So I’ve recently discovered that I have a huge racket about making others wrong, about everything. Being right and making others wrong is just the thing I do. And I’ll fight tooth and nail to make them see that my way is the right way, regardless of how it will make them feel. Which leads to them checking out of the conversation. And eventually checking out of the relationship. They just have to see it my way. And when they fight back it’s cause they just don’t get it so I try even harder to make them understand or see my way. So I talk and talk and talk till they get it. But usually they have already checked out. Last time this girl broke up with me I made it wrong. So I tried and tried and tried to make her see that it was the wrong decision. That I am the one that is right for her. Don’t yet me wrong, I think I’m pretty amazing. But always being the guy that makes you see that your wrong about every decision you make will negate everything good about me. I could be the most perfect man for any woman, but always telling her what to do and how she is wrong about what she thinks is the right thing to do will end any love that could be there. So I get her back, proving that I was right. And in the end it ended again because I was not right. She was not wrong. We are just not meant to be in a relationship. As friends maybe. But that doesn’t stop there. Even my friends I do this. Now combine that I need to be right with if I’m wrong I beat myself up over being wrong, failing, and that makes for one helluva combination.

I don’t care if someone around me is “wrong”, it doesn’t bother me. They are wrong and I make them wrong and then I “exit” by telling them they are right and leave it at that. Why bother, I say. But with one’s that are close to me, I need them to succeed, I can’t have them fail cause failing is wrong. So I do my best to get them to where I think they need to be so they don’t fail. I can’t even have failure around me. If my team fails then I fail cause I have failed them. I’m so deathly afraid of failure. I also have very real fear of being alone. But writing this now is making me rethink this. Cause I don’t fear being by myself. I love the peace of mind of it. But only under certain circumstances! If I have a gf then Im good. Why? Even if I don’t see her in a week or whatever. So makes me think. Is it really fear of being alone? Or is it more like fear of failing again? If I am alone then I have failed. I’m a loser. That’s why I go for the hot girls. They can be the best fit for me but I’d they aren’t hot then I have failed, only losers date ugly girl. Dating a hot girl is an indication of my success. Dating a hot successful girl is even more of an indication that I have succeeded. This last one was hot and successful (or bound to be). So I have made it. But when I made it and that fear subsidided, then I was back at the empty place again. Cause it wasn’t really her that I wanted. The things I want in a partner, she didn’t have them. Well not true, she had some for sure. But the key things weren’t there. I love having super deep meaningful conversation, mind blowing one’s. And all there was was complaints. Every call was about her complaining about something. Our talks didn’t light me up. Didn’t bring me true joy. She doesn’t like adventure. Doesn’t like scary thing. Didn’t like new experiences. Just wanted to get to something and stay there. And me I just want to explore. Get somewhere and then go do the next thing. Her goal was always the end in mind. Her whole life has been about getting married. Didn’t enjoy the journey. This last breakup I think is because she has come to the place where she is realizing that. And that why she needs to go explore. Date for the sake of dating. Not to get anywhere. Not to find a husband. But just to enjoy the company if different people. I have done that in life. As far as dating is concerned. So now I want to explore other things with that person. I think that’s the most basic, the starting point of exploration. People. Once that is done then we can go in to explore other things in life. Usually we do this in highschool, maybe even earlier. Then college. More exploring of people. Then after that we start exploring life. So how on earth can she ever begin the journey of exploring life when she was never even explored people. Not to say she has never dated, she has, lots, but it was always on the basis of finding a good candidate to be a husband. For the end in mind. If you fit the bill of being there forever, then your good. Always to somewhere. Never for the sake of just being here and enjoying that person for who they are. And this is her time. Late in life but I’m glad she is making that realization now instead of when she is 40 and dying inside. Ends the relationship just to go explore, something she should have done when she was in her teens or 20’s.

As far as I am concerned, I need to deal with my own now. I can’t change enough to show her that I am the one cause right now it has nothing to do with me. Nothing. There is no way for her to explore life in terms of other people when those other people are guys. That would not be fair to me. She is such a stand for me that she even said that. She can, but how fair would they be if we are dating and she is seeing other guys? My value will be greatly reduced. This really is the moment where, if you love something let it go. I have a real deep belief that what needs to happen will happen. And it’s always in our best interest, even if we can’t see it. This might seem harsh right now but I needs to happen. She needs this or she will be stuck in the same place forever. And I need this or else I will never learn to chill the fuck out! People will be people. They need to fuck up. They need to explore. They need to be themselves and figure stuff out on their own. They need space. And they need you to be that space sometimes so they they can maneuver and figure it out whitin that space of love. It comes from love. Nothing will kill love faster or harder then always needing to be right. Or making them wrong.

My realizations for the day are this…. I have a fear of failing. I have a fear of being alone. And I love in a pool of “something is wrong here”. Quite a dizzying combination. So what’s the solution? Well, nothing!! There’s nothing wrong with any of this. There’s nothing wrong with being alone, it’s the human condition. We are hard wired to find mates, partners, friends. We have evolved over so many years to be with others. To bond. That’s all. Also, fear of failure ultimately stems from “something is wrong here” cause failing is wrong. We have been told time and time again that we need to succeed. For years and years programmed that if we don’t get to a certain place in life then we have failed. And since then we been telling ourselves that if we don’t get to there from here then we have failed. But where is there exactly? What’s life all about? Succeeding or just enjoying the moments we have? To love. To be in love. To be this space where anything is possible and everything is ok. To realize that the carrot we chase will never ever be caught. The point is the chase. It’s not about eating. It’s about learning how to hunt. It’s all about the thrill of the chase, and never in the what we catch. Being proficient in the hunt, enjoying the hunt, only brings tastier and tastier meals. And that’s really it. We are born alone and we die alone is all we ever hear. But the truth of it is that we are never ever alone. We just can’t seem to get out of our own damn way to see this!

And for all the men reading this ( not to leave you out ladies), fear of failure and needing success is just who a man is. We don’t even have the option, we just have to perform (for our masculinity). But rest assured that if you take responsibility, then you can have success. It’s really as simple as that!!

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As the day progressed, the clouds formed, the sky’s darkened, the fog descended, and the gloom was overwhelming. By the time the day ended and turned to night, the air was so waterlogged that dew formed rain drops in mid-air and dropped out like tears from a giant eye, seemingly out no where. By the time dawn broke rain, was upon us in all its glory and sadness as if the heavens were weeping in sorrow of what just transpired.

