Posts Tagged ‘#love #heart #girl #girlfriend #breakup #emotion #sad #heartbreak #truth #sorrow #sadness #pain #reality #new #life #yougetwhatyouwishfor’

What do I say? I’m not really sure anymore. I’ve said a lot. Around 4pm she called and told me she wants to break up with me. Again. We talked and got to why she wants to. This time it’s not with me and that’s for sure. I’m the perfect man and make the perfect husband and father, but that’s not what she realised she wants. Not to be in a relationship, not to be a wife. Not to be committed. There’s reason that I won’t go in to, but that’s really the bottom line. She loves me but is not in love with me, and was back in it for the wrong reasons. Ok, understood. She hadn’t seen much of life and has no idea how to compare what’s good. When you’ve had the best in life you never really know. The laws of supply and demand. I ou can’t truly know the value of a diamond when you have bags of them sitting in the corner of the room. I’ve given her the world and everything in it. I’d launch a thousand ships for her, but the value of it can be understood but never really felt. Never to have an impact the way it should when you think anyone would.

So we talked and that got me to a place where I could understand it. But I was not good with it. I am hurt and that’s a fact. So I reached out to some friends who were there when I need them, bless them for that. Then out of the blue my long time friend Jay came by. Haven’t seen him in forever and just like that he messages at the perfect time. So he comes by and we talk for hours on end. It’s 330am and he finally had to go home but it made me realize so much. I couldn’t have made it to this point so fast if not for that. I wrote stuff down but the impact of this was priceless. And what I realized is a miracle. I realized that LOVE to talk!! Like a lot!! And not just talk but actually be heard and appreciated, have my words appreciated for what they are. Insightful and meaningful. Words that get the brain flowing, stuff that makes one think and ponder. Analyze life and what I’m saying. I realize that that’s something I need and can’t be without in a relationship or a friendship. And that’s something i could never get with Christie in this relationship. That was a negative. My ramblings were something to be stifled cause they were not useful. So I made myself wrong about it. Like it was something I needed to change about myself. Something that needed to be gone in order to have better speech. But in reality, it’s who I am. And that’s not wrong!

We live in a world where everything is wrong. We make everything wrong. Everything. We live life from that space and are constantly thinking we need to change it become better than who we actually are, never to accept ourselves for who we really are, the miracle of life that we really are and all we have to bring to the table. Why on earth would I want to spend my life with someone who cannot see and appreciate that? How crazy shitty of a life would that be to never really be fully appreciated for who you are but more for who you can be to someone else? Being something for someone comes in 2 forms. The crutch and the stand. Something I also learned tonight. Although they may overlap in many aspects, they as re worlds apart. A crutch is used as a stand but a crutch is not stable. Can be tossed around, thrown down, used and gotten rid of, and if you let go of a crutch it just falls down. A crutch needs you as much as you need the crutch. A stand on the other hand is solid. It’s always there. You can use it to prop yourself up when needed but it doesn’t need you to stay strong. Doesn’t need you to be there. A stand will always be there, strong, upright whether your there or not. You leave and come and the stand is still standing there strong and regal. Being a stand for someone is good, healthy, for both. Being a crutch is unhealthy for both parties. No one does any good with a crutch. The crutch gets used and discarded when not needed. And when used long enough your limbs wither away till you can no longer stand without it. In a sense, something that appears to be good for rehabilitation in the short term turns into something toxic in the long term. Only to be used again when needed. A very powerful lesson I learned today.

