Archive for the ‘Good Morning’ Category

There’s always a price to pay. Everything in this life will cost, nothing comes for free. I’ve had to give up a few things in order to get more. What I’ve had to give up was the safety and the comfort of security. But is that really a good bargain? That depends on who you ask, and when you ask. Ask me this months ago and I would have said that it was. As me a few years ago and I would have said, hhheeelllsssss no!! Ask me now and I’d say the same. What I gave up, security, was all an illusion. Cause it just goes to show that there is no such thing as security. Never. Nothing in this life can be a sure thing.

Before her I was seeing a beautiful, wild spirit. An artist. A partier. Someone who didn’t believe in working for the man. Owned her own business making custom jewelry. Lived in a chic apartment downtown. Truly a wild spirit. One that seemed untamable, yet her goal in life was to be married and have lots of children. Who could ask for more, right? But I wasn’t ready. Not for her at least. She seemed flaky. Someone they could not be locked down really. She wasn’t a sure bet. As happy as she made me. As horney as she made me. As fun as she was, there was nothing there to hold on to of substance for me. I made a lot of what she was doing or thinking wrong. She didn’t seem like she had her shit together. The moment I knew she was not a forever girl was the moment she said to me…. I fall out of love as quickly as I fall in love. And I was not gonna be the guy she fell out of love with. So while we were going out I had one girl add me to Instagram, gorgeous young blond girl. I saw her profile said she was going to work in Belize and I was planning a trip there. So I messaged her to see if we can be friends so I can have a friend when I was there. Innocent. We hit it off. We would chat every day for hours and hours. I couldn’t get enough of her. Made me smile from ear to ear every day. It was fresh, new, exciting. She really had her shit together. Wanted the forever thing. Has wanted it since she was 8. Marriage, long term, forever. Someone i could count on. A sure bet. Someone that was loyal, honest, successful. She was going places. She was the one I was looking for this whole time. So I bit. And yes technicly I was cheating entertaining this idea. I Remeber the first time we met I pretty much proposed to her. I have been anti-marriage and kids forever. She told me she wanted to get married but didn’t want kids. And I was in!! Later she changed her mind but that’s a whole other story. I must not digress. So the sure thing was here. So I bit hard. Only to find out a year after that we were breaking up and she was not in love with me. And this reason was cause of me. The things I did and didn’t do. So I tried so hard, fairytale hard, fought for the love. Got her back somehow. Only for her to fall out of love again. This time it had nothing to do with me. Her whole life was when she gets the man of her dreams then she will be happy. Well she got him. I was perfect, she said. Knocked it out of the park. But when she finally got the carrot on the stick, she wasn’t happy. Turns out marriage and kids was not what she was even looking for. Rude awakening. For the both of us!!

The moral of this story is that nothing is a for sure thing. And you have to give to get. What I had to give up was everything I had in mind as where my life would go. Give up sex. Oh yeah she’s a virgin. That might explain some. Give up the way I thought kids would be raised. Give up a lot of family stuff. Give up the things that made me light up, like rambling on about some stupid subject only I care about. She dislikes rambling. Dislikes anything airy fairy. There as a lot more but I don’t want to slander as we have agreed to remain friends and not defame each other. So I gave up. I gave up so much of myself that I started to feel dead inside. Depressed. I said to myself that on the second go I’d do everything I could so that if it ends I won’t say I didn’t try and give my 100%. I did stuff I didn’t want to do. Fake. And it was no way to live. In return for what? Someone to always be there. Someone to message in the morning when I wake up, before I go to sleep. Someone to tell me they love me constantly. Constantly reassured. She would always say… Oh I love you! And I’d say it right back. It was nice. Comfortable. Safe. Warm. But I had to give up a lot.