And what just happened was the finalization it the final chapter of a book 2 year in the making. It’s been one helluva book, that’s for sure. Moments of glory, of pain, or sorry, or happiness, of hope, of a bright future and of death. It’s had it all. As they say, we laughed and we cried. And then in the end, it ended the same way it began. But with that said, we both walked away with bags of knowledge and experience. And experience being the most valuable “thing” anyone could ever hope for, something sometimes money can’t even buy. Simply priceless.

I arrived at her building to the soundtrack of Push me to the edge by lol uzi. How befitting….. “Your the worst, your the worst….” Lol. No plans to go up but she’s not ready so I did. Felt a bit awkward, reminiscent of the last breakup. By the way, something that seemed so foreign now. I Remeber trying to Remeber the sorrow I felt then and I couldn’t. I wondered what that feeling felt like and how I was a mess, a puddle of emotions, and yet now things are good I couldn’t even recall what that felt like. Well, some have come flooding back. It’s kinda hard not to allow them in. But what they is, “what resists persists” so holding them back will on keep them coming. So I have to embrace and do the incremental work to get back to where I want to be. Alive!!

So we chat, she gets ready, we go for coffee. Hit 2 diff coffee houses. Nice places, and we talk. The second place has an art gallery in the back so it was cool sitting on a bench in the gallery drinking a London fog while she sips in some prosecco in a champagne flute while people walk around us and we’re talking about the end of a relationship. Very different. We go for all you eat sushi. Lots and lots of talking. Get back to her place. Have our weekly landmark group call. Then sit down to create the next chapter. Last time I thought I fkd up, I shorted her big time and was the worst. So I needed to try hard to get her back so I can prove to myself that I can do better. Well I did that. She came back. I pulled out all the stops. There was nothing more I could do without devaluing myself to a level I couldn’t live with. I know in my heart there was nothing more I could do without actually changing myself. And it still ended so I can walk about clean. The crazy part is that even tho she wanted all that, that’s not what was needed. What was missing for her were the things I couldn’t change. My fundamental self. They way I am. The things that make me me and give me joy. For example, she wants the super masculine quite guy who will just listen to her when she needs to talk. I can’t be that, I fkn love to talk!!it brings me so much joy in life to blabber on and be heard. When my words can make a difference in someone’s life. That makes me so happy. It actually energizes me and gets me wired where I can’t even sleep! Also, someone that will make her laugh all day every day. Granted I can be funny but I’m not that guy who’s always cracking jokes. I like being silly and goofy sometimes and I do love jokes, but I can’t keep it turned on all day. Some can, it’s who they can be, and I can’t be that. Our humour is not the same. She loves family guy and I think it’s dumb. We do laugh about the same things a lot of the time but not all the time. I don’t like being serious all the time but I do like being effective. I’m not that guy and honestly don’t really wanna be. She said it like 100 times that she might be being immature and making the biggest mistake of her life, but she has to go out and see what she can attract. And she’s not ready for long term. She hasn’t had enough fun yet and if she settles down now then her wants will be wandering and that will always lead to no good. She still thinks in such a way that can only come from the kind of someone still in their early 20’s. I know I was there and I can relate for sure! So I can relate and I totally understand and know that since I did everything I could possibly do without changing my core self…. Then that’s it.. We both agreed it really wasn’t me and really was her. In every way lol. And that left me settled.

So we created. We formulated a way of being that we are going to take on that will allow this transition to work. Neither of us want to end it but in light of her thoughts and her feelings, there can’t be a way we can continue with the status quo. After much discussion we come to a conclusion that we were both in it for the wrong reasons. And if we’re being honest about it, I didn’t want to admit it or face it but after we got back together for the second time, shortly after I started feeling more and more dead inside. I thought to myself at one point….. Is this how I’m going to be feeling for the rest of our lives?! I could find no joy in anything. At times so depressed! Nothing that made me happy before made me happy then. It wasn’t good. BUT…. it was safe, it was secure. But is that a good enough reason to stay in a relationship? Not likely. The crazy thing is when we are not committed to each other in a serious relationship, we are such better people! We have so much fun together, we laugh at everything, the physical is on fire!! And as soon as we’re back in it, it’s like death! So it really is for the best. There’s nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone that makes you feel dead inside. This is wwwaaayyyyy better!! So for a short time now we will carry on in the new method of being with each other. We will see other people. We will for a short time continue to be physical, for better or worse. And will phase it out. There’s no restrictions in place and if something changes for someone in terms of feeling and whatnot then we reassess and go from there. We might have to cut it off sooner than expected but who knows. At some point one if us will want to exit to persue something serious, but for now, here we are.

So I left her city on a night that was gloomier than any other I have experienced while with her there. Felt heavy. Sad. But the rains always make way for the a fresh new beginning. So here we are. Scared. Excited. Unsure of my footing. But brave enough to know that there’s something great ahead! In whatever shape or form it’s in. For now, no dwelling on what’s Not so (what I don’t want or don’t have) and start focusing on what is (what I want to manifest). For now, I’m sad and yet settled. It’s a good day to be alive.

So you gave me something, you knew full well was bad for me, just because you couldn’t stand to see my heart breaking any more. I don’t even know what to say. Shivers, goosebumps, smile from ear to ear. That’s love. That’s really real true love right there. The only kinda love that can come from source, from God, from Self. The one that doesn’t ask for anything in return. Gives and gives freely. Gives without reservation, without justification. Just because it’s love that is what’s needed in that moment. The purest distillation of the essence of life.

Now I’m going to qualify…. By God I always mean God, universe, spirit, source, self….. You catch my drift. We have many names, use the one that revs your crank.

So your probably wondering what the fuck I’m talking about. Sounds like the ramblings of someone blowing cocaine all night. Some insightful shit right?! Well it is. But there was no cocaine involved here. Not even booze. Clean and sober and just fuckin high on life.

So we break up. I break apart. Just fly apart at the seems. Distraught and nothing in the world could help. I ask God… Correction, I make a deal with the ol man and I ask him that if he brings her back in my life I promise to do something. No answer. It gets worse and worse till I’m a mess. A fkn puddle on the floor. My heart was shattering, it was fundamentally changing who I was. So even though God knows full well there is nothing more to do other than to let me wallow in my misery, doesn’t let it happen. Gives me the very thing I need the least at the moment I need it the most. It was the only thing that could sooth me. I can only equate it to a child crying, begging his father to unground him so he can go see his crazy gf cause she’s leaving and if he doesn’t then she will leave him forever. As the father or older brother maybe is better, you know…. That’s fucked!! This girl is a head case and the LAST thing he needs in life right now is to go see the crazy bitch. What he really needs to do is let that shit go. But he begs and begs till he’s a mess. He’s not eating he’s not sleeping, it’s fucking up his life so hard. What do you do?

