Archive for January, 2017

Jan/13/2017 (Friday The 13th)

Posted: January 14, 2017 in Heart

​Extremely cranky today. Just off. Idunno what it is. Somethings just not right. Angry. Is it residuals of the fight last night? Something external? Not clear just yet. 

0830: 1x exhilarin 

0930: pineapple juice, 1 scoop phytoberry, bee pollen, mct 

0945: black tea, honey, creamer 

1000: 1x T-Relief arthritis tablet 

So even from such long distance, the fight still comes. Damn this technology!! She’s concerned that I don’t think she’s hot. Granted I don’t tell her she’s hot all the time. And there’s a reason for that. She’s the biggest story maker ever!! Twists everything I say to mean that I’m slamming her in some sort of way. When we first went out I would say how hot she was, but I felt free to speak my mind. So I would make comments on her looks. But what I quickly found what that every word I’d say would be scrutinized and eventually twisted to mean something it didn’t, making me the bad guy. So I just stopped bringing up anything to do with looks or appearance. From how she looks to how she’s dressed or what I think of anything to do with such stuff. Better safe than sorry. So anyways. I’m Exhausted after a long long day. Finally in bed by 10. She has to resolve something so needs to call. So ok, we can talk quick. She calls. Asks if I think she’s hot. I say yes. She wants an explanation as to why I don’t tell her this. Worst feeling. Cause now I have to explain why. I tell her I have the hardest time telling her what I think or being completely honest about certain things so I just don’t say them to avoid her twisting it and adding a her “story” to it and making it mean something it doesn’t. She insists I do it anyways and she’s just gonna listen. So I tell her. Yes a long drawn out explanation. What do I get in return? Her being extremely defensive. So it begins. From that point I can’t get 3 words in about what she is asking for without her being defensive. The fight begins. I get slammed. Over and over. Proving the point I was making in the first place. Saying she asks for something and I criticise her about everything else. Meanwhile it’s me explain what I think and why I can’t say what I wanna say. Saying if I can’t accept her the way she is then there’s no point to go on, but in much worse words. And it still hadn’t stopped. Still getting messages as I write this about how it’s all my fault. Just goes to show. Never speak my mind or tell her what I feel or think. Just keep in inside, suppress it until it pops. Then walk away. That seems like the only option right now, with only one outcome in site. Sad and unfortunate. I thought this was the one. But she won’t ever let me express myself without making it mean something terrible. She wants to resolve her issues but when it comes to me resolving mine, it’s a no go. So that’s fine. So be it. I feel like I need to scream. To call her terrible names and say terrible words. The frustration builds up with no end in site other than the final end. 

1330: nerves tonic tea

1430: 4 eggs, 2 chicken hotdogs, cheese, spices, saurkraut, sweet green olives, 1x liberte kefir

Time has passed and I’ve calmed down a bit. I’ve also been drinking verbal tonic tea. Stuff is a God send. It’s when I need to get rid of anger and be happy. I don’t know how it works but it works. Always have some on hand!! Anyways, so I’m not a blogger by nature. Just always loved to write. I have books stacked with writings. Well more like ranting. They really are the rantings of a madman lol. We all need to vent and let it out. It’s just never convenient to do so. As humans we must learn to have a release. Be it the gym, killing some weights or in a quiet room screaming your head off to get it out. Regardless of the method, it needs to come out. A wise friend one told me that when it feels like your fighting it on the inside, stop and let it win. Let it take you over. If your fighting crying, don’t! Ball your eyes out! If you wanna laugh, laugh hysterically!! If you wanna scream, then find a good place to do it obviously, and scream till your throat is raw. Let it out. Whatever you resist, persists. That’s the rule of the game. So don’t resist it. Let it happen.  Let it out. And for me it’s in my writing. I love go talk and talk and rant on and on until it’s finished and out, but sadly I don’t have anyone anymore that wants to let me get it out with them. I always figured it would be the girl Im dating, but it doesn’t seem to be that way for most. They don’t seem to wanna hear it. I know maybe it sounds absurd, cause sometimes the thing I wanna rant about is due to the person I’d be ranting to. And that obviously won’t work, so I don’t know why I thought for a second that it would. She asks me to tell her the things I’m feeling or on my mind so it can be dealt with, so against my better judgement I do, thinking it will get it out and help me to deal with it. Instead, which is what I knew would happen anyways, she takes it the wrong way, like it’s a slam of some sort, and becomes all  defensive and the fight happens. Then I get blamed for renting on about nonsense and that I think it’s all about me that I don’t accept her for who she is. How this led to that Im still not exactly sure, but it’s always the path that seems to be taken. Regardless. I need to get it out. So I started this blog. I would love it if this helped one person to know they they are not alone in the struggles of life. That no matter what position you hold in life, there will always be it’s ups and it’s downs. And just when you think you’ve stuck gold, turns out there’s a bear trap set next to it. Ouch! Actually it’s more like a mine field with bear traps and poison ivy, killer bees, pools with piranhas, and pumas just waiting to jump and tear you to bits.  Something like that. Then if by some miracle you make it and grab the gold, it falls away to reveal an empty lonely abyss. Making one think if it’s worth it afterall that. 
Socrates says:  “Life contains but two tragedies. One is not to get your heart’s desire; the other is to get it.”
I don’t know what’s worse.  Not getting what you want out of life or actually getting it. I can’t count the number of times I’ve wanted something, only to get it, and realize that I wish I hadn’t! Tragic realization. 

