Archive for September, 2011

How do you find your faith?

Posted: September 5, 2011 in Trials of Life
Tags: , ,

Faith, its quite and interesting thing. Faith will make you believe you can fly. Its said that when you know the truth, it will set you free. I think it would be better said that if you have faith, it will set you free.

I’v been going through a lot of drama the past couple months. Battling some demons I’v had to face before. I thought I had them licked, but to my surprise its like they gathered up steam and came at me full force. And once again, I don’t seem to have the faith to know that I will win again.

My story goes back a ways. From time to time I will attempt to touch on it, but describing it in full is going to be difficult. But I am doing this in the hopes that maybe it will help someone else out there who is going through the same thing. I hope.

A brief summary:

About 3 years ago I first started experiencing anxiety and having panic attacks. Not the best feeling in the world haha. It took me a good few months before I even know what it was. At first I thought it was physical. Got my heart checked out, over and over. Went to every specialist, wore monitors, did stress tests, and nothing. Perfectly healthy. Then I thought maybe its my lungs. So i went through all the hoops for that, from X-rays to ultrasounds. And nothing still, perfectly healthy. You name it, i did it. Every possible blood test, urine test, std test, ultrasound, scope, whatever I could think of, I did it. And still nothing. Then one day I went to see my cousin that I haven’t seen in a while. So we got to talking and I told him I have something to confide in him. So I started to tell him. Before I could even finish, he stopped me and said: I’ll tell you exactly what you have.  So I’m like, OK Doc, what do I have? Hes like, take it from someone whos had every diagnosable desiese on the face of the planet. You are having anxiety!! I remember saying, I really hope your right, that its all in my head and not in my body. If thats the case, then I can easily deal with it. Let me just say this, be careful what you wish for! Lets just say that I didnt know what I was wishing for. Well once I realized its from the mind and not the body it definitely took a wild turn. So for the next year, I struggled with this issue that I have never dealt with before. Something in my mind that was making me feel weak, lose faith in myself, lose faith in God, feel hopeless, fearful, sad, angry, mad, depressed, frustrated, and the list goes on and on. I ended up losing friends, a great job, you name it.

Then, with some research and a lot of help from friends I found ways to start to heal.

1) Lots of faith In God that He will help. And He sent me many omens and many signs to keep me going. I do remember that I needed lots of help to have patience.

2) Talking about it with some one who cares. Many nights spent with a few close chosen friends telling them how I feel, what I’m going through, releasing my emotions, crying, whatever it took.

2) Meditation. Without this, I can honestly say I would not have found my way back.

3) Exercise. Gym every day, running, yoga

4) Writing about it. Kept a journal that I would write everything in. Especially feelings.

5) Went back to school. Its the one thing that I know really well. You have to fill your mind. Thats one of the most important things ever!! An empty mind is a dangerous thing. Especially when one is enlightened but not enlightened enough to know how to use their knowledge, to use their brain power for good.

Now combine all that into one powerful force and watch what happens. Well I’ll tell you what happens. It fixed everything.  I remember talking to an amazing friend named Kim. This girl has been through hell and back. And she told me some amazing things. Wish she was still around to tell me what I need to know this round. But anyways, I asked her if I’m ever going to be able to get over this. She said, you will, but you will not feel that your making any progress. The only way you’ll know is when you have already conquered it. After its all said and done, you will look back and realized that you went through this dark dark tunnel and you made it out into the light. And it will make you a better person for it. And it will almost seem like a dream, like a past lifetime, like a distant memory. and she was soooooo right!! I remember telling people going through similar situations how I was there in their shoes and how I dealt with it and how I made it through with flying colors and how its made me a better person.

And then it happened again !!!