Well my heart would shatter in that moment and I’d know that I’d have to give in for the best of this child. Yeah they will be hurt by this chickenhead but what else is there to do? It’s not worth protecting someone from some pain when the act of protection will cause way more detrimental pain! That’s counter productive. You know what’s gonna happen. But love allows you to be a stand for that child. A space, a clearing for them to discover life in all its glory and all its misery. On their own without your interference. When they have been crushed by this monster (aka girl), they can come back and you can hug them and take care of them and they can grow up and wake up, realize, and thank you for being such an awesome father or brother. That’s love! Well one of the ways it manifests. Allowing a bad thing to happen to avoid an even worse thing from happening. Nothing wrong with the circumstance, something you can’t change, but how you feel about them is what you can change.

I have to admit, the last paragraph dropped off. I’m trying to express how I feel while Chuck Norris is kicking ass and saving baby girls from bombs on tv, so I’m kinda distracted now. I’m at my parents place in London, just came from a wedding that was life altering. How? I have been away from my fam for so long that coming back to everyone there, everyone happy to see me, how and who I was around them…. I loved that guy!! It felt like coming back home. In that moment when I walked into that huge hall full of our huge fam I was ON boy I was OOONNN!!! The lost prodigal son returned. I felt so good talking my native language. All the mannerisms and little tiny ways of saying things, that just lights my soul!! I sat down and listened to speeches and I was tearing up. Why? Not cuz my relationship is over. But cause I have wasted all this time in life playing in the kiddy pool messing with girls that have no culture, no class, bar stars even the best of them. Just a lowr class of being. Fuck this last one tells me, your the perfect man perfect in every way, your the man I’d wanna marry and have kids with and I love you to bits and my fam loves you and everyone single person around me even my parents and sisters and friends and blah blah blah are telling me I’m crazy….. But…. I realized I don’t wanna get married (after telling you I want to since day one) and I just need to be perused by other men, that’s what’s gonna make me happy and fulfilled right now. Are you fkn kidding me? Who the fk says that? Needless to say I’ve avoided the fam cause I loved dating these girls they will never accept my culture, background, fam values, and really…. Will never really be accepted by this monster fam as “one of us”. Now don’t get me wrong, no one will say anything and she will be treated amazing. But she just won’t ever be one of us. Won’t really fully grasp this life. Oh if ya didn’t know, by background is Mediterranean. I was born on a beauty of a beach in front of my grandma’s farm over looking the nicest part of the Mediterranean.

But really, the biggest thing is…. WHY THE FUCK would I ever wanna give a second (third) chance to a girl who tells me “I’m just not in love with you any more” days after thanking me for trying so hard to get us back together saying she’s the happiest she’s ever been, telling me the kinda ring she wants, telling her sister she’s ready to get married now, and the list goes on and on. Then a health scare happens, she does some death meditation, and next thing you know it’s 180 degrees. Needless to say, WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?!? Do I devalue myself that much? I’m willing to be suppressed just to have her? Be a person I don’t even like. Why the fuck would she ever like me if I don’t like me? But without her, I fucking love me!! Like an unhealthy amount. So catch 22 situation. With her I don’t even like who I am, don’t like life, don’t like paradise. It’s fucked. Ok now I’m really rambling.

Ok so one last thing. Back to the God thing. So we break up at like 4pm, by 5 I’m on the phone with Laura, Carla, and then Laura again. Good space of mind. Get great insight. Then out of the blue one of my bestest friends Jay calls me. I haven’t seen him in 6 months. “homie what are you up to”, I’m like “G come over”. 5min later he’s at my place. We talk till like 330am. Such insight. I was blown away. Best feeling. At the same time, this one random girl I wanted to hit for so long (and regretted not hitting it before during our break up) msgs and calls me wants to see me that night, do drinks and a night out. I don’t answer but I msg her and we gonna make some plans. Like wtf. How? No one even knows on social media we broke up. I haven’t even told anyone, everyone I told is out of town! I pull into the Timmie’s on the way to London, cute girl in the drive through literally blushed and was giddy handing me my drink. Granted I did flash her a million dollar smile. Today we do this wedding. This other girl I’ve wanted to get with for years and never really took the bait DM’s me, straight up, “you still dating that girl? ” I Reply with a simple “nope lol, wanna go out?” she reply’s with a “yes”. Done. A couple 😘 exchanged and I tell her I’ll msg her tomorrow to make plans. Like wtf!! God. The universe. Self. Giving not what I need but what I want. The hunger of a man that doesn’t even give a fuck is so fucking powerful that the universe itself is compelled, even eager to acknowledge!! Let that one rattle around in your head.

What do I say? I’m not really sure anymore. I’ve said a lot. Around 4pm she called and told me she wants to break up with me. Again. We talked and got to why she wants to. This time it’s not with me and that’s for sure. I’m the perfect man and make the perfect husband and father, but that’s not what she realised she wants. Not to be in a relationship, not to be a wife. Not to be committed. There’s reason that I won’t go in to, but that’s really the bottom line. She loves me but is not in love with me, and was back in it for the wrong reasons. Ok, understood. She hadn’t seen much of life and has no idea how to compare what’s good. When you’ve had the best in life you never really know. The laws of supply and demand. I ou can’t truly know the value of a diamond when you have bags of them sitting in the corner of the room. I’ve given her the world and everything in it. I’d launch a thousand ships for her, but the value of it can be understood but never really felt. Never to have an impact the way it should when you think anyone would.

So we talked and that got me to a place where I could understand it. But I was not good with it. I am hurt and that’s a fact. So I reached out to some friends who were there when I need them, bless them for that. Then out of the blue my long time friend Jay came by. Haven’t seen him in forever and just like that he messages at the perfect time. So he comes by and we talk for hours on end. It’s 330am and he finally had to go home but it made me realize so much. I couldn’t have made it to this point so fast if not for that. I wrote stuff down but the impact of this was priceless. And what I realized is a miracle. I realized that LOVE to talk!! Like a lot!! And not just talk but actually be heard and appreciated, have my words appreciated for what they are. Insightful and meaningful. Words that get the brain flowing, stuff that makes one think and ponder. Analyze life and what I’m saying. I realize that that’s something I need and can’t be without in a relationship or a friendship. And that’s something i could never get with Christie in this relationship. That was a negative. My ramblings were something to be stifled cause they were not useful. So I made myself wrong about it. Like it was something I needed to change about myself. Something that needed to be gone in order to have better speech. But in reality, it’s who I am. And that’s not wrong!