Just when so emoting becomes too concrete and the realization of the final chapter arises, I get scared. Like really scared. I panick. And I start to distance myself away from that thing. Be it a job, a person, or any sort of commitment. Most times it’s people that do it. The 6 Months rule. I’ve had it for as long as I can remember. 6 months and out. I never saw anything wrong with living life 6 months at a time. It kept me balanced. Kept me fresh. Kept me reinventing myself every 6 months. And it usually revolved around a new girl. Never got stale. The romance never really faded. It was that crazy movie kind if love for, in constant format. Only thing that it called for was change. Constant change. Anything over that and it felt like I stalled. And when I stall it’s like a plane stalling in mid air. There’s only one direction. And that’s straight down, rreeaaallllll quick!!!! And they was terrifying!!! So how does one deal with this and attempt to have a long term serious relationship?? That’s the billion dollar question.  I’m still trying to figure that one out. Im open to all suggestions. But then again all I keep hearing is, “you’ll know when you find it”. Bullshit!

Jan/12/2016

Posted: January 13, 2017 in Heart

​0500: 1x exhilarin, 2 drops d +k, 1 glass pineapple juice 

0700: 1x Timmie’s egg & cheese on croissant, earl grey tea 

0930: decaf coffee, toast & PB&J

1100: 1x T-Relief arthritis homeopathic pain reliever tablets dissolved under tongue 

1230: left over noodles and beef, salad with coleslaw dressing 

1400: 1x b3, 2x fish oil, 1x D-stress, 1x CoQ10, 1x carnitine 

1430: mango green tea 

Jan/11/2017

Posted: January 13, 2017 in Heart

​0420: morning stretches 

0430: 1x exhilarin 

0440: 2 drop d+k, 2x hcp30

0600: Timmie’s egg and cheese on a croissant, black tea, toast peanut butter jam, 

1000: vector cereal, almond milk, frozen wild blueberries, 2x fish oil, 1x CoQ10, 1x carnitine 

Jan/08/2017

Posted: January 13, 2017 in Heart

​1000: 1x exhilarin 

1300: pad Thai, basil noodles, green curry and rice, ginger lemon tea with honey, Portuguese custard pie

1600: black clove cigar

2030: cabbage roll, beef, bread, yogurt and cucumber, cheese, ginger lemon honey tea, cake mama made, rice pudding 

2100: 2x fish oil, 1x ALA, 1x carnitine, 1x CoQ10, 30 drops heart care (hawthorn) 

Jan/07/2016

Posted: January 13, 2017 in Heart

​0530: 1x exhilarin 

0600: left overs from last nights dinner, cold, but still amazing. Nothing like left over steak, potatoes, shrimp, and fried cheesecake in a waiting area chair Infront of a Starbucks at an international airport. Amazing. 