So now we are done I have had to give up some more. But this time it’s for something else. I have had to give up my hand being held in life. The comfort and safety of a harbour. No more messaging all the time. Someone else will be doing that. Our messages will be that of friends. No more “oh I love you”. No more BABE! In that cute way she would say it. No more safe harbour. But what do I get in return? So much more. For one I finally get to have sex again! It’s been a while lol. I don’t know how I held our for that long without cheating. But I would have done anything for her. I get to devote my time not to her, but to me. My time was spent driving back and forth 3 hours each way to where she lives. Spending hours in the phone listening to her complain, telling her she was right and that it’s all gonna be ok. I get to spend more time with my family. More time with my friends. I get to find myself and look deep inside, find that thing in me that keeps me held back. Like my fear of failure. My fear of being alone. My making everyone wrong. Figuring out why I have the need to argue my point till the other person lost interest and exited the conversation. I get to have the male energy back that I lost with her. She is prone to having male energy but loves being in the feminine energy. That would rarely happen when with me. When I’m with someone I care about I soften up for them. Open my heart, do it every time cause I think it’s safe. Something most men will not. At heart, men are full of emotions. But we hide it behind a hard shell. An exterior that’s all masculine. But it’s not real. Somewhere down the line we got hurt and turned into real douchebags. And forever since, we have been hiding behind the facade. With her I dropped it. With the ones I want to make part of me, I drop it. I’m able to check my ego hard. I’m present to both energies. Im labeled as an androgen. If you saw me you’d think…. Wow this guy must be a douchebag. But you meet me and I’m actually nice, charming, sincere, honest, and the list goes on and on. But to the ones I love I’m a sweetheart. I put all that aside and show my heart. She was just not ready for that. So she’s out chasing and being chased by douchbags like myself cause that’s her type. The only thing I can’t do is give her the experience of life that is to be had young. “the slut phase”. Now she’s a virgin so her slut phase will be tame to say the least. Dates. Dancing. Partying. Texting. Highschool stuff. But it will be healthy for her. She will get to see what life has to offer when your not looking at men as just the thing to marry so that your not scared of being alone. This will allow her to ease up in life. Realize that life isn’t so serious. So for that I’m happy. And I get to keep her in my life, but just in another capacity. We still get to hangout. Still message, but not as often. And for a short time, still fool around.

In the end I really come out of this as the winner. I get to keep the absolute best parts of her. While getting to be out in the world, meeting other woman. Exploring life again. Learning more about myself. Something I have been blind to for so long. Focusing on being the success that I have always wanted to be. Taking responsibility for all my actions. Learning to have more integrity. Being unleashed again on this world.

OK, rambling lol. Once again, the moral of this story is that you need to give to get. What I wanted from her I couldn’t get without accepting some things I didn’t want to. And now what I get, I have to give up some other good things. I have to give up something to get something else. But really I come out of this as the winner, even if it’s not about winning or losing. And for once I get to do the work to not being afraid of being alone. Not afraid of failing. Not make others wrong and push them away. Who the hell wants to be around someone who constantly tells them they’re wrong. I see it when I go back home. My parents have been married for almost 50 years and only till after my parents were married did my mother realize that she resents him huge for making her wrong all the time. They have a miserable relationship now. I don’t want to be that. And I know I resent her already. Cause of all the things I make her wrong for. This might sound bad, but when she had her health scare all I could think about was….. See I fucking told you this would happen if you keep putting garbage into your body! I don’t learn this the first go. And obv didn’t learn it the second go. She was just wrong. She was wrong for breaking it off, and now she was wrong about eating what makes her happy to eat.

Ask yourself, would you make a person wrong if you knew they weren’t gonna be in your life forever? The answer will probably be, NO. Now that comes from a place of not giving a fuck. But what looks like that too, is love! True love is a space where someone can fuck up and do whatever they want and learn and grow. Now in a relationship that’s going to last, you can’t just do whatever you want cause there’s a whole other person that will be affected by your actions. So although love is free, reality will always catch up and be a factor.

So for now, the only way to get the thing that looks like love, is to get the thing that isn’t. The thing where people just don’t give a fuck about you. It’s fun, it’s light, and no one will ever tell you what to do. And for someone that has a huge huge hhuuggeee issue with being told what to do, that’s gonna be just perfect!!

For me…. Well the journey begins again. On the hunt. But not for a woman to make me feel secure or safe or that I have succeeded. But the hunt for myself. The hunt for my freedom. To find the holy grail of self. Be in touch with my higher self. The one that has no fear. The one that is not affected by circumstances. That one that is perfectly ok with being alone in this world. The one that’s responsible for their own success or failure. The one that is calm and cool in the face of all adversity. Unshaken. Unafraid.