We live in a world where everything is wrong. We make everything wrong. Everything. We live life from that space and are constantly thinking we need to change it become better than who we actually are, never to accept ourselves for who we really are, the miracle of life that we really are and all we have to bring to the table. Why on earth would I want to spend my life with someone who cannot see and appreciate that? How crazy shitty of a life would that be to never really be fully appreciated for who you are but more for who you can be to someone else? Being something for someone comes in 2 forms. The crutch and the stand. Something I also learned tonight. Although they may overlap in many aspects, they as re worlds apart. A crutch is used as a stand but a crutch is not stable. Can be tossed around, thrown down, used and gotten rid of, and if you let go of a crutch it just falls down. A crutch needs you as much as you need the crutch. A stand on the other hand is solid. It’s always there. You can use it to prop yourself up when needed but it doesn’t need you to stay strong. Doesn’t need you to be there. A stand will always be there, strong, upright whether your there or not. You leave and come and the stand is still standing there strong and regal. Being a stand for someone is good, healthy, for both. Being a crutch is unhealthy for both parties. No one does any good with a crutch. The crutch gets used and discarded when not needed. And when used long enough your limbs wither away till you can no longer stand without it. In a sense, something that appears to be good for rehabilitation in the short term turns into something toxic in the long term. Only to be used again when needed. A very powerful lesson I learned today.

I also learned about being spoiled. Perspective I had not had for a while. When you have lots of something or have always had something so good you’ll never really know how good you have it. And you’ll never know how bad it is without it when all that’s out there is garbage. Always having new cars will never allow one to really know how good a car you have unless you’ve driven a beater to see how great things are in the new car, no matter how much the service costs. It’s the old, you never know how good you have something till its gone. And that’s what I’ve been doing this whole time. I’ve given her the world and she was willing to throw it away to see what’s out there in the world. And how can I make her wrong for that? I got to experience that, and she hasn’t. Now I don’t agree with it. But going back in time, that was me at some point. Although I understood doing something wasn’t good for me I still did it to see what it was like. And only after doing so much stupid shit did I want to not do those things anymore. I would have never wanted to be good if I had never been bad. I’ve always said that guys that lock down early in life end up cheating, they have never gotten their fill of the emptiness of the crap that’s out there to know how good it is to have the love of one good woman. I left a girl I had been seeing for her cause I was there and was at the point where I realized this. The girl I was with was too wild. Something fun for the short term but not for anything meaningful. This one was better cause she was willing to lock down and all her love to one good man. This ended last time, cause I thought it was me. It was me who didn’t give her all this. So I said if I ever get the chance to I’d do it right this time. And I did. She says I’m the perfect person to be in a relationship with. The perfect husband. I could have done nothing better and nothing different. But that’s not what she realizes she wants. So that’s it. I left the one that I thought was fleeting for a sure bet only to realize that there is no such thing as a sure bet in life. EVER!! And just when you think you know the rules of life, life goes and changes the game. It’s never about the destination and always about the journey. Always. She is a great person. But just not the great person that is for me. Not the one that will let me ramble on and on and actually appreciate what I’m rambling about. That will never be a thing. This leads me to conclude that she was in fact my crutch. I have this wild dream of retirement at 40 and she was my safety net. Even if I don’t make it on my own, I’ll make it because of her.

And that leads me to the big realization. That my biggest fear in life is the fear of being alone. Even more than being broke. Cause even if I’m broke and with someone I’m good. I can be scared but if I’m with someone I’m good. Always filling my time with stuff to do and people to talk to cause I just don’t wanna be alone. Some fear death, I fear being alone. And it’s something I need to come to grips with. It’s my demon. It’s like being lone is wrong and something that needs to be fixed. That’s a whole other thing though cause I tend to make a lot of things and people wrong. She is wrong for breaking up with me. When in reality she just did what she thought was right. Right or wrong it’s what happened. The story I make up is what’s wrong. I am not whole and complete if I’m not with someone. Something must be wrong with me if I’m alone. And I make that wrong too lol. I have not put in the work that it takes to get over that. I have not had my moment of shedding that baggage.

I’m grateful though, I really am. Even in my hurt I’m still grateful. God is self and self is love. Only the brain and its patterns make us do the crazy things we do. Why love a person unconditionally when they will not give you the same love back? Cause self doesn’t require anything. It has everything. It gives love freely without asking for anything in return. It doesn’t require thanks. Or anything. Nothing. Only the brain, the ego, all the machinery. That’s what needs it. Needs something in return. When the act of giving love is all self needs. Nothing given back. Love is always a stand for someone. The only thing is, will someone be occupying that stand when you need it?

We’re a stubborn species. We are who we are because we always need to find another way. We want to find out for ourselves and no one can tell us anything about how it is. I genuinely believe now that we are destined to waste time. The whole, oh had I known this I wouldn’t have wasted so much time. That not even a thing. That time MUST BE WASTED!! Life will never turn out if we don’t. We would not be here on this earth if we didn’t. We push the limits constantly, we test the boundaries. It’s human nature. It’s the human condition. I mean where would we be without it?! I dunno. Not here.

Yeah I dunno what to say right?! Lol. I have a lot to say. And I do this out loud. I think out loud. As good as she is a person it really was the right relationship for the wrong reasons. And I felt it too I just didn’t act on it. Why? I’d rather be in the wrong relationship as long as it’s a sure thing than go out and find the right thing. At some point I got scared. At some point I realized that maybe I can’t have everything I want. That chasing a fairytale is for Disney. The unicorn doesn’t exist. Oh and neither does Santa Claus. And it’s a sad reality to come to grips with. No matter what we have grown up with, we will always have good and bad. Bad needs to exist for good to. I loved her with all her crazy. All of it. Even if she woke up a 4, turned into a 9, and went to sleep a 5. It was all good. Total acceptance. I think that’s love. At least it’s the closest I ever been. I might not know what love is but I do know what it’s not. And what it’s not is what we think it is. Life is an illusion. Smoke and mirrors and then it’s the show is over. You can’t have it all. You can’t bet on all the numbers on the roulette wheel. Well you can but you’ll never get ahead. You have to take chances even knowing the outcome can be grave. It’s what life is. Just a big game of chance. You’ll never know till after. Everything is revealed in the end. But you can’t ever have a second chance. Cause even if you do get it, you’ll still do the same thing!! Every single time! It’s never about whether you win or lose but that your playing the game. The best you have to hope for is you make it out of this life with one person who you can trust with your life. Someone that will never stab you in the back. Love you unconditionally no matter what kinda crazy your in that day or week or year! A wise man once told me that if you make it out of this life with one true friend then your a lucky man. And I really get that now. I didn’t then cause I had like 10000 “friends” but I get it now. A hard lesson to be learned. So many lessons along the way of life. Hopefully they are not learned when it’s too late.