0700: grande decaf caramel macchiato, 2x L-theanine 
So here we go. Finally boarded. Sitting on am American airlines jet waiting for the final leg of my journey back home. Last night was on my epic scale of layovers. Mind you, I’ve only had 4 over nighters ever. Still, this was amazing. Come to think of it they were all amazing. San Salvatore had bread pudding. Atlanta had clam chowder. Dallas had steak. But Dallas had more than just steak. Everything about it was pretty amazing. The people, super nice, friendly, their accents were awesome. They just come off as so hospitable! Jolly almost. Went to aspen creek for dinner, on hard rock in Irving, right next to the country inn where I stayed. Drink was sweet iced tea. . .  Wow!! Real brewed tea, very lightly sweetened, superb!! The appetizer was pow wow shrimp. . .  Amazing!!! The main was a blue cheese crusted 10oz sirloin tip steak dine medium. . .  And let me tell you about this steak. . .  The best steak ive ever had in my life! Well if not the best then top 3 for sure. It almost needed to knife to cut, and just melted in my mouth! I mouth orgasmed over and over and over!!! The coleslaw was pretty damn fabulous too!! Equal if jot better then the best I’ve had, which was in Belize. And then. . .  There was dessert!! 2 pieces of battered, deep fried cheesecake!!!!!! With a huge chunk if vanilla ice cream, drizzled I’m caramel sauce and sprinkled with cinnamon sugar!!! Oh lord!!! Best best best meal I’ve had in as long as I can remember at a restaurant. And then the bill came. . . . $35!!!! Mind, blown!! I ate as much as I could and took the rest back to the room with me, which was about the same amount as I ate.  Unreal!! Had the best sleep at the country inn. One thing I’ll always Remeber is the smell! So fresh and clean and inviting without the nasty smell of harsh chems. What a great trip!!! Hahaha. Ate the rest of left overs this morning, got my Starbucks, did some laptop work while I waited to board. And now here I am, speeding down the runway, back to the best place in the world. . .  Home!! 
So a little off topic but I have to record this before it fades in my memory forever. The tropic air flight from San Pedro to belize city was pretty epic. I had my #zoneout playlist playing. Something amazing happened. I was present for almost the entire trip. It was sad. But yet felt so amazing. Maybe that’s why I avoided being present. There’s a sadness in it, but that same sadness is so freeing. Anyways, so we take off and make a brief stop in Caye caulker. Right before we touch down I see these 2 dogs running down the runway, same direction as us. We touch down and we’re speeding towards these dogs I’m just wide eyed watching this unfold. They look back, see us, one gives up right away, b-lines it off the tarmac. The other takes off, speeding ahead of us, tongue flapping in the wind, we’re catching up and he’s just booking it, he looked ssssooooooo happy. So free. So present. Loving loving every second of his life, racing airplanes, not a care in the world. So present. So one with the planet and everything in it. It almost brought a tear to my eye. Reminded me of the book “15 dogs” . Made me think if what it would be like to be present all the time. How amazing and epic every second would this life be. One with all. Nothing to “escape” from. Happy. Free. Always. 
2000: Chinese food from congee queen. Duck, congee, shrimp dumplings, beef noodles, rice roll with shrimp

2100: 1x carnitine, 1x CoQ10, 1x ALA 

Omg can’t keep eyes open. I feel drugged. Passing out hard. 

2200: peppermint oil and chamomile tea

Jan/06/2017

Posted: January 13, 2017 in Heart

​0624: last belizian sunrise for a bit. And what a glorious one at that. Visible for 6 minutes as it pulls itself out from the water to be seen for by those who choose to be present enough to witness it’s beauty. Then, she hides behind the clouds. Something most things with true beauty seem to want to do. But I got it. I got that time to witness this and it can never be taken away. Great night last night. Hustled all day, had a great time with everyone. Christie and I had the best talks around 1630 which lasted right thought dinner. Went out for dinner with Christie and had the best talks again. Same topic. Business, hustle game, strategy, life,  all the good stuff. Had delicious ceviche. Then went upstairs after we got back for one of the friends birthdays. Got to swing at a piñata, never done that before!! So that was pretty cool. Didn’t do anything to it, but still super fun. Had cake. Jokes alot. Then it was time to tell her what she means to US. One at a time we went. What a great practice. Then something weird. It flipped and she had to tell us what she saw in each of us. For me she said I had a big warm loving heart. I care for people and just want to help. I have purity in my eyes and have no hidden agenda.  And that I am connected to source. I loved it!!! What an amazing thing to say about someone!! Then she turned to Christie and told her that she’s very lucky lol. Amazing right?? Loved it. Great night. Come back down, showered, and cuddled to sleep. Woke up and had a little cuddle sesh for 10min and now here I am. Watching a beauty of a sunrise as I cage my thoughts on this digital paper in one of the most beautiful places in the world.  Truly blessed.  
0630: 1x exhilarin, 2x probiotic, earl grey tea with PSL creamer and honey 

