recently I started playing with stocks. Small time penny stocks with potential for huge returns. Which has been evident in the last little while. Now, I’m getting a little stressed out. And it’s been noticed. But what’s really been noticed by me and others is that I’m not even giving second thought to the stocks I now own that are losing. Doesn’t bother me one bit. It’s money that’s already gone and I’m good with it as it is. But…. The deals I missed out on, those are the ones that piss me off the most! Like infuriating!! Take today for example. Stock price goes down from a high of 65% gain to 20%, it’s down to 0.032 and I’m like…. I’m in I’ll buy. Then I turned greedy. It wanted 0.030. So I waited. And bbbaaammmm it took off!!! Skyrocketed to 110% gain!!! Eat that!!! Now granted all I wanted to buy was $100 worth so yes I’d make $100 at most. But that’s not the point! The point was that I missed out on an amazing opportunity!! And that’s what roasted my potatoes!! So mad. What about the stocks I got already that went up. Or down?! I dunno who cares!! That’s money already spent. Frustrating!! 

So yeah, that’s one helluva realization. Its one of those things that I’ve known for a while, as if it’s hard not to know. It’s not like I haven’t seen 10000 inspiration quotes and pics and posts about it. Studies. Polls. Articles. You name it. I know this. But never experienced it in real time. Ever, not like this. It’s clear as day!! 

Eyes wide open!! 

And the final chapter was written 

Posted: May 27, 2017 in Heart

So some sad news… The relationship that I thought would never end, had in fact ended. And no matter the hardship that was endured, no matter the fact that it was a long time coming and has long been over due, no matter the fact that we fought over everything more than we did anything else….. It’s still heart breaking. The heart is in heavy today. As was yesterday when it happened. It ended like it began, after work, 6pm phone call. Almost a year to the date too. Almost. And it almost was almost something they would have written scripts and poems and stories about. Epic. But it didn’t even have a chance. Didn’t even have the ability to take a breath. Yes, I blame 90% of it in her. Not fair, maybe not, but still. Lord knows I tried. I tried and I tried and I tried. To no avail. A 24 year old beauty stuck inside the mind of a 16 year old entitled girl from an upper middle class family that’s never been fucked over to the extent that she would know what’s good when it came. Well she did. She scooped me up quick. But in the end her heart was never fully in it. Always one foot in one foot out. Was it the religion, the race, the age, the upbringing…. I’ll never know. The fact is, it’s done.

We had a super long chat last night. She asked me the same questions she always asks. And I usually answer them in a similar way. But it Distilled into her living in the future and the past and totally disregarding the present moment. The sticking point, what religion are we gonna raise our children. From a girl who when met didn’t want children. Then baby brain happens as always does, and it got sticky. I said, we would let them choose, but she wants the traditional Christian way of raising them. Even though she’s not really traditional Christian herself. So Idunno. We’re both broken up about it. Stomach is in knots. Rollercoaster of an emotional ride. One minute I’m happy and relived and the next I’m sad and lonely and lost. I don’t like it.

Could I have been better? Yes of course. But then again so could she. The one thing I loved about her is her obsession with me. Even though it was suffocating it was a good kind if suffocation. If there is such a thing. Everyone in the world wants to be wanted. And she did that very well. Till she didn’t. But in honesty, I stopped wanting her quite some time ago.

I can’t take stress and fighting. It ruins it all for me. Yes I could have been better. But so could she. Idunno how I would have done it differently. I honestly say I tried my best with what I had. I even did Landmark to try and improve myself and I got met with, don’t use Landmark on me! It felt like I was always losing. Always. There was definitely moments of hope in all the darkness that kept me going through it. And I probably would have continued, unhappy, to some unknown end. But it felt like it had to end eventually. It was a good run. That’s for sure. And maybe things could have ended well, but who knows. I guess I’ll never know

We did end in a good note though. I told her that the one thing I’ve learned in life is that nothing is forever except death, and even that isn’t really forever if you believe. I’ve had relationships end and we stay friends and end up back together eventually. They weren’t right though so they had to eventually end. My hopes is that maybe she can figure her shit out while she’s out there on her quest for her unicorn relationship. If she does then I said that she would be welcomed back with open arms. Maybe I’ll be a different person as well. Someone more able to deal with things better. Idunno. Or maybe she would have matured and got fucked over a few times to realize that what she wants doesn’t actually exist. Who knows. Only time will tell.