So it’s about a week into the new year and I’m finally getting around to putting some thoughts down on paper. I haven’t even been writing in my journal. I’ve fallen a bit behind on my routines that bring be peace. This is one for sure! 
So my mind has been preoccupied lately. Ever since the last week of the year, I got back into checking on stocks. Something of a hobby for me, but with the goal of becoming a day trader in time. I’ve dabbled a bit here and there but nothing serious. Last year before the breakup I had a few grand in some random pot and Blockchain stocks and was making some headway when the breakup happened. That’s when all the money in the world wouldn’t make me feel better if I didn’t have this girl back in my life. So I just gave it up and left the stocks in there. The last week of 2017 I checked on them and they had tripled. Which made me feel worse, not better!! Had they lost tons of cash I’d I tried, it was fun, and that’s that. But they didn’t. In fact, the ones I was watching…. Some has gone up 1000%!! Which made me want to get back in, but now I did t have the cash for it cause I was way over leveraged to get the house done. With the house not done yet, I still didn’t have the cash to transfer to get going again. So as you can imagine, I’ve been beating myself up about it. So much so that it’s creeping into my dreams and affecting my sleep and my mood in general. I’m greeting almost depressed lately. Like I failed. But not like I tried and failed, that I have no issues with. But more like I didn’t try hard enough. I missed the boat, missed the opportunity, the writing was on the wall and I ignored it! And now I’m kicking myself over it. Same feeling I got when we broke up. I wanted her back so bad, to try again. Try hard. Not take her for granted. Go back in time almost and try so hard. So if I fail I can say I gave it my 100% best! It that’s the case the I  can’t be upset. The thing that upsets me is that I don’t try!! I’ve never tried. I’ve always just skated by and not really tried that hard. And it’s always been scenting that’s bugged me. Wasted talent. I get really upset when I see others wasting their talent and it’s clear that it’s projection. It’s cause I’m upset at wasting mine. 

Also, I feel like I’ve been stifled. Held back. I have never been able to save so I could never invest. Something bigger at play. Self sabotage. Back when I was a child it was my parents or my brother. Someone else. But now it’s me. I stifle myself. I don’t try hard enough. I have 40 inventions I’ve come up in my head and yet have taken no action on even of them! An idea not acted on is the same as nothing! Nothing!! At this rate they will all come with me to the grave haunt me. Why have I not acted? I’m not entirely sure yet. Only guess is my character is not ready for that kind of cash yet. For retirement. I work now and I have an amazing job which I enjoy that makes me plenty of money. Had I saved up for a few years I would have been half way to retirement. Had I put the money in these stocks when I wanted to a few years ago I would be totally retired. Had I invested in the ones I wanted to months ago, I’d be half way there already by now. Yet my character is not allowing me to attract this type of wealth. I’m not ready to draw it in. 

Generally in life, things work out for me. Generally lol. Some things haven’t, but even those have gone exactly how they needed to go to get me to a better place. Even though I didn’t see it that way when they were happening. So the only thing I can assume is that this is another one of those things. I can’t know why. I could be that general, my family believes that stock markets are like casinos. In for one person to win someone else has to lose. And that goes against what we believe in. I do believe in a greater being, God, the universe, a power, whatever you call this being. And I believe that this being is always looking out for me. Could this be too much for me to handle right now? Could it be that doing it this way would be the equivalent of playing my bet on red and winning and walking away with a fortune only for it to hurt me down the road? Maybe. I’m just not sure. The one this I know is that I don’t want to lose. I don’t want to fail in life. I’ve always believed I’ve been destined for greatness. To be wealthy and help the world. A philanthropist of sorts saving the planet and its inhabitants. Am I too younge for this? Do I not have the ability to control all this right now? Would it drive me to doing bad ass shit where I would neglect my abilities? Not sure. But I know I always wanted to be rich younge. Drive sweet sports cars when I can enjoy them and not when I’m the old guy in the corvette. I never liked those guys. But can my character support this yet? I don’t know. I thought it could but it’s clear that it can’t.

Generally, I’m the type of person that starts the game and never finishes. And this is another one of those things. I started looking into the stock market but never finished. Never off the ground. I start a book and never finish it. So few do I ever. Most of them have bookmarks in them. I am also not focused. I want to do so many things that end up not doing anything at all! My father is the opposite. He starts and finishes everything. Never things undone. I’ve always wanted to be like him. Yet I value myself very little. Like I just can’t do it. Not good enough or not smart enough or whatever. Just not enough. And I for sure have a ‘not enough’ complex. There’s just never enough. Coming from a place of lack. We never grew up with lots of money so I’ve always wanted and couldn’t get. Then I got a job so I can have money to make my dreams come true. Instead of saving the money and investing and creating and inventing, I did nothing but have a good time. Spent like it was going out of style and never saved anything. I did buy a house so I guess that’s one thing I did right. Of course the GF, she’s definitely one thing I right. I have no doubt that we will be successful in the end and wealthy but I want it now! I always want it now. Short term vs long term. I have no patience and I’m learning all about it. 

I started reading this one book, recommended by the CEO of a very successful Corp the GF is a part of. Crazy enough, they invest people’s money and give then crazy amazing returns. As secure as anything is gonna be in this world with a 10% return. Obv this brings me back to blame as had I had the money saved up, I could have thrown then into the stocks I been watching, turned 10k into 100k, then that 100k into a million. Took that million and invested it with her @ 10% return and BBAAMMM!! 100k a year to live on! I wouldn’t quick my job but I’d have 100k coming in every year to invest, buy a house, whatever. Build the empire. But no such luck. Oh yes, the book. It’s called “The richest man in Babylon”. Such simple principles and yet no one needs to follow them, least of all myself. If only I had a time machine!! Lol right? I’m sure 90% of the world would love one of those!! 