0730: 2x l-theanine, 2x fish oil 

1000: fryjack, watermelon and orange juice 

2200: shrimp, steak, potatoes, fried cheesecake, Icecream, iced tea 

2230: 1x CoQ10, 1x potassium iodide 1x ALA 

Jan/05/2017

Posted: January 13, 2017 in Heart

​Yesterday was a good day. Seems like as the days tick by closer to my departure from this place the better the mood I’m in but the sadder I become. The reality of the shortness of time that’s left here makes things real and puts things into perspective. I sit out here on this beautiful patio, my favourite cigar on one had sipping on a delicious tulsi chai masala tea with condensed milk watching the sunrise. I can’t help but deeply appreciate the splendour and the beauty that is before me. These little moments make it all worth while. All the fighting, all the stress, all the distress, the anguish and heartache. It all becomes with it. The country I’ve always wanted to visit is not another home. And I couldn’t have done this without her. She’s the gateway to all this. And with extreme disturbance comes extreme tranquillity. The scales must balance. Always. 1 more sunrise like this and back to the frigid cold. The monotony of the job I endure for money. The only consolation is the people. The people I get to go back to is the only thing that give me joy. My family, my friends. The possibility. 

New years eve we were on a sail boat watching the fireworks, right before the new year was ushered in we were asked to write down the possibility that we are creating for the new year. Mine was subduing my self gratification monkey, Maurice. Put all my efforts into ending or at least curtailing procrastination. Getting my inventions off the ground. Making those lists I’ve wanted to. Enrolling in the stocks I’ve wanted to buy. New hobbies. New beginnings really. I’ve got a long list of things I’ve wanted to do and just have not gotten around to it. And yet time had not waiting for me. I’ve said for a long time that at 35 I’d like to retire. Or at least have the possibility of retiring. Well with this girl it’s possible. I’ve got the ability now. It’s time to take things to the next level. Take what I’ve always wanted out of this life. Give it back to the ones that mean so much to me. And now the token has come for me to stand up, and execute!
0630: 1x exhilarin, tulsi chai masala tea w/condensed milk and honey, 1x el guajiro

1500: shrimp burrito, 1x ALA, 1x carnitine, 1x CoQ10 

2200: shrimp ceviche, 2x L-theanine, 1x b complex, 1x b3

Jan/04/2017

Posted: January 5, 2017 in A-Fib, Heart, Random Rants, Trials of Life
Tags: , ,

0330: woken up for a fight. She lost her ring I gave her for Christmas. She can’t sleep. So why should I right?? She tells me about it. In my sleepy vulnerable state I thought that I could speak freely. Speak my mind. Speak from the heart. I blabbered on, cause that’s just what I do. I felt really good. She wasn’t arguing or saying anything in return. I thought maybe she was asleep! Turns out she wasn’t. She was just holding her tongue. And then she spoke. And then we fought. And fought and fought and fought till about 5am. Why? If I try to show or teach her anything I’ve learned in my life, me being 10 years older, she sees it as me putting her down. And for her, she was t’s to be “equal or above”  so that’s fine. I tried for so long to tell her I don’t see anyone as above or below. We all on the same level ground. But so many have taught me growing up and I wanna give that to her so she had this valuable knowledge that I wish I had been told years earlier. Not for change, but to just have it. Take it. Use it or not, that’s up to you, but let me speak it. It’s the #1 thing I crave. For me it’s self expression. If I can say what I want without having to think and rethink about it for fear of it being the wrong thing to do, then I’m happy. That’s why I feel in love with her in the first place. We spoke for 3-4 hours every single day! She let me talk and talk and talk. I melted. I was in so much love. I flew to Not her country for her cause I loved it so much. And now, I’m being asked to not. Not talk, not teach, not show, not have any self expression for fear that it might piss her off and cause her to resent me cause it might comes off as me putting her down or invalidating her worth or controlling her by “telling her what to do” . So that’s that I guess. I’ll just stuff it inside. Or learn to deal with it some other way with some other person. The complete girl I’ve always wanted and thought she was at the beginning, turns out isn’t her. And in that I realize that my vision of the complete girl is off. She really doesn’t exist in my realm. Not in this life. Why be a single bachelor so far? What’s the point, the one I want doesn’t exist in this life, so why chase her?  It’s like chasing after a sasquatch. To all those that have found the perfect one for them, I say. . . I’m super happy for all you. Your lucky and blessed. For the rest of us, we either settle or live a lonely life. Going from relationship to relationship, cold hearted. Waiting for the day when the director yells CCUUUTTTT! And then it’s a wrap. Enjoyed or not, it all had to end eventually.
0700: 1x exhilarin