For now we do the friend thing. See where that goes. The thing I liked the most about the relationship is that I knew I always had someone there that was really there. Really cared. Even tho I couldn’t share everything with her and felt super lonely in the relationship it was the security of it that was nice. I was totally sacrificing happiness for security. And she’s pretty. Or everyone seemed to think so and it made me feel better about myself that I was with a pretty girl. So vain I know. I don’t know why I still can’t get over that. Why is it that I see myself in the person I’m with. My worth is dependant on them and what they look like to others. When others say she’s hot I feel like, yeah I’m someone cool got girls love me and so therefor I must be a somebody. It’s so fucked up. Insecurity I guess. That’s funny, that’s what I blamed her for. We were too much alike. Both insecure but when I was with her I didn’t feel it. But it wasn’t just her. Any hot girl. When I’m with a hot girl I feel secure. Even tho truth be told at home she wasn’t hot. Only in public with makeup to cover up the acne and all the nice clothes and what not. She just felt so fake. Like right now as we speak she’s out with her friend who she slandered over and over calling her a whore and all that, and yet she’s all happy to be there with her. I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. I haven’t changed anything from my routine from one day to the next and nothing has even really changed, we still message and chat and all that, and yet now that the future is no longer there or at least not in that capacity, I feel so lost. My story. It’s killing me at times. In the day at work I feel great. Home alone I feel shitty. I feel like I wanna hug her and tell her I love her and yet I also wanna scream and yell at her and tell her to give her head a shake for making such a stupid decision. It’s a messed up feeling. So turbulent!! OK so now I have the room to be with someone who will not fight with me and be peaceful but once your used to something in this life, even if it be fighting and turmoil everyday, it’s becomes a part of you. Part of the thing you need almost. Maybe that’s why she does it. She did say she fights with all her bf’s. So maybe it’s a need now to survive. Idunno.

Regardless, life has been shaken to its foundation. I knew in my heart of hearts that I got the one that would never turn back. Yet I knew the day would come that it had to end. So it was conflicting from the beginning. We did have amazing moments, even though few. Those are the things I will see. I will disregard all the sadness, loneliness, and anguish that was constantly going in inside the relationship. It was a nightmare it seemed at times. So much so that I didn’t even write about it cause it would all be complaints and sadness and stress. Fight fight fight after fight fight fight. Just couldn’t get anywhere. And yet even knowing that, at this very moment I’d take her back, resent and all. Weird how that goes. As the days go on know I’ll go on more of these Rollercoaster rides of emotion until time has healed it. I can just imagine now what my ex felt like when I broke up with her when everything was working out perfectly! If this is bad then wow!!! Heart breaking!!! And she made it through. So I’m sure I’ll be fine as long as I can get outta my head and think clearly!!! We’ll see.

I was really hoping the final chapter of this would end in totaly differnt way. Guess the old saying stands…. I plan and you plan and the universe makes its own plans.

I had so many things planned for us and our future and I said I would endure all the bullshit so that we would get there and one day we will. And now that will not come to fruition. At least not in this moment. Not now anyways. Maybe not ever. And no matter how unhappy I was and unsatisfied in the relationship and how much I wished and dreamed this day would come, now its here and I fucking hate it. Actually hate it. Such a shitty feeling knowing that something so huge in my life has ended. Im left in an even shittier place than I was before. Or so it feels like at this moment. Crazy how emotionals spiral like that. This morning I was calming her and being there for her telling her to feel better and that it was the right thing to do, and I felt great doing that. I was over it already and ready to move on to the next chapter. And now that Im home alone with my thoughts and my stories, I feel like a bag of shit and utterly depressed and sad to no end in sight. Such a shitty feeling.

The last of the many

Posted: May 27, 2017 in Heart

Here I sit, yet once again, on this beautiful tropical night. Same spot I’ve sat for many nights this past year. Feeling the same way I’ve felt, oh so many times. These posts have somehow turned into a sub story of one’s ability, or lack thereof, to be happy in paradise. Oh yes I’m in Belize again for the last of many trips to this tropical paradise. But it’s really not all it was supposed to be. When I first imagined this place I always pictured I’d be free of all worries, not a care on the world, just leaving life behind and running away like I always do to escape the troubles of the world. What I found was quite the opposite. It really doesn’t matter where you go, if your not free on the inside, there not place in the world you can be happy.