So your thinking…. Wtf is this guy talking about?! I’ll tell you what I’m talking about. Ever since I’ve been a kid I’ve always been fascinated with the fact that my father’s reflexes were actually actually faster than that of a cat’s. That might seem bizarre but it’s all true. This is a man that’s grown up in the scariest most hostile conditions this planet has to offer and somehow rose to the surface like the cream does with milk when you shake the shit out of it. Essentially you subject the milk to a hostile environment, and the best it has to offer rises to be liberated, while the rest (at one time in the past) would be swine food. Or at least that’s what my GF’s grandma tells me, yes she was obviously a milk farmer. Moving on….. My father’s reflexes. And yes he knew it, and would point it out every time. This would always happen when he or one of us would drop something. If he was in the vicinity, he would reach out like a lighting bolt and snatch whatever it was out of the air before it had a chance to drop on the ground. Comes in really handy if whatever your dropping could, well, cause damage if smashed. And I’ve always been fascinated with that. So I practiced and practiced and practiced. Until I was in my late teens, and I was there. Fast, boy, fast. Like lightning fast. The crazy part is its all reaction. All “IT”. Neuronal pathways trained to react in a certain way. Neurons firing together wire together so their reaction is hardwired. And all it takes it practice. And since I keep it up, it’s still present. I’m at the ripe old age now of 36 and I’m standing in front of the microwave heating up some leftovers. I open the top off of a kefir bottle, I start drinking, I drop the lid from about chest height. By the time the lid is about thigh height, I’ve already caught it, still drinking my delicious organic kefir. I put the bottle down, put the lid back on, and walk away. As you can imagine, everyone around is stunned. Movie scene like. Yeah, it was gangster. I have to admit, even I thought it was pretty badass. Something Ethan Hunt might do, not think twice about, walk away while everyone around raises an eyebrow wondering, who is this guy?!

As much as I’d like to say I wrote this to brag about my speed and abilities, it was a moment of realization. That no matter what you want to do in life, whether it’s physical or mental, with time and training, you can achieve any goal. The brain will adapt and the body will aid in whatever it is you want to achieve. Anything!! The only obstacle? Ourselves. Lack of patience. The inability to see more than what’s present in short term. It’s not faith, it’s science. Practice something long enough and your brain and body will start to morph into that which you are practicing. In time obviously. Now the only thing is….. It has to be intentional for it to have enough significance to alter your brain/body. So set the intention, then take the action as if it was the way it already is. The whole “fake it till you make it” approach. Cause in reality, there’s no such thing as fake as long as you recognize that your the creator. Any way of being is just that, a way of being. And when you know that your the creator, any way of being you create will always be authentic. It doesn’t even matter WHAT you create, it’s THAT you create. And the first time it’ll seem 100% fake. But stick with it knowing “fake” is not a thing when your a creator. Everyone starts from nothing. So enjoy the process and relish in the fruits of your creation!!

Happy creating!!

It’s still not resolved…

Posted: December 23, 2017 in Heart

Neuronal patterns. Once created, they are hard to break. Although not impossible. I heard a great quote yesterday, it goes like this…. Neurons that fire together, wire together. The more you think about something or react to something in a certain way, neurons will wire up that way so you follow that way of thought or emotion easier. The brain is lazy and will look for the easiest way to do something in a way that uses the least amount of energy. It’s efficient, but if not checked will lead us down a rabbit hole. The brain is a great tool but a terrible master. This is the whole discussion of IT (the brain) VS. Self (the spirit). Getting a little sidetracked now. I say all this to explain what happened today.

GF is a real estate investor, and she got approached by a client that I’ve had some… Well… Not the best feeling about. As in the reason for his wanting to invest is less than savoury. Ulterior motives. She’s an attractive girl. Great catch. And if your willing to pursue then would make a great long term partner, obv why I’ve invested myself and efforts in this relationship. So he flats his R8, car she wants obv, says she can’t drive if she wants and all this, you know…. Flash cash at a young money hungry girl and it makes their eyes twinkle. But I’m like, why worry about something I can’t control, right?! If she’s a gold digger then this will be the point it’s revealed. So yesterday he invests, and promised to invest even more. She’s been worried about money lately so this comes at a perfect time. He saved her. She talks about his more than I’d like, but ok, fine whatever. Today she’s freaking out (in a good way) at a logo with her IG name he made her. So for me it struck a nerve. It’s like going back sometime when a boy would make a girl a mixtape when he had a crush on her. Which brought back some old feelings. Right away I react in an extreme manner and emotionally start pulling out. Start getting ready for the inevitable. Extreme, right? Well it brought back all the same feelings as I had during the breakup. So they’re still there. They left shortly after we started being a thing again, and got replaced with older emotions, pre-breakup emotions and thoughts. Tension too. I couldn’t figure out why. I was even thinking about those feelings felt, but couldn’t reproduce them. So I figured they’re gone. Well with one text, they came back. Yupp, still wired together. Resentment is still present. I’m clearly still not settled in this. I still don’t think she’s in it. My story, and its just that for now, just a story. And not to offend anyone out there, but girls are guilable, for the most part. They have no idea when they’re being played by a guys. We’re sneaky, we’ll use anyway to get you to crush on us, even secretly. You’ll think it’s harmless, till the slow slide ends up with you focusing more on the next guy than on your current relationship, and then it happens. We play the long game, well some true pros do at least. We’ll be relentless when we want something. Total mind fuck. And before you know it, we’ve stolen you away without you even knowing it. It’s a dirty game but the saying holds true, all’s fair in love and war.

So what do I do then? Well the short answer is, nothing. If I bring it up then I’m jealous. And if I pull away then it was my fault cause I backed out. So what then? Well, if your not giving your 100% in a relationship all the time then your not doing it right. Cause if you are, then no matter what happens you’ll never need to forgive yourself if it fails. You gave it 100%, it’s all you could have done. In that case, you lucked out. Better to be done with a less than savoury charter early on than 10 years deep. That’s when it really hurts. So it’s business as usual until it’s not business as usual. Thoughts and emotions are overwhelming, but what your commited to is what dictates how you behave and the actions that you take. It might seem fake, but that only if you are a slave of your thoughts and emotions. When your a creator, whatever way of being you create is authentic as long as you know your SELF and take action from there, regardless of what your mind is feelings are screaming at you. It’s the old biting of the tongue, the swallowing of the pride, the old taking it like a man, the old cowboying up. Many terms. Same thing. And if in the end, you’ve done everything, and you biatch leaves your ass for someone with more money….. Then fuck that gold digging bitch. She can be someone else’s problem. As the English say, good riddance to bad rubbish. Bye bitch (insert the bbm emoji where he’s one hand waving with a big ol smile).

So it’s been a little while

Posted: December 21, 2017 in Heart

As the title states, it’s been a little while since I’ve had the chance to unleash my thoughts on these pages. The therapeutic factor of it is priceless and yet I haven’t made time for this to happen. As much as I’d love a following reading my stuff daily and getting something from it that might make their day a little better, it really is more if a selfish pleasure. Also maybe something to leave to a future generation that will not know the joy of reading old notes from a paper journal. The smell of the old pages, the feel of the paper between their fingers, the fact that it never needs to be recharged and yes you still need light to see the words. Maybe it’s just nostalgia, who knows. Regardless, it’s been a while. In the 2 months exactly, A LOT has happened!! And when I say A LOT I mean AAAALLLOOOOTTTTT!!!!!

