So your thinking…. Wtf is this guy talking about?! I’ll tell you what I’m talking about. Ever since I’ve been a kid I’ve always been fascinated with the fact that my father’s reflexes were actually actually faster than that of a cat’s. That might seem bizarre but it’s all true. This is a man that’s grown up in the scariest most hostile conditions this planet has to offer and somehow rose to the surface like the cream does with milk when you shake the shit out of it. Essentially you subject the milk to a hostile environment, and the best it has to offer rises to be liberated, while the rest (at one time in the past) would be swine food. Or at least that’s what my GF’s grandma tells me, yes she was obviously a milk farmer. Moving on….. My father’s reflexes. And yes he knew it, and would point it out every time. This would always happen when he or one of us would drop something. If he was in the vicinity, he would reach out like a lighting bolt and snatch whatever it was out of the air before it had a chance to drop on the ground. Comes in really handy if whatever your dropping could, well, cause damage if smashed. And I’ve always been fascinated with that. So I practiced and practiced and practiced. Until I was in my late teens, and I was there. Fast, boy, fast. Like lightning fast. The crazy part is its all reaction. All “IT”. Neuronal pathways trained to react in a certain way. Neurons firing together wire together so their reaction is hardwired. And all it takes it practice. And since I keep it up, it’s still present. I’m at the ripe old age now of 36 and I’m standing in front of the microwave heating up some leftovers. I open the top off of a kefir bottle, I start drinking, I drop the lid from about chest height. By the time the lid is about thigh height, I’ve already caught it, still drinking my delicious organic kefir. I put the bottle down, put the lid back on, and walk away. As you can imagine, everyone around is stunned. Movie scene like. Yeah, it was gangster. I have to admit, even I thought it was pretty badass. Something Ethan Hunt might do, not think twice about, walk away while everyone around raises an eyebrow wondering, who is this guy?!

As much as I’d like to say I wrote this to brag about my speed and abilities, it was a moment of realization. That no matter what you want to do in life, whether it’s physical or mental, with time and training, you can achieve any goal. The brain will adapt and the body will aid in whatever it is you want to achieve. Anything!! The only obstacle? Ourselves. Lack of patience. The inability to see more than what’s present in short term. It’s not faith, it’s science. Practice something long enough and your brain and body will start to morph into that which you are practicing. In time obviously. Now the only thing is….. It has to be intentional for it to have enough significance to alter your brain/body. So set the intention, then take the action as if it was the way it already is. The whole “fake it till you make it” approach. Cause in reality, there’s no such thing as fake as long as you recognize that your the creator. Any way of being is just that, a way of being. And when you know that your the creator, any way of being you create will always be authentic. It doesn’t even matter WHAT you create, it’s THAT you create. And the first time it’ll seem 100% fake. But stick with it knowing “fake” is not a thing when your a creator. Everyone starts from nothing. So enjoy the process and relish in the fruits of your creation!!

Happy creating!!

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It’s still not resolved…

Posted: December 23, 2017 in Heart

Neuronal patterns. Once created, they are hard to break. Although not impossible. I heard a great quote yesterday, it goes like this…. Neurons that fire together, wire together. The more you think about something or react to something in a certain way, neurons will wire up that way so you follow that way of thought or emotion easier. The brain is lazy and will look for the easiest way to do something in a way that uses the least amount of energy. It’s efficient, but if not checked will lead us down a rabbit hole. The brain is a great tool but a terrible master. This is the whole discussion of IT (the brain) VS. Self (the spirit). Getting a little sidetracked now. I say all this to explain what happened today.

GF is a real estate investor, and she got approached by a client that I’ve had some… Well… Not the best feeling about. As in the reason for his wanting to invest is less than savoury. Ulterior motives. She’s an attractive girl. Great catch. And if your willing to pursue then would make a great long term partner, obv why I’ve invested myself and efforts in this relationship. So he flats his R8, car she wants obv, says she can’t drive if she wants and all this, you know…. Flash cash at a young money hungry girl and it makes their eyes twinkle. But I’m like, why worry about something I can’t control, right?! If she’s a gold digger then this will be the point it’s revealed. So yesterday he invests, and promised to invest even more. She’s been worried about money lately so this comes at a perfect time. He saved her. She talks about his more than I’d like, but ok, fine whatever. Today she’s freaking out (in a good way) at a logo with her IG name he made her. So for me it struck a nerve. It’s like going back sometime when a boy would make a girl a mixtape when he had a crush on her. Which brought back some old feelings. Right away I react in an extreme manner and emotionally start pulling out. Start getting ready for the inevitable. Extreme, right? Well it brought back all the same feelings as I had during the breakup. So they’re still there. They left shortly after we started being a thing again, and got replaced with older emotions, pre-breakup emotions and thoughts. Tension too. I couldn’t figure out why. I was even thinking about those feelings felt, but couldn’t reproduce them. So I figured they’re gone. Well with one text, they came back. Yupp, still wired together. Resentment is still present. I’m clearly still not settled in this. I still don’t think she’s in it. My story, and its just that for now, just a story. And not to offend anyone out there, but girls are guilable, for the most part. They have no idea when they’re being played by a guys. We’re sneaky, we’ll use anyway to get you to crush on us, even secretly. You’ll think it’s harmless, till the slow slide ends up with you focusing more on the next guy than on your current relationship, and then it happens. We play the long game, well some true pros do at least. We’ll be relentless when we want something. Total mind fuck. And before you know it, we’ve stolen you away without you even knowing it. It’s a dirty game but the saying holds true, all’s fair in love and war.