And so it ends, like it began

Posted: May 27, 2017 in Heart

In life, things usually end in the same way as they begin, but on the opposite side of the emotional scale. In a few days I take, what is shaping up to be, my very last trip to Belize. What started 9 trips ago is about to have its 10th and final farewell. And it’s bitter sweet. Well mostly sweet, with a little bitter sprinkled in there, but nonetheless. The full story I can’t really get into on here as some of the details can’t be broadcast to anyone outside the inner circle, but I’ll do my best to fill in the blanks and get some of it off my chest. 

The storey started out 11 months ago, almost to the day. Boy meets girl. Boy falls for girl. Girl makes a mess of boys life lol. Well not exactly, but sorta lolol. So we talk. Meet. Hit it off. Second date I needed a passport. Exciting stuff. Except when I get there, it wasn’t what I expected. There was way more emotional hardship then anything else. A lot of tears were shed. But a lot of growth, for sure! I finally made it to Belize, somewhere I’ve always wanted to go my whole life almost. And I’ve never been anywhere outside of Canada (even though I’ve driven across Canada twice) !! Well the US, that’s it. But that doesn’t really count. Kinda like going over to your neighbors house. So it was amazing in that sense. I met all her mentors, got to hang out with some amazing people, and learned so much. I was fast on the way to an amazing new life! 

Then came the Landmark forum. Something I’ll keep talking about from time to time, as it was a life changer. Anyways, one day the CEO of the company puts his arm around me after a very late night of booze and cigars at a central American beauty pageant and says to me….. You like this girl? Obv I’m like, absolutely! So he’s like, you know that if you want our approval your going to have to do the Landmark forum. So of course I responded with, then the Landmark forum it is!! And that’s when it all changed. 

I was operating from a place I have been in my whole life. And now I’m operating on a whole new wave length with a new bar set way higher. So not only am I holding myself to that bar but they very people I’m supposed to be learning from. Which made things a little difficult. Cause after being fresh out of the program I realizing that the very people that are supposedly the instructors of this way of being, all about integrity, are in fact out of integrity themselves. Well not all, that’s for sure. I shouldn’t use “they” or “themselves”, as it was mainly just one. Unfortunately it was the one that couldn’t be let go or avoided. This person really made a mess of the place. And the whole time, this person has had the entire upper echelon fooled into thinking it was everyone else’s fault of not performing and definitely not them! What a joke! Regardless, I don’t wanna turn this post into a bitch-fest, cause I could go on and on. At the end I wasn’t able to deal with incompetence and straight up lies and deceit, disguised by the holier-than-thou attitude operating under the umbrella of integrity. Bullshit. Whatever. Once the love is gone it’s time to move on. And as the old Phoenician proverb goes, let clay pots smash each other. Yeah I know, there much lost in the translation. The meaning: let them fucking deal their own shit, smash each other to bits, why get in the middle of it. So I’ll sit back and watch, and grin like an idiot. 
So anyways. Last trip. Well last one to the same place to deal with the same peeps. Cause while there I met soo many amazing people and made some really good friends that I’ll be visiting from time to time for sure! Maybe I’ll even startup a project there and knock out the competition. Who knows. At least now I’m not wasting my $ doing a thankless task that in the end up getting thrown under the bus in the end. I was warned, this person will use you like they use everyone else. And lo and behold, it happened. Oh well. A hobo’s heart will never be anything else but. Or as a wise man once told me, “you are who you were, and always will be”.  

Depressed in paradise? 

Posted: May 27, 2017 in Heart

It’s a strange thing to find oneself depressed in paradise. It’s not a typical reaction to being surrounded by beautiful beaches and palm trees. Is it? 

I touched down in the sunny shores of Belize, made it back to the villa, and before I knew it I’m finding myself depressed, unhappy, and generally dissatisfied with life. I’m not excited to be here. I feel trapped and alone. Yet I’m with enough people. Im actually surrounded by people and yet I feel so alone in this world. Yes that’s not the Landmark way of creating the possibility and living in it but I feel like I just can’t help it. I can’t talk to anyone around me. My GF is here yet I cant seem to say anything to her it. 