To start off, Christie and I are back together as BF/GF. A fact that will be concealed from my rents at all costs for the time being, but that in itself is a whole other post that needs its time. So yeah, we’re back.

On a side note, I was driving to work this morning at 5am, no one on the road, and I was thinking about this blog. Do much so that I had to add it to my calendar to make a point of writing. So I was thinking that it’s funny how during the darkest of times in a person’s life is the best time to write, get it out, lock it up on paper and get it out of the mind. That’s all when the pain is deepest and the writing is richest. It’s when the best words can be strung together in the best way and make the reader feel the best of the worst of life. BUT, it’s also the time when the spirit is crushed and has no will to write or even share any of it. On the flip side of that, during the happiest time in a person life is when writing is the richest in a happy joyous way, but usually if your enjoying life that much, who’s got time to write about it?! Leaving the mediocre. And that’s nothing to write home about. Mediocre days don’t spawn such as combacks as….. “Oh yeah, well I had to wash my grey goose only to find it watered down”. Or something like that. Just silliness really. That was my reply to her saying, “I had to wash my grey down (jacket) and a week later I found it still wet!”, while in the line for border security screening coming back from our latest Belize trip. And yes we back in Belize but this time it’s a whole other story.

I am not defined or characterized by the person that I am with. I am my own man. I should have taken that lesson from my father a long time ago, but obviously I have not. And its about damn time I did. I have always identified by the people I am around, my friends, my family, but most importantly, by the person I am dating. They also had to be attractive, because only cool guys date attractive women. They had to be fit, well because only losers date fat girls. And the list goes on and on and on. Stemming really from humans ultimate fear of looking good and avoiding looking bad. I would always fuck a fat girl, ugly girl, or any other kind of girl, but I never wanted to be out in public with them. So any time I was dating a girl, or having any serious relationship with any girl at all, it was always a must that they fit into some category, as it would define the person I am. Not I’ve skipped the last few weeks, as they have been instrumental in getting me to this point right now, but as time unfolds, you will be able to piece together what transpired throughout those few weeks. Christie and I are back in negotiations into our relationship. We are not at a point where neither of us are seeing, fucking, sucking, licking, or even entertaining anyone else. We are both pretty adamant about making sure anyone that wants to have anything to do with us, that we are unavailable at this moment, and possibly for the rest of time. So what happened you ask? Well that’s a long long story of defeat and triumph. The Phoenix that rose from the ashes to reclaim all that was his, but in a better, stronger, more powerful version. After all, the phoenix can never become unless everything is burnt to a crisp, and it was. So where are we at now? Well that’s the interesting thing, and the reason for this particular post. During our breakup, we saw other people. I fucked some, she sucked some (and licked a few assholes as well), which obviously didn’t matter at the time as my focus was on attracting her back to me. Well that’s happened. And now? Well not its become an issue. Not a logical or rational one, something I have to mention. Yes, I know what your thinking…. im being ungrateful, and I am. Really I’m just being an immature child, and not the mature grown man that I’m supposed to be at this point in my life. And I see that clearly. Shit you can tell by how I look to know this. I have attachment issues. If not people, its to thoughts and ideas, even mental images. I get attached. And ever since a couple weeks ago I became attached to the thoughts of her being with other guys during the breakup. Facts are, we broke up. On her end there was no intention of ever getting back together, so she moved on and started dating others, and with dating comes sexual acts of course. So then why be hung up? Well because I was clearly not moved on, and still emotionally attached, as you’ll see in the future as the story is revealed. Which brings me to this… If I am my own man, confident in my ways and who I am and what I want, then all there is to know is that I lost someone, manned the fuck up, and got them back. I got what I wanted, exactly how I wanted it, even better than before. Not from her end per say, but on mine. She is still the amazing person she is, but I have become a better man for it. 3 months of agony transformed me and gave me the tools I needed to become a better person for myself, and everyoned around me. More apt to be in an actual relationship, bringing a whole person as opposed to half a person who’s looking to be completed. But as long as I keep holding onto things she did during the break up, its a clear indication that I have more work to do, as a whole person is not bothered by reality or how things are, or could or should have been. A whole person is complete no matter what the other person is or was. This does not reflect on a whole person in any way shape or form. Especially since I’m also a person that has collapsed morality in with so many other things including sex and sexual acts. Combine that with 50 thousand years of evolutionary programming and for someone like me its like being sabotaged by my own brain. The very thing that wants to keep me safe and alive is working against my progress and happiness. After all, my brain wants certainty, safety, security. It doesn’t give a fuck about happiness, joy, fulfillment, love, or any of those things. It wants me to stay alive, and that’s it! Essentially my brain is a future predicting machine that’s taking past experiences and charging them with the emotion experienced in those moments to ward of anything in the future that looks or feels anything like those past experiences. Those being negative of course. Anything that spells uncertainty has to be eliminated and it will employ everything last weapon in its arsenal to make sure it happens. So what do I do? Well, anytime one wants to succeed, they must rise above the level of what we deem as ourselves. In reality, its our limbic system in charge and making sure we do what we must to live. Combine that with our super advanced cortex and it spells anything but possibility. One really can achieve self mastery, but that takes a lot of discipline and a lot of practice. At what you ask? Not listening to our brain! Not taking our own advice! Well the one that involves anything but fact that is. Emotions cloud judgement because they are formed in the heat of the moment by a situation that’s already happened in the past. So when something on paper looks great, but your still hungup on something that doesn’t even seem like it should hang you up, then that’s a clear sign. Me for example, being hungup on something that happened when I was not in the picture, essentially like meeting someone for the first time all over again, I would be hungup on any past relationships shes had or what shes done in them, as I’m only here for the present and future. Meaning, I’m hungup based on programming. Essentially not difference than being in the matrix. Programming the machine to do whats required for the greater good, And in this case, the greater good is my survival. Except the matrix doenst see that the times have changed and we now live in a civilization and not alone in the woods anymore. When Freud says we have the Id, the Ego, and the Superego, well it might seem science fictiony, but in reality, its like having 3 entities in there all trying to do the same thing but they just cant seem to agree. So the dominant one wins during whatever situation. Its the story of the good wolf and the bad wolf. Whichever one you feed, will always dominate the other. There’s a story in that for another day. Point being, we are conflicted at times by trivial things. But in the end, we are whole and complete and perfect and we never need to anything else outside of ourselves to be the person we want to be, we already have it. So whomever you date does not define who you are. If likes to lick assholes, then it has nothing to do with you in that it defines who you are for being with her. All it means is that she’s going to lick your asshole too! And what a glorious thing that is!! So drop the irrationality of what happened while you were not present at the party, and enjoy! Get your dick sucked dry of every last drop. Have your balls in some pretty girls mouth and feel all the goodness that it has to offer. And for fucks sake man, get your asshole eaten out so good that it makes you wanna cum like the water fountains at the the Bellagio!!! Life isn’t so serious, so enjoy it and don’t make it mean anything. At the end of the day, life is really empty and meaningless, so live as such!

