Archive for May, 2017

Ramblings

Posted: May 28, 2017 in Random Rants, Trials of Life

Have you ever wished that there was a sound track to life? Well I have, very much so actually. And looking back on life I realize that there kinda is. Those songs that you heard doing certain things or with certain people, maybe during a breakup or an amazing night that ends the next day and the same song comes on a few times and becomes the sound track of the night, then the soundtrack of the month, the season, or even the year. I love that. 2017 soundtrack was A drake track, Feel No Way. I was wondering what the soundtrack track was gonna be for this year and its been discovered, a few days ago in fact. About 4 days ago I heard Drake’s Passionfruit and was thinking, wow that’s a great breakup track. I bet I’ll sing it to Christie sometime for karaoke or something and get a kick out of it from her. Well little did I know 2 days later it would be on repeat cause we actually ended up breaking up. So the track of 2018 is that. Funny cause its like deja vu. Last year I played feel no way on repeat cause of the girl I broke up with because of Christie. Happened around the same time too, just a few weeks earlier in the year. And both breakups were because of her. That’s messed up shit. I feel bad for anyone reading this post or if you signed up to be notified via email when I post something new, because all the last little bit has been is negative down gloomy writings. And now with this huge event in my life, its gonna be one fuck of a sad story. Me venting, pouring my heart out on to these digital pages (and maybe a few tears as well). Real sappy shit, so I apologies in advance and wont be hurt in the least if you unfollow. Its gonna get messy for a bit, after I’m done stewing in my own BS for a bit. Be careful what you wish for in life, cause you just might receive it! And everything you receive you attracted. And yes I know this very well. If I didnt, this is very stern reminder, yet once again!! Thank you life!!

And the final chapter was written 

Posted: May 27, 2017 in Heart

So some sad news… The relationship that I thought would never end, had in fact ended. And no matter the hardship that was endured, no matter the fact that it was a long time coming and has long been over due, no matter the fact that we fought over everything more than we did anything else….. It’s still heart breaking. The heart is in heavy today. As was yesterday when it happened. It ended like it began, after work, 6pm phone call. Almost a year to the date too. Almost. And it almost was almost something they would have written scripts and poems and stories about. Epic. But it didn’t even have a chance. Didn’t even have the ability to take a breath. Yes, I blame 90% of it in her. Not fair, maybe not, but still. Lord knows I tried. I tried and I tried and I tried. To no avail. A 24 year old beauty stuck inside the mind of a 16 year old entitled girl from an upper middle class family that’s never been fucked over to the extent that she would know what’s good when it came. Well she did. She scooped me up quick. But in the end her heart was never fully in it. Always one foot in one foot out. Was it the religion, the race, the age, the upbringing…. I’ll never know. The fact is, it’s done.

We had a super long chat last night. She asked me the same questions she always asks. And I usually answer them in a similar way. But it Distilled into her living in the future and the past and totally disregarding the present moment. The sticking point, what religion are we gonna raise our children. From a girl who when met didn’t want children. Then baby brain happens as always does, and it got sticky. I said, we would let them choose, but she wants the traditional Christian way of raising them. Even though she’s not really traditional Christian herself. So Idunno. We’re both broken up about it. Stomach is in knots. Rollercoaster of an emotional ride. One minute I’m happy and relived and the next I’m sad and lonely and lost. I don’t like it.

Could I have been better? Yes of course. But then again so could she. The one thing I loved about her is her obsession with me. Even though it was suffocating it was a good kind if suffocation. If there is such a thing. Everyone in the world wants to be wanted. And she did that very well. Till she didn’t. But in honesty, I stopped wanting her quite some time ago.

I can’t take stress and fighting. It ruins it all for me. Yes I could have been better. But so could she. Idunno how I would have done it differently. I honestly say I tried my best with what I had. I even did Landmark to try and improve myself and I got met with, don’t use Landmark on me! It felt like I was always losing. Always. There was definitely moments of hope in all the darkness that kept me going through it. And I probably would have continued, unhappy, to some unknown end. But it felt like it had to end eventually. It was a good run. That’s for sure. And maybe things could have ended well, but who knows. I guess I’ll never know

We did end in a good note though. I told her that the one thing I’ve learned in life is that nothing is forever except death, and even that isn’t really forever if you believe. I’ve had relationships end and we stay friends and end up back together eventually. They weren’t right though so they had to eventually end. My hopes is that maybe she can figure her shit out while she’s out there on her quest for her unicorn relationship. If she does then I said that she would be welcomed back with open arms. Maybe I’ll be a different person as well. Someone more able to deal with things better. Idunno. Or maybe she would have matured and got fucked over a few times to realize that what she wants doesn’t actually exist. Who knows. Only time will tell.