I also learned about being spoiled. Perspective I had not had for a while. When you have lots of something or have always had something so good you’ll never really know how good you have it. And you’ll never know how bad it is without it when all that’s out there is garbage. Always having new cars will never allow one to really know how good a car you have unless you’ve driven a beater to see how great things are in the new car, no matter how much the service costs. It’s the old, you never know how good you have something till its gone. And that’s what I’ve been doing this whole time. I’ve given her the world and she was willing to throw it away to see what’s out there in the world. And how can I make her wrong for that? I got to experience that, and she hasn’t. Now I don’t agree with it. But going back in time, that was me at some point. Although I understood doing something wasn’t good for me I still did it to see what it was like. And only after doing so much stupid shit did I want to not do those things anymore. I would have never wanted to be good if I had never been bad. I’ve always said that guys that lock down early in life end up cheating, they have never gotten their fill of the emptiness of the crap that’s out there to know how good it is to have the love of one good woman. I left a girl I had been seeing for her cause I was there and was at the point where I realized this. The girl I was with was too wild. Something fun for the short term but not for anything meaningful. This one was better cause she was willing to lock down and all her love to one good man. This ended last time, cause I thought it was me. It was me who didn’t give her all this. So I said if I ever get the chance to I’d do it right this time. And I did. She says I’m the perfect person to be in a relationship with. The perfect husband. I could have done nothing better and nothing different. But that’s not what she realizes she wants. So that’s it. I left the one that I thought was fleeting for a sure bet only to realize that there is no such thing as a sure bet in life. EVER!! And just when you think you know the rules of life, life goes and changes the game. It’s never about the destination and always about the journey. Always. She is a great person. But just not the great person that is for me. Not the one that will let me ramble on and on and actually appreciate what I’m rambling about. That will never be a thing. This leads me to conclude that she was in fact my crutch. I have this wild dream of retirement at 40 and she was my safety net. Even if I don’t make it on my own, I’ll make it because of her.

And that leads me to the big realization. That my biggest fear in life is the fear of being alone. Even more than being broke. Cause even if I’m broke and with someone I’m good. I can be scared but if I’m with someone I’m good. Always filling my time with stuff to do and people to talk to cause I just don’t wanna be alone. Some fear death, I fear being alone. And it’s something I need to come to grips with. It’s my demon. It’s like being lone is wrong and something that needs to be fixed. That’s a whole other thing though cause I tend to make a lot of things and people wrong. She is wrong for breaking up with me. When in reality she just did what she thought was right. Right or wrong it’s what happened. The story I make up is what’s wrong. I am not whole and complete if I’m not with someone. Something must be wrong with me if I’m alone. And I make that wrong too lol. I have not put in the work that it takes to get over that. I have not had my moment of shedding that baggage.

I’m grateful though, I really am. Even in my hurt I’m still grateful. God is self and self is love. Only the brain and its patterns make us do the crazy things we do. Why love a person unconditionally when they will not give you the same love back? Cause self doesn’t require anything. It has everything. It gives love freely without asking for anything in return. It doesn’t require thanks. Or anything. Nothing. Only the brain, the ego, all the machinery. That’s what needs it. Needs something in return. When the act of giving love is all self needs. Nothing given back. Love is always a stand for someone. The only thing is, will someone be occupying that stand when you need it?

We’re a stubborn species. We are who we are because we always need to find another way. We want to find out for ourselves and no one can tell us anything about how it is. I genuinely believe now that we are destined to waste time. The whole, oh had I known this I wouldn’t have wasted so much time. That not even a thing. That time MUST BE WASTED!! Life will never turn out if we don’t. We would not be here on this earth if we didn’t. We push the limits constantly, we test the boundaries. It’s human nature. It’s the human condition. I mean where would we be without it?! I dunno. Not here.