The one thing I’ve realized in life is if there’s something you want to keep then you have to feed it. Whether it’s a habit or a pet. They say there’s a good wolf and a bad wolf inside of each of us. The one you feed the most will always win over the other. But what they leave out is that you can never starve the other wolf to death. It has just as much of a selves preservation mechanism as we do. It will eventually fight back to eat, and when you put it in a situation where its life or death then it will do whatever it has to do to survive. So I think the key might be, feed the one you want to win enough to be dominant and strong but always keep the other one fed just enough to not die or even feel like it might die to starvation. You want it weakened by lack of nutrition but provided for enough as to night rise up against you. This being said to illustrate the point that in humans there’s certain traits we have that we want or are needed. We all have the bad wolf. We all need to do bad things to keep the bad wolf alive. In moderation of course. But gorge the good wolf. But the key here is to keep things from swaying too much. Linear. Uniform. Nothing drastic. It needs to be dolled out along the same timeline in the same amount. Like sleep. Too much change and the body goes nuts. It loves predictability and stability. Wants the to go to bed at the same time and wake up at the same time. That’s when it produces the most and treats you the best. So if I want a girl that likes to do bad things and I enjoy that, then if I’m not there I need her to stick to it or else a wild swing happens. Starved and that trait might be lost. If I have a girl who enjoys eating out asshole to please me, we break up, then during the breakup she would have to eat out a few assholes. If I ever an in getting back together with her and that trait has changed then it could be lost forever. It’s a simple matter of co consistency to maintain a favourable trait. No more no less. If I enjoy the bad wolf in my company, then when I’m not there anymore that wolf still has to get fed. If it doesn’t and it dies off, then if/when I return, that wolf will no longer be there for me to enjoy playing with. Example. I dated a girl who didn’t like it in the ass. I worked my way to getting her to do it. It was enjoyable. She got used to it. Now we stopped. We broke up. Now I ask her if she will do it again and the answer is the same as it was at the beginning. Hells no!! Why?? That wolf died. Unfortunate for anyone else or myself if I ever want to get back with her. Had that wolf got fed once In a while then that option wools always be on the table. Might be weak, but alive to play with once in a while when I get home. And now rip. I believe fanatics let only one wolf exist in their life. They have no perspective. They have no one else to play with other than just the one wolf. And that equals danger. The key is balance. But the key in this case to live a happy life is feed the good wolf amounts of food enough to keep it strong and healthy, stronger than the bad, even if there was 10 bad wolves, weak and feeble, VS one super wolf….the good super wold would tear the other ones to shreds if need be. I believe we have many good and bad wolves. Well I do at this moment and that’s subject to change in time. The ultimate of the wolves being self, the good snow white wolf and IT, the black as night bad wolf. Thoughts, ego, neuronal patterns, emotions all feed the bad wolf. Self, the good wolf feeds on peace, elevation, maturity, forgiveness, compassion, enlightenment, silence, responsibility, integrity. And a few others of course. Those feed the good wolf. Self. That’s connected to God and the universe. But humans aren’t God’s. And as such we are all created with bad wolves. But “bad” is relative. Sucking dick and eating assholes might be bad to some but if it’s something I need or enjoy in my life then I need that to stay at a steady state. Or else I won’t be able to enjoy it. Not having a girl suck dick or eat an asshole in months is gonna be drastic. Then things get weird. She will start to bring morality into it. Question if it’s right or wrong. Question her self and her motives. And all those lead to instability and eventually that wolf gets so weak that it risks dying, or even dies. And then what?! No longer to be had. Another example. I dare a girl for a while. She likes sucking dick and eating assholes. We break up. Now down the road I want to be back with her. So in the mean time during the breakup, for me to expect she’s not gonna go that is a terrible thing for me. Cause when I do want to be back with her, I want that bad wolf. I want her to eat my ass and suck my dick and let me do shit to her like a bad girl she is. Hell I wanna straight up shit on her and wash it off with my golden piss. So it’s safe to say I want her to keep it up while I’m gone so when I return I can enjoy that time getting my dick sucked and ass eaten. No morality. No right or wrong. The only thing I ask for is Obviously don’t catch any diseases. Dont be disrespected. Don’t do something you don’t wanna do. Don’t get hurt. Now in my case, don’t let anyone shit or piss on you, that’s reserved for me. And don’t let anyone fuck you in the ass cause that’s reserved for me too. In my case she’s also a pussy virgin so Obv don’t let anyone fuck your pussy but that goes without saying. In life we need to battle our programming. Our limbic system. 50 thousand years of programming. Not easy to do. I read a great article on waitbutwhy and it goes something like this…..
Gaining control over your limbic system is both the definition of maturity and the core human struggle. Your limbic system doesn’t get that you live in a civilization, and if you let it run your life too much, it’ll quickly ruin your life!!
Self lives outside any ordained place in the brain. It’s not finite. It’s not tangible. The mind is. And it’s job is to keep you alive… 50 thousand years ago! It’s like running an old roadster big block today. It will do the job, but in a very crude and sloppy way. It will eventually smash you into a wall without airbags. And it shows up in the form of pettiness, insecurity, jealousy, bitterness, immaturity, and being just plain small. The inability to turn the page on things in life. Being stuck. Shempa as Buddhist call it. The hooking effect. In reality it’s all neuronal memory patterns, synapses that have accumulated throughout life to keep us safe and way from danger. And in this civilization we live in they no longer serve us. We have the ability to reform them into whatever we want. Powerfully. Alter your perception of life by remapping your brain! It takes time and it might seem like no progress is being made, until it is! And you’ll realize it when you look back on it to see what you did before and how rediculous and funny that was, “wow I can’t believe I used to do that, or I went through that crazy!” It’s really true the old saying, fake it toll you make it! Your brain doesn’t actually know the difference, only you do! Only self does! And it’s a wonderful thing!