So what do I do then? Well the short answer is, nothing. If I bring it up then I’m jealous. And if I pull away then it was my fault cause I backed out. So what then? Well, if your not giving your 100% in a relationship all the time then your not doing it right. Cause if you are, then no matter what happens you’ll never need to forgive yourself if it fails. You gave it 100%, it’s all you could have done. In that case, you lucked out. Better to be done with a less than savoury charter early on than 10 years deep. That’s when it really hurts. So it’s business as usual until it’s not business as usual. Thoughts and emotions are overwhelming, but what your commited to is what dictates how you behave and the actions that you take. It might seem fake, but that only if you are a slave of your thoughts and emotions. When your a creator, whatever way of being you create is authentic as long as you know your SELF and take action from there, regardless of what your mind is feelings are screaming at you. It’s the old biting of the tongue, the swallowing of the pride, the old taking it like a man, the old cowboying up. Many terms. Same thing. And if in the end, you’ve done everything, and you biatch leaves your ass for someone with more money….. Then fuck that gold digging bitch. She can be someone else’s problem. As the English say, good riddance to bad rubbish. Bye bitch (insert the bbm emoji where he’s one hand waving with a big ol smile).

So it’s been a little while

Posted: December 21, 2017 in Heart

As the title states, it’s been a little while since I’ve had the chance to unleash my thoughts on these pages. The therapeutic factor of it is priceless and yet I haven’t made time for this to happen. As much as I’d love a following reading my stuff daily and getting something from it that might make their day a little better, it really is more if a selfish pleasure. Also maybe something to leave to a future generation that will not know the joy of reading old notes from a paper journal. The smell of the old pages, the feel of the paper between their fingers, the fact that it never needs to be recharged and yes you still need light to see the words. Maybe it’s just nostalgia, who knows. Regardless, it’s been a while. In the 2 months exactly, A LOT has happened!! And when I say A LOT I mean AAAALLLOOOOTTTTT!!!!!

To start off, Christie and I are back together as BF/GF. A fact that will be concealed from my rents at all costs for the time being, but that in itself is a whole other post that needs its time. So yeah, we’re back.

On a side note, I was driving to work this morning at 5am, no one on the road, and I was thinking about this blog. Do much so that I had to add it to my calendar to make a point of writing. So I was thinking that it’s funny how during the darkest of times in a person’s life is the best time to write, get it out, lock it up on paper and get it out of the mind. That’s all when the pain is deepest and the writing is richest. It’s when the best words can be strung together in the best way and make the reader feel the best of the worst of life. BUT, it’s also the time when the spirit is crushed and has no will to write or even share any of it. On the flip side of that, during the happiest time in a person life is when writing is the richest in a happy joyous way, but usually if your enjoying life that much, who’s got time to write about it?! Leaving the mediocre. And that’s nothing to write home about. Mediocre days don’t spawn such as combacks as….. “Oh yeah, well I had to wash my grey goose only to find it watered down”. Or something like that. Just silliness really. That was my reply to her saying, “I had to wash my grey down (jacket) and a week later I found it still wet!”, while in the line for border security screening coming back from our latest Belize trip. And yes we back in Belize but this time it’s a whole other story.