Yeah I dunno what to say right?! Lol. I have a lot to say. And I do this out loud. I think out loud. As good as she is a person it really was the right relationship for the wrong reasons. And I felt it too I just didn’t act on it. Why? I’d rather be in the wrong relationship as long as it’s a sure thing than go out and find the right thing. At some point I got scared. At some point I realized that maybe I can’t have everything I want. That chasing a fairytale is for Disney. The unicorn doesn’t exist. Oh and neither does Santa Claus. And it’s a sad reality to come to grips with. No matter what we have grown up with, we will always have good and bad. Bad needs to exist for good to. I loved her with all her crazy. All of it. Even if she woke up a 4, turned into a 9, and went to sleep a 5. It was all good. Total acceptance. I think that’s love. At least it’s the closest I ever been. I might not know what love is but I do know what it’s not. And what it’s not is what we think it is. Life is an illusion. Smoke and mirrors and then it’s the show is over. You can’t have it all. You can’t bet on all the numbers on the roulette wheel. Well you can but you’ll never get ahead. You have to take chances even knowing the outcome can be grave. It’s what life is. Just a big game of chance. You’ll never know till after. Everything is revealed in the end. But you can’t ever have a second chance. Cause even if you do get it, you’ll still do the same thing!! Every single time! It’s never about whether you win or lose but that your playing the game. The best you have to hope for is you make it out of this life with one person who you can trust with your life. Someone that will never stab you in the back. Love you unconditionally no matter what kinda crazy your in that day or week or year! A wise man once told me that if you make it out of this life with one true friend then your a lucky man. And I really get that now. I didn’t then cause I had like 10000 “friends” but I get it now. A hard lesson to be learned. So many lessons along the way of life. Hopefully they are not learned when it’s too late.