I shall leave you now with something Seneca said…

“The happy man is not he whom the crowd deems happy, namely, he into whose coffers mighty sums have flowed, but he who’s possessions are all in his soul, who is upright and exalted, who spurs inconsistency, who sees no man with whom he wishes to change places, who rates men only at their value as men, who takes nature for his teacher, conforming to her laws and living as she commands, whom no violence can deprive of his possessions, who turns evil into good, is unerring in his judgement, unshaken, unafraid, who may be moved by force but never moved to distraction, whom fortune when she hurls at him with all her might the deadliest missile in her armoury, may graze, though rarely, but never wound. For Fortune’s other missiles, with which she vanquishes mankind in general, rebound from such a one, like hail which rattles on the roof with no harm to the dweller therein, and then melts away. ”

Goodnight.

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As the day progressed, the clouds formed, the sky’s darkened, the fog descended, and the gloom was overwhelming. By the time the day ended and turned to night, the air was so waterlogged that dew formed rain drops in mid-air and dropped out like tears from a giant eye, seemingly out no where. By the time dawn broke rain, was upon us in all its glory and sadness as if the heavens were weeping in sorrow of what just transpired.

And what just happened was the finalization it the final chapter of a book 2 year in the making. It’s been one helluva book, that’s for sure. Moments of glory, of pain, or sorry, or happiness, of hope, of a bright future and of death. It’s had it all. As they say, we laughed and we cried. And then in the end, it ended the same way it began. But with that said, we both walked away with bags of knowledge and experience. And experience being the most valuable “thing” anyone could ever hope for, something sometimes money can’t even buy. Simply priceless.

I arrived at her building to the soundtrack of Push me to the edge by lol uzi. How befitting….. “Your the worst, your the worst….” Lol. No plans to go up but she’s not ready so I did. Felt a bit awkward, reminiscent of the last breakup. By the way, something that seemed so foreign now. I Remeber trying to Remeber the sorrow I felt then and I couldn’t. I wondered what that feeling felt like and how I was a mess, a puddle of emotions, and yet now things are good I couldn’t even recall what that felt like. Well, some have come flooding back. It’s kinda hard not to allow them in. But what they is, “what resists persists” so holding them back will on keep them coming. So I have to embrace and do the incremental work to get back to where I want to be. Alive!!

So we chat, she gets ready, we go for coffee. Hit 2 diff coffee houses. Nice places, and we talk. The second place has an art gallery in the back so it was cool sitting on a bench in the gallery drinking a London fog while she sips in some prosecco in a champagne flute while people walk around us and we’re talking about the end of a relationship. Very different. We go for all you eat sushi. Lots and lots of talking. Get back to her place. Have our weekly landmark group call. Then sit down to create the next chapter. Last time I thought I fkd up, I shorted her big time and was the worst. So I needed to try hard to get her back so I can prove to myself that I can do better. Well I did that. She came back. I pulled out all the stops. There was nothing more I could do without devaluing myself to a level I couldn’t live with. I know in my heart there was nothing more I could do without actually changing myself. And it still ended so I can walk about clean. The crazy part is that even tho she wanted all that, that’s not what was needed. What was missing for her were the things I couldn’t change. My fundamental self. They way I am. The things that make me me and give me joy. For example, she wants the super masculine quite guy who will just listen to her when she needs to talk. I can’t be that, I fkn love to talk!!it brings me so much joy in life to blabber on and be heard. When my words can make a difference in someone’s life. That makes me so happy. It actually energizes me and gets me wired where I can’t even sleep! Also, someone that will make her laugh all day every day. Granted I can be funny but I’m not that guy who’s always cracking jokes. I like being silly and goofy sometimes and I do love jokes, but I can’t keep it turned on all day. Some can, it’s who they can be, and I can’t be that. Our humour is not the same. She loves family guy and I think it’s dumb. We do laugh about the same things a lot of the time but not all the time. I don’t like being serious all the time but I do like being effective. I’m not that guy and honestly don’t really wanna be. She said it like 100 times that she might be being immature and making the biggest mistake of her life, but she has to go out and see what she can attract. And she’s not ready for long term. She hasn’t had enough fun yet and if she settles down now then her wants will be wandering and that will always lead to no good. She still thinks in such a way that can only come from the kind of someone still in their early 20’s. I know I was there and I can relate for sure! So I can relate and I totally understand and know that since I did everything I could possibly do without changing my core self…. Then that’s it.. We both agreed it really wasn’t me and really was her. In every way lol. And that left me settled.