I am not defined or characterized by the person that I am with. I am my own man. I should have taken that lesson from my father a long time ago, but obviously I have not. And its about damn time I did. I have always identified by the people I am around, my friends, my family, but most importantly, by the person I am dating. They also had to be attractive, because only cool guys date attractive women. They had to be fit, well because only losers date fat girls. And the list goes on and on and on. Stemming really from humans ultimate fear of looking good and avoiding looking bad. I would always fuck a fat girl, ugly girl, or any other kind of girl, but I never wanted to be out in public with them. So any time I was dating a girl, or having any serious relationship with any girl at all, it was always a must that they fit into some category, as it would define the person I am. Not I’ve skipped the last few weeks, as they have been instrumental in getting me to this point right now, but as time unfolds, you will be able to piece together what transpired throughout those few weeks. Christie and I are back in negotiations into our relationship. We are not at a point where neither of us are seeing, fucking, sucking, licking, or even entertaining anyone else. We are both pretty adamant about making sure anyone that wants to have anything to do with us, that we are unavailable at this moment, and possibly for the rest of time. So what happened you ask? Well that’s a long long story of defeat and triumph. The Phoenix that rose from the ashes to reclaim all that was his, but in a better, stronger, more powerful version. After all, the phoenix can never become unless everything is burnt to a crisp, and it was. So where are we at now? Well that’s the interesting thing, and the reason for this particular post. During our breakup, we saw other people. I fucked some, she sucked some (and licked a few assholes as well), which obviously didn’t matter at the time as my focus was on attracting her back to me. Well that’s happened. And now? Well not its become an issue. Not a logical or rational one, something I have to mention. Yes, I know what your thinking…. im being ungrateful, and I am. Really I’m just being an immature child, and not the mature grown man that I’m supposed to be at this point in my life. And I see that clearly. Shit you can tell by how I look to know this. I have attachment issues. If not people, its to thoughts and ideas, even mental images. I get attached. And ever since a couple weeks ago I became attached to the thoughts of her being with other guys during the breakup. Facts are, we broke up. On her end there was no intention of ever getting back together, so she moved on and started dating others, and with dating comes sexual acts of course. So then why be hung up? Well because I was clearly not moved on, and still emotionally attached, as you’ll see in the future as the story is revealed. Which brings me to this… If I am my own man, confident in my ways and who I am and what I want, then all there is to know is that I lost someone, manned the fuck up, and got them back. I got what I wanted, exactly how I wanted it, even better than before. Not from her end per say, but on mine. She is still the amazing person she is, but I have become a better man for it. 3 months of agony transformed me and gave me the tools I needed to become a better person for myself, and everyoned around me. More apt to be in an actual relationship, bringing a whole person as opposed to half a person who’s looking to be completed. But as long as I keep holding onto things she did during the break up, its a clear indication that I have more work to do, as a whole person is not bothered by reality or how things are, or could or should have been. A whole person is complete no matter what the other person is or was. This does not reflect on a whole person in any way shape or form. Especially since I’m also a person that has collapsed morality in with so many other things including sex and sexual acts. Combine that with 50 thousand years of evolutionary programming and for someone like me its like being sabotaged by my own brain. The very thing that wants to keep me safe and alive is working against my progress and happiness. After all, my brain wants certainty, safety, security. It doesn’t give a fuck about happiness, joy, fulfillment, love, or any of those things. It wants me to stay alive, and that’s it! Essentially my brain is a future predicting machine that’s taking past experiences and charging them with the emotion experienced in those moments to ward of anything in the future that looks or feels anything like those past experiences. Those being negative of course. Anything that spells uncertainty has to be eliminated and it will employ everything last weapon in its arsenal to make sure it happens. So what do I do? Well, anytime one wants to succeed, they must rise above the level of what we deem as ourselves. In reality, its our limbic system in charge and making sure we do what we must to live. Combine that with our super advanced cortex and it spells anything but possibility. One really can achieve self mastery, but that takes a lot of discipline and a lot of practice. At what you ask? Not listening to our brain! Not taking our own advice! Well the one that involves anything but fact that is. Emotions cloud judgement because they are formed in the heat of the moment by a situation that’s already happened in the past. So when something on paper looks great, but your still hungup on something that doesn’t even seem like it should hang you up, then that’s a clear sign. Me for example, being hungup on something that happened when I was not in the picture, essentially like meeting someone for the first time all over again, I would be hungup on any past relationships shes had or what shes done in them, as I’m only here for the present and future. Meaning, I’m hungup based on programming. Essentially not difference than being in the matrix. Programming the machine to do whats required for the greater good, And in this case, the greater good is my survival. Except the matrix doenst see that the times have changed and we now live in a civilization and not alone in the woods anymore. When Freud says we have the Id, the Ego, and the Superego, well it might seem science fictiony, but in reality, its like having 3 entities in there all trying to do the same thing but they just cant seem to agree. So the dominant one wins during whatever situation. Its the story of the good wolf and the bad wolf. Whichever one you feed, will always dominate the other. There’s a story in that for another day. Point being, we are conflicted at times by trivial things. But in the end, we are whole and complete and perfect and we never need to anything else outside of ourselves to be the person we want to be, we already have it. So whomever you date does not define who you are. If likes to lick assholes, then it has nothing to do with you in that it defines who you are for being with her. All it means is that she’s going to lick your asshole too! And what a glorious thing that is!! So drop the irrationality of what happened while you were not present at the party, and enjoy! Get your dick sucked dry of every last drop. Have your balls in some pretty girls mouth and feel all the goodness that it has to offer. And for fucks sake man, get your asshole eaten out so good that it makes you wanna cum like the water fountains at the the Bellagio!!! Life isn’t so serious, so enjoy it and don’t make it mean anything. At the end of the day, life is really empty and meaningless, so live as such!