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You know what I loved the most about you? All the attention you’d give me. You loved me in all my ways. In all my insecurities. In all my bullshit. I didn’t give you all that you needed in this life. I wish I could have. I held back so much. I felt scared. Scared to be hurt. Scared to be loved. Scared of committing fully only to be rejected. I’m a big baby that just wants to be loved unconditionally. Without judgment. You tried to make me better. And I begrudgingly went along. Only to find a better me on the other side. But even that me still has his baggage. Still refused to adapt to the changes. To go along with things. To move on to a new better life. An adult life. One of having a family. Being a father. Being a husband. Just scared of the finalness of it all. Maybe I didn’t love you enough. Maybe I loved you too much. I can’t really be sure. Maybe I didn’t love you at all. I don’t know. Maybe I just couldn’t get over myself to see the amazingness of the future. Maybe I’m just scared. So many maybes in my life. I’ve been hurt too many times in the past. Left too many times. Abandoned too many times. Yet I thought I was all the way in. I did all I could. But I don’t know if I ever gave my heart fully. Fully embraced all that we were. I was scared. Scared that maybe your not the right one. Maybe that I’d be giving up too much. Scared of losing myself in the process. I know me, and I didn’t know this new person. Maybe I was just not over the past. Not over that I can have another that could potentially give me all I needed. I found flaws. Those flaws eventually led to me feeling alone, even when we were together. Right now I’m not sure what to do. I feel in limbo. Not ready to move on. Not able to go back. I feel so stuck. I’ve had so much to tell you and could never get the courage to say the words for fear of losing you. So much invested. So much time, so many emotions. So much of my life has been spent with you it seems that I don’t know how to move on. In reality I wanted this more than you did. I steered things this way. And I got it. I got what I wished for. Us as friends. And yet I feel so resentful at myself. At you. At the way things turned out. I’ve lost the attention you lavished on me that I loved so much. Did I really love you or myself? I’m not sure. Was I really in love with you or what you had to offer me. I’m not sure. I’m sitting in a place now of uncertainty. Something I had with you. I would have married you. I would have had children with you even tho I said I wouldn’t. But I would not have known if I was truly in love with you. I need our breakup more than you did. I needed to know what’s in my heart. With you I felt alone but I felt so loved. So loved that I was in the leave of security. I’ve never known love like the love you gave me. And now it feels like it’s all gone. Evaporated into nothing. The last year has been one helluva ride. We had amazing moments. We had sorrows. We had fights. We had it all. But now, things have changed. I know that in my heart I need to move on. That it can never be what it was. If we do ever decide to get back together in know I’ll never have you fully. I’ll always be scared of it ending. We have broken up twice already and I don’t know if my heart can handle a third. Remember how I used to say the woman I marry will have to take a blood oath. Blood in blood out. It’s for a reason. Yes I tested you. And you aced it every time. But I might have broken things by going too far. Overboard. And now I feel like I’m the one that failed. I’ve masterminded my own fate. My own demise. The fear of being alone that haunts me has be realized by my own hand. I’ve made this happen. And it can never be undone. My heart feels like it’s been shattered but not by you, but by me. Time and time again I’ve made it happen. And I did it again with you. Now we’re different people. I’m scared to love you for fear of abandonment. Something that you’ve showed me you can do. The attention you lavished me with is gone and it can never be restored. I feel like there will always be this hanging over my head. I’m so confused and so lost. And what’s worse I can never tell you these words. So I write them for the world to see. And yet the only one I want to read them cannot. The sad reality of my life. I need more Landmark to help me through these moments of my life. Will I ever love again. Will I trust again. I’ve been through this a few times and logic states that I will be. But in moments of dispare it seems like it’ll never happen. Things have always worked out for the best in my life. Meeting you was most definitely highlight of it. You’ve made me better, yet worse. Stronger, yet weaker. More alive and yet so dead. It’s the things stories are made of. Fairytales turned tragic. Romeo and Juliette style star crossed lovers never meant to be. And yet in it all I have so much blame. So much I’d wished for. If inky you jumped in with me every time you wouldn’t have ever regretted it. But you held back. Unsure if I was the one. If I can be with you on your journey. I felt so alone and in the cold. So on the outside of the relationship looking in at everything. Trying so hard to get in only to have the door shut on my face. I tried all the tools I had and no luck. I was unable break through the ice exterior to enter to the warm love of your heart. I tried my hardest. Failed over and over. I know that you have a ways to go before you are able to be “sweet”, if it will ever happen at all. But I’ve seen that sweetness and it’s guarded for a reason. It’s the stuff real Fairytales are made of and I wanted it. I wanted it all to myself and was so frustrated I couldn’t get it. I’m sad we broke up but at the time relieved that you get to discover your own self. I feel like I had a diamond in the rough that others didn’t know how handle. My gem. And now I feel like after all this self discovery you’ll be able to allow that lucky someone in. And it will not be me. Thwarted. Yet I also know that you’ll never meet anyone like me. And that makes me sad. Cause no one will ever be able to love you in your darkest moments. I stuck with you when you were at your worst in hopes that I’ll win you when your at your best. But my story tells me that I was just a passerby. Someone to come in your life and inspire the transformation that was much needed. The one who labour in the garden only for others to eat the fruit. And I should be happy. But I’m not. I’m still so self absorbed that I feel like it should be me eating the fruit and not those who got it so easily. Yet this is a great lesson in life. We work hard only for others to reap what we sow. Maybe that’s why I avoided children. They are the exact definition of that. We put in so much effort only for them to get easily the things we worked so hard for. And even though they may appreciate it, it still doesn’t cut it. This period in my life will be a touched by ‘sadness’ and this orb of core memory will turn blue. And one it’s blue it can never be undone. You tried so hard and I resisted so much, only to hurt msywlf in the end. I realize that now. And if I had a time machine I’d totally go back and do this again. I was asked today my a great man if only had 6 months to live, what would I do? Move on and be with someone else, or try to get back what I had. Faced with those options I chose…. “I don’t know’. He reveled to me his own story that he was running a racket in his mind saying…. Just decide already!!!! But after realizing his own rackets he later said that it’s such a brave thing to do, to hold a space in my heart for another human. And that I should be OK with that and not resent myself for it. Brave. He called me brave. And said that it’s OK to be where I am. And to just be with it. Embrace it. Realize the braveness of it. The courage to do something for another when they might need it the most. It made me feel really good. He remarked as to why people love to be around me. How it makes them feel good. My father always said that when God loves you He makes you the kind of person everyone loves to be around. I guess God must love me. He’s shows me he has time and time again. I’m just not sure if I love myself. PS. I never felt like you ever really cared for me and that you always cared more for yourself. And that just never sat right with me. That all the love and attention you gave to me were more about you than about me. And that story of mine has led us to this point in our lives. So much blame. So many stories. So many rackets.