For now we do the friend thing. See where that goes. The thing I liked the most about the relationship is that I knew I always had someone there that was really there. Really cared. Even tho I couldn’t share everything with her and felt super lonely in the relationship it was the security of it that was nice. I was totally sacrificing happiness for security. And she’s pretty. Or everyone seemed to think so and it made me feel better about myself that I was with a pretty girl. So vain I know. I don’t know why I still can’t get over that. Why is it that I see myself in the person I’m with. My worth is dependant on them and what they look like to others. When others say she’s hot I feel like, yeah I’m someone cool got girls love me and so therefor I must be a somebody. It’s so fucked up. Insecurity I guess. That’s funny, that’s what I blamed her for. We were too much alike. Both insecure but when I was with her I didn’t feel it. But it wasn’t just her. Any hot girl. When I’m with a hot girl I feel secure. Even tho truth be told at home she wasn’t hot. Only in public with makeup to cover up the acne and all the nice clothes and what not. She just felt so fake. Like right now as we speak she’s out with her friend who she slandered over and over calling her a whore and all that, and yet she’s all happy to be there with her. I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. I haven’t changed anything from my routine from one day to the next and nothing has even really changed, we still message and chat and all that, and yet now that the future is no longer there or at least not in that capacity, I feel so lost. My story. It’s killing me at times. In the day at work I feel great. Home alone I feel shitty. I feel like I wanna hug her and tell her I love her and yet I also wanna scream and yell at her and tell her to give her head a shake for making such a stupid decision. It’s a messed up feeling. So turbulent!! OK so now I have the room to be with someone who will not fight with me and be peaceful but once your used to something in this life, even if it be fighting and turmoil everyday, it’s becomes a part of you. Part of the thing you need almost. Maybe that’s why she does it. She did say she fights with all her bf’s. So maybe it’s a need now to survive. Idunno.

Regardless, life has been shaken to its foundation. I knew in my heart of hearts that I got the one that would never turn back. Yet I knew the day would come that it had to end. So it was conflicting from the beginning. We did have amazing moments, even though few. Those are the things I will see. I will disregard all the sadness, loneliness, and anguish that was constantly going in inside the relationship. It was a nightmare it seemed at times. So much so that I didn’t even write about it cause it would all be complaints and sadness and stress. Fight fight fight after fight fight fight. Just couldn’t get anywhere. And yet even knowing that, at this very moment I’d take her back, resent and all. Weird how that goes. As the days go on know I’ll go on more of these Rollercoaster rides of emotion until time has healed it. I can just imagine now what my ex felt like when I broke up with her when everything was working out perfectly! If this is bad then wow!!! Heart breaking!!! And she made it through. So I’m sure I’ll be fine as long as I can get outta my head and think clearly!!! We’ll see.

I was really hoping the final chapter of this would end in totaly differnt way. Guess the old saying stands…. I plan and you plan and the universe makes its own plans.

I had so many things planned for us and our future and I said I would endure all the bullshit so that we would get there and one day we will. And now that will not come to fruition. At least not in this moment. Not now anyways. Maybe not ever. And no matter how unhappy I was and unsatisfied in the relationship and how much I wished and dreamed this day would come, now its here and I fucking hate it. Actually hate it. Such a shitty feeling knowing that something so huge in my life has ended. Im left in an even shittier place than I was before. Or so it feels like at this moment. Crazy how emotionals spiral like that. This morning I was calming her and being there for her telling her to feel better and that it was the right thing to do, and I felt great doing that. I was over it already and ready to move on to the next chapter. And now that Im home alone with my thoughts and my stories, I feel like a bag of shit and utterly depressed and sad to no end in sight. Such a shitty feeling.

The last of the many

Posted: May 27, 2017 in Heart

Here I sit, yet once again, on this beautiful tropical night. Same spot I’ve sat for many nights this past year. Feeling the same way I’ve felt, oh so many times. These posts have somehow turned into a sub story of one’s ability, or lack thereof, to be happy in paradise. Oh yes I’m in Belize again for the last of many trips to this tropical paradise. But it’s really not all it was supposed to be. When I first imagined this place I always pictured I’d be free of all worries, not a care on the world, just leaving life behind and running away like I always do to escape the troubles of the world. What I found was quite the opposite. It really doesn’t matter where you go, if your not free on the inside, there not place in the world you can be happy.