So we created. We formulated a way of being that we are going to take on that will allow this transition to work. Neither of us want to end it but in light of her thoughts and her feelings, there can’t be a way we can continue with the status quo. After much discussion we come to a conclusion that we were both in it for the wrong reasons. And if we’re being honest about it, I didn’t want to admit it or face it but after we got back together for the second time, shortly after I started feeling more and more dead inside. I thought to myself at one point….. Is this how I’m going to be feeling for the rest of our lives?! I could find no joy in anything. At times so depressed! Nothing that made me happy before made me happy then. It wasn’t good. BUT…. it was safe, it was secure. But is that a good enough reason to stay in a relationship? Not likely. The crazy thing is when we are not committed to each other in a serious relationship, we are such better people! We have so much fun together, we laugh at everything, the physical is on fire!! And as soon as we’re back in it, it’s like death! So it really is for the best. There’s nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone that makes you feel dead inside. This is wwwaaayyyyy better!! So for a short time now we will carry on in the new method of being with each other. We will see other people. We will for a short time continue to be physical, for better or worse. And will phase it out. There’s no restrictions in place and if something changes for someone in terms of feeling and whatnot then we reassess and go from there. We might have to cut it off sooner than expected but who knows. At some point one if us will want to exit to persue something serious, but for now, here we are.

So I left her city on a night that was gloomier than any other I have experienced while with her there. Felt heavy. Sad. But the rains always make way for the a fresh new beginning. So here we are. Scared. Excited. Unsure of my footing. But brave enough to know that there’s something great ahead! In whatever shape or form it’s in. For now, no dwelling on what’s Not so (what I don’t want or don’t have) and start focusing on what is (what I want to manifest). For now, I’m sad and yet settled. It’s a good day to be alive.

Daily Affirmation: Theres an unlimited stream of well-being in the universe, and it flows constantly towards me.

There’s something to be said about drinking a warm delicious cup of tea first thing in the morning. For me there’s nothing like it. Pu’ehr has pretty much become my go to now thanks to @timferris. I’m working my way in to his “Titanium Tea” but that’s still some ways off it seems. Not sure why other than I havent taken action yet. I’m a big fan of just drinking the tea. And what I mean by just drinking the tea, I mean JUST DRINKING THE TEA and nothing else. And by nothing else I mean meditating. something that I’ve been into now off and on for some time. Well ever since I started having massive panic attacks and couldn’t get rid of them.  Thank goodness for good friends who’ve traveled the world. Brendan Lloyd you’re an amazing person, and I have to give it to you for playing a massive role in my life. Even though I’ve been a pretty shitty friend and didn’t even make it to you wedding, I still hold you in super high regard, up there on a pedestal of people of have seriously influenced me and altered the course of my life. As you can tell I’ve taken on a new approach with writing these blogs. They really are just going to be #randomrants from now on I think. No rhyme nor reason to them other than to spill my thoughts out on to the world in the hopes of doing as much damage to the status quo as possible. And yes you’ll hear me go on and on about Landmark, the Forum, the Advanced course, and the seminars. And thats because #landmark has had such a huge impact on my life that its altered the axis on which my world spins. Even though that rotation is ever so slight, its enough to cause the butterfly effect on all aspects of life, mine and those around me. And now you, my beloved reader. You are family now and as such I will tell you I love you from time to time in an effort to convey my appreciated and affection to you, who has taken the time out of your day to take my words and allow them into your life, for whatever its worth. And I thank you for that. 


Vivere Fortis, Nihil Timendum Est