I wish I could capture this moment 

Posted: April 11, 2017 in Heart

Words can express, but feelings are truly inexpressible. The view of the coconut trees swaying in the wind, the sweet smell of spring, the feeling of the the warm sea breeze gently caressing my face, the sounds of the sea on a perfect April night. It’s truly the definition of epic. It’s paradise in all its glory. My only wish to share this moment with as many souls are possible. I’m almost at a loss for words tonight, and for me that’s not something that happens too often. It brings me peace to know that no matter how fkd up the world gets, there’s a place in the world where one can just forget all the bullshit in their life and just be at one with the world. At one with themselves. At one with the creator and the creation. Allowing stream of well-being to wash away all the worries of the world and the worries of life, even if it’s just for a moment. Our minds are always racing with thoughts of the past and future, and being graced by a single breath of peace in paradise is absolutely priceless! It’s something that value cannot be put upon, even though value was at some point upon in order to get there. 

Really?? 

Posted: March 23, 2017 in Heart

GF sends me this article today…. http://thoughtcatalog.com/victoria-joslin/2017/03/9-things-you-need-to-know-before-dating-an-outgoing-introvert 

And at the very beginning is this quote…

“I don’t know how to be anything other than intense. I don’t know how to experience without feeling too much and thinking too much. I am always searching, always questioning, and always trying to find the meaning in everything. I am passionate and I am deep, and sometimes I am misunderstood, but I am finally okay with that.”

Now I’m assuming she sent it to describe to be how she really is. And it’s a great article but in reality only some of those points are her, really some are me as well, and I’d bet anything that some are you too. But that quote at the beginning struck me. 

I feel so overwhelmed by life right now. 

I have so much to say and yet I feel like I’m all said out. So I’ll just leave it. 

Jan/13/2017 (Friday The 13th)

Posted: January 14, 2017 in Heart

​Extremely cranky today. Just off. Idunno what it is. Somethings just not right. Angry. Is it residuals of the fight last night? Something external? Not clear just yet. 

0830: 1x exhilarin 

0930: pineapple juice, 1 scoop phytoberry, bee pollen, mct 

0945: black tea, honey, creamer 

1000: 1x T-Relief arthritis tablet 

So even from such long distance, the fight still comes. Damn this technology!! She’s concerned that I don’t think she’s hot. Granted I don’t tell her she’s hot all the time. And there’s a reason for that. She’s the biggest story maker ever!! Twists everything I say to mean that I’m slamming her in some sort of way. When we first went out I would say how hot she was, but I felt free to speak my mind. So I would make comments on her looks. But what I quickly found what that every word I’d say would be scrutinized and eventually twisted to mean something it didn’t, making me the bad guy. So I just stopped bringing up anything to do with looks or appearance. From how she looks to how she’s dressed or what I think of anything to do with such stuff. Better safe than sorry. So anyways. I’m Exhausted after a long long day. Finally in bed by 10. She has to resolve something so needs to call. So ok, we can talk quick. She calls. Asks if I think she’s hot. I say yes. She wants an explanation as to why I don’t tell her this. Worst feeling. Cause now I have to explain why. I tell her I have the hardest time telling her what I think or being completely honest about certain things so I just don’t say them to avoid her twisting it and adding a her “story” to it and making it mean something it doesn’t. She insists I do it anyways and she’s just gonna listen. So I tell her. Yes a long drawn out explanation. What do I get in return? Her being extremely defensive. So it begins. From that point I can’t get 3 words in about what she is asking for without her being defensive. The fight begins. I get slammed. Over and over. Proving the point I was making in the first place. Saying she asks for something and I criticise her about everything else. Meanwhile it’s me explain what I think and why I can’t say what I wanna say. Saying if I can’t accept her the way she is then there’s no point to go on, but in much worse words. And it still hadn’t stopped. Still getting messages as I write this about how it’s all my fault. Just goes to show. Never speak my mind or tell her what I feel or think. Just keep in inside, suppress it until it pops. Then walk away. That seems like the only option right now, with only one outcome in site. Sad and unfortunate. I thought this was the one. But she won’t ever let me express myself without making it mean something terrible. She wants to resolve her issues but when it comes to me resolving mine, it’s a no go. So that’s fine. So be it. I feel like I need to scream. To call her terrible names and say terrible words. The frustration builds up with no end in site other than the final end. 