0730: 2x probiotic

0735: tulsi chai tea

1130: 2 drops d+k, 1x ALA, 1x carnitine, 1x CoQ10, 2x fish oil, earl gray tea

1900: 2x l-theanine, 1 x complex, 2x b3

2100: lobster ravioli, virgin ceasar

2200: 1x digestive enzymes

2245: 1tsp calm magnesium
Amazing dinner out at victoria house. Great food, amazing atmosphere, amazing people around. Super cool. No fighting. Laughing the whole time. Truly made the entire trip worth it. Lots and lots of laughs.  We jokes around like we were kids. So super immature and yet so much fun. Made fun if each other, laughed, joked, we were totally in our own world. Felt super appreciated by the crew around for all the world we are doing here on the island, making people lives better, enriching them, empowering them. Felt at peace. Clear minded. Happy. Joyous. Surrounded any friends. What a great night. And the “lobster in a blanket with his friends camping” dish was pretty good too. Oh and they make the BEST bloody marry drink EEVVEERRRRR!!!!!! Even if it’s a virgin.

Jan/03/2017

Posted: January 5, 2017 in A-Fib, Heart, Random Rants, Trials of Life
Tags: , , ,

0700: 1x exhilarin

0900: chai holy basil, coffee alternative

1000: beans, rice, spices, onion

1030: 1x CoQ10, 1x ALA, 1x carnitine

1100: protein pancakes, phytoberry, butter, syrup, banana

1600: blue raspberries poweraid

1700: cherry diet 7up
Feeling great today. Another day of no PAC’s. Great day for sure. No fights yet so no stress yet. Headache but that could be from too much sun yesterday and some dehydration. I been reading about ketosis and I’m thinking of doing some fasting and going on a keto diet, see how that plays out. As soon as i get settled back in Canada.
1745: 2x d+k, 2x fish oil, 1 scoop aminos, pollen, honey, D-ribos, taurine

Jan/02/2017

Posted: January 5, 2017 in A-Fib, Heart, Random Rants, Trials of Life
Tags: , ,

0900: 1x exhilarin

1000: coffee alternative

1030: acv and baking soda

1100: left over shrimp pizza and lasagna, 2 drops d +k, 1x ALA 1x CoQ10, 1x carnitine, 2x probiotic

1130: 1 scoop phytoberry, bee pollen, psyllium, chia, D-ribos, taurine
Today has been very different from yesterday. Got woken up for her to ask if u had cheated on her.  Why? She had a dream I did. Which pretty much set the tone for the day. Someone knocked on the door, asked for keys, she looks for a few  seconds, can’t find them comes and gets me to look for them. So I get up out of bed to look, only to find them right there in open view on the bench in the middle of the room. A blind person could have seen them. So I proceed to say that she need to learn to be more present, something that I always thought she lacks. Don’t get me wrong, so do I, and I made that very clear. But I’m aware that I’m not and I’m trying my best to be. Where she won’t even accept it a fight started about how I’m trying to change her and that I always try to teach her stuff and how I need to stop trying to elevate her and let he do whatever she wants and never say anything about it, just keep it inside and if she ever asks then I can say something. Even tho I’m in the relationship, I should not have the ability to speak freely Becuase it could come off as criticism and instead just keep my mouth shut and just love her. Now I think anyone reading this is gonna see the problem here. Lack of self expression = soul suffocation = an eventual end to the relationship. But she doesn’t see it. No communication = end of the relationship. But that’s good for her as long as she’s not made to feel like her ego is getting stepped on. So starts the beginning of the end. It’s too bad that she won’t be able to see it till it’s all over.

1300: 1 tsp Moringa, 1tsp turmeric

1600: 1/2 #2 cigar monte Cristo

1830: 1x D-stress

1900: tea: matcha, holy basil, some fruity smelling loose leaf tea from Teavana

2100: grouper, baked potato, keylime pie

2230: 25 drops Aussie trace minerals

2245: 1 tsp calm magnesium, 1x potassium iodide