And so it ends, like it began

Posted: May 27, 2017 in Heart

In life, things usually end in the same way as they begin, but on the opposite side of the emotional scale. In a few days I take, what is shaping up to be, my very last trip to Belize. What started 9 trips ago is about to have its 10th and final farewell. And it’s bitter sweet. Well mostly sweet, with a little bitter sprinkled in there, but nonetheless. The full story I can’t really get into on here as some of the details can’t be broadcast to anyone outside the inner circle, but I’ll do my best to fill in the blanks and get some of it off my chest. 

The storey started out 11 months ago, almost to the day. Boy meets girl. Boy falls for girl. Girl makes a mess of boys life lol. Well not exactly, but sorta lolol. So we talk. Meet. Hit it off. Second date I needed a passport. Exciting stuff. Except when I get there, it wasn’t what I expected. There was way more emotional hardship then anything else. A lot of tears were shed. But a lot of growth, for sure! I finally made it to Belize, somewhere I’ve always wanted to go my whole life almost. And I’ve never been anywhere outside of Canada (even though I’ve driven across Canada twice) !! Well the US, that’s it. But that doesn’t really count. Kinda like going over to your neighbors house. So it was amazing in that sense. I met all her mentors, got to hang out with some amazing people, and learned so much. I was fast on the way to an amazing new life! 

Then came the Landmark forum. Something I’ll keep talking about from time to time, as it was a life changer. Anyways, one day the CEO of the company puts his arm around me after a very late night of booze and cigars at a central American beauty pageant and says to me….. You like this girl? Obv I’m like, absolutely! So he’s like, you know that if you want our approval your going to have to do the Landmark forum. So of course I responded with, then the Landmark forum it is!! And that’s when it all changed. 

I was operating from a place I have been in my whole life. And now I’m operating on a whole new wave length with a new bar set way higher. So not only am I holding myself to that bar but they very people I’m supposed to be learning from. Which made things a little difficult. Cause after being fresh out of the program I realizing that the very people that are supposedly the instructors of this way of being, all about integrity, are in fact out of integrity themselves. Well not all, that’s for sure. I shouldn’t use “they” or “themselves”, as it was mainly just one. Unfortunately it was the one that couldn’t be let go or avoided. This person really made a mess of the place. And the whole time, this person has had the entire upper echelon fooled into thinking it was everyone else’s fault of not performing and definitely not them! What a joke! Regardless, I don’t wanna turn this post into a bitch-fest, cause I could go on and on. At the end I wasn’t able to deal with incompetence and straight up lies and deceit, disguised by the holier-than-thou attitude operating under the umbrella of integrity. Bullshit. Whatever. Once the love is gone it’s time to move on. And as the old Phoenician proverb goes, let clay pots smash each other. Yeah I know, there much lost in the translation. The meaning: let them fucking deal their own shit, smash each other to bits, why get in the middle of it. So I’ll sit back and watch, and grin like an idiot. 
So anyways. Last trip. Well last one to the same place to deal with the same peeps. Cause while there I met soo many amazing people and made some really good friends that I’ll be visiting from time to time for sure! Maybe I’ll even startup a project there and knock out the competition. Who knows. At least now I’m not wasting my $ doing a thankless task that in the end up getting thrown under the bus in the end. I was warned, this person will use you like they use everyone else. And lo and behold, it happened. Oh well. A hobo’s heart will never be anything else but. Or as a wise man once told me, “you are who you were, and always will be”.  

Depressed in paradise? 

Posted: May 27, 2017 in Heart

It’s a strange thing to find oneself depressed in paradise. It’s not a typical reaction to being surrounded by beautiful beaches and palm trees. Is it? 

I touched down in the sunny shores of Belize, made it back to the villa, and before I knew it I’m finding myself depressed, unhappy, and generally dissatisfied with life. I’m not excited to be here. I feel trapped and alone. Yet I’m with enough people. Im actually surrounded by people and yet I feel so alone in this world. Yes that’s not the Landmark way of creating the possibility and living in it but I feel like I just can’t help it. I can’t talk to anyone around me. My GF is here yet I cant seem to say anything to her it.