1330: nerves tonic tea

1430: 4 eggs, 2 chicken hotdogs, cheese, spices, saurkraut, sweet green olives, 1x liberte kefir

Time has passed and I’ve calmed down a bit. I’ve also been drinking verbal tonic tea. Stuff is a God send. It’s when I need to get rid of anger and be happy. I don’t know how it works but it works. Always have some on hand!! Anyways, so I’m not a blogger by nature. Just always loved to write. I have books stacked with writings. Well more like ranting. They really are the rantings of a madman lol. We all need to vent and let it out. It’s just never convenient to do so. As humans we must learn to have a release. Be it the gym, killing some weights or in a quiet room screaming your head off to get it out. Regardless of the method, it needs to come out. A wise friend one told me that when it feels like your fighting it on the inside, stop and let it win. Let it take you over. If your fighting crying, don’t! Ball your eyes out! If you wanna laugh, laugh hysterically!! If you wanna scream, then find a good place to do it obviously, and scream till your throat is raw. Let it out. Whatever you resist, persists. That’s the rule of the game. So don’t resist it. Let it happen.  Let it out. And for me it’s in my writing. I love go talk and talk and rant on and on until it’s finished and out, but sadly I don’t have anyone anymore that wants to let me get it out with them. I always figured it would be the girl Im dating, but it doesn’t seem to be that way for most. They don’t seem to wanna hear it. I know maybe it sounds absurd, cause sometimes the thing I wanna rant about is due to the person I’d be ranting to. And that obviously won’t work, so I don’t know why I thought for a second that it would. She asks me to tell her the things I’m feeling or on my mind so it can be dealt with, so against my better judgement I do, thinking it will get it out and help me to deal with it. Instead, which is what I knew would happen anyways, she takes it the wrong way, like it’s a slam of some sort, and becomes all  defensive and the fight happens. Then I get blamed for renting on about nonsense and that I think it’s all about me that I don’t accept her for who she is. How this led to that Im still not exactly sure, but it’s always the path that seems to be taken. Regardless. I need to get it out. So I started this blog. I would love it if this helped one person to know they they are not alone in the struggles of life. That no matter what position you hold in life, there will always be it’s ups and it’s downs. And just when you think you’ve stuck gold, turns out there’s a bear trap set next to it. Ouch! Actually it’s more like a mine field with bear traps and poison ivy, killer bees, pools with piranhas, and pumas just waiting to jump and tear you to bits.  Something like that. Then if by some miracle you make it and grab the gold, it falls away to reveal an empty lonely abyss. Making one think if it’s worth it afterall that. 
Socrates says:  “Life contains but two tragedies. One is not to get your heart’s desire; the other is to get it.”
I don’t know what’s worse.  Not getting what you want out of life or actually getting it. I can’t count the number of times I’ve wanted something, only to get it, and realize that I wish I hadn’t! Tragic realization. 

Just when so emoting becomes too concrete and the realization of the final chapter arises, I get scared. Like really scared. I panick. And I start to distance myself away from that thing. Be it a job, a person, or any sort of commitment. Most times it’s people that do it. The 6 Months rule. I’ve had it for as long as I can remember. 6 months and out. I never saw anything wrong with living life 6 months at a time. It kept me balanced. Kept me fresh. Kept me reinventing myself every 6 months. And it usually revolved around a new girl. Never got stale. The romance never really faded. It was that crazy movie kind if love for, in constant format. Only thing that it called for was change. Constant change. Anything over that and it felt like I stalled. And when I stall it’s like a plane stalling in mid air. There’s only one direction. And that’s straight down, rreeaaallllll quick!!!! And they was terrifying!!! So how does one deal with this and attempt to have a long term serious relationship?? That’s the billion dollar question.  I’m still trying to figure that one out. Im open to all suggestions. But then again all I keep hearing is, “you’ll know when you find it”. Bullshit!

Jan/12/2016

Posted: January 13, 2017 in Heart

​0500: 1x exhilarin, 2 drops d +k, 1 glass pineapple juice 

0700: 1x Timmie’s egg & cheese on croissant, earl grey tea 

0930: decaf coffee, toast & PB&J

1100: 1x T-Relief arthritis homeopathic pain reliever tablets dissolved under tongue 

1230: left over noodles and beef, salad with coleslaw dressing 

1400: 1x b3, 2x fish oil, 1x D-stress, 1x CoQ10, 1x carnitine 

1430: mango green tea 

Jan/11/2017

Posted: January 13, 2017 in Heart

​0420: morning stretches 

0430: 1x exhilarin 

0440: 2 drop d+k, 2x hcp30

0600: Timmie’s egg and cheese on a croissant, black tea, toast peanut butter jam, 

1000: vector cereal, almond milk, frozen wild blueberries, 2x fish oil, 1x CoQ10, 1x carnitine