The one thing I’ve realized in life is if there’s something you want to keep then you have to feed it. Whether it’s a habit or a pet. They say there’s a good wolf and a bad wolf inside of each of us. The one you feed the most will always win over the other. But what they leave out is that you can never starve the other wolf to death. It has just as much of a selves preservation mechanism as we do. It will eventually fight back to eat, and when you put it in a situation where its life or death then it will do whatever it has to do to survive. So I think the key might be, feed the one you want to win enough to be dominant and strong but always keep the other one fed just enough to not die or even feel like it might die to starvation. You want it weakened by lack of nutrition but provided for enough as to night rise up against you. This being said to illustrate the point that in humans there’s certain traits we have that we want or are needed. We all have the bad wolf. We all need to do bad things to keep the bad wolf alive. In moderation of course. But gorge the good wolf. But the key here is to keep things from swaying too much. Linear. Uniform. Nothing drastic. It needs to be dolled out along the same timeline in the same amount. Like sleep. Too much change and the body goes nuts. It loves predictability and stability. Wants the to go to bed at the same time and wake up at the same time. That’s when it produces the most and treats you the best. So if I want a girl that likes to do bad things and I enjoy that, then if I’m not there I need her to stick to it or else a wild swing happens. Starved and that trait might be lost. If I have a girl who enjoys eating out asshole to please me, we break up, then during the breakup she would have to eat out a few assholes. If I ever an in getting back together with her and that trait has changed then it could be lost forever. It’s a simple matter of co consistency to maintain a favourable trait. No more no less. If I enjoy the bad wolf in my company, then when I’m not there anymore that wolf still has to get fed. If it doesn’t and it dies off, then if/when I return, that wolf will no longer be there for me to enjoy playing with. Example. I dated a girl who didn’t like it in the ass. I worked my way to getting her to do it. It was enjoyable. She got used to it. Now we stopped. We broke up. Now I ask her if she will do it again and the answer is the same as it was at the beginning. Hells no!! Why?? That wolf died. Unfortunate for anyone else or myself if I ever want to get back with her. Had that wolf got fed once In a while then that option wools always be on the table. Might be weak, but alive to play with once in a while when I get home. And now rip. I believe fanatics let only one wolf exist in their life. They have no perspective. They have no one else to play with other than just the one wolf. And that equals danger. The key is balance. But the key in this case to live a happy life is feed the good wolf amounts of food enough to keep it strong and healthy, stronger than the bad, even if there was 10 bad wolves, weak and feeble, VS one super wolf….the good super wold would tear the other ones to shreds if need be. I believe we have many good and bad wolves. Well I do at this moment and that’s subject to change in time. The ultimate of the wolves being self, the good snow white wolf and IT, the black as night bad wolf. Thoughts, ego, neuronal patterns, emotions all feed the bad wolf. Self, the good wolf feeds on peace, elevation, maturity, forgiveness, compassion, enlightenment, silence, responsibility, integrity. And a few others of course. Those feed the good wolf. Self. That’s connected to God and the universe. But humans aren’t God’s. And as such we are all created with bad wolves. But “bad” is relative. Sucking dick and eating assholes might be bad to some but if it’s something I need or enjoy in my life then I need that to stay at a steady state. Or else I won’t be able to enjoy it. Not having a girl suck dick or eat an asshole in months is gonna be drastic. Then things get weird. She will start to bring morality into it. Question if it’s right or wrong. Question her self and her motives. And all those lead to instability and eventually that wolf gets so weak that it risks dying, or even dies. And then what?! No longer to be had. Another example. I dare a girl for a while. She likes sucking dick and eating assholes. We break up. Now down the road I want to be back with her. So in the mean time during the breakup, for me to expect she’s not gonna go that is a terrible thing for me. Cause when I do want to be back with her, I want that bad wolf. I want her to eat my ass and suck my dick and let me do shit to her like a bad girl she is. Hell I wanna straight up shit on her and wash it off with my golden piss. So it’s safe to say I want her to keep it up while I’m gone so when I return I can enjoy that time getting my dick sucked and ass eaten. No morality. No right or wrong. The only thing I ask for is Obviously don’t catch any diseases. Dont be disrespected. Don’t do something you don’t wanna do. Don’t get hurt. Now in my case, don’t let anyone shit or piss on you, that’s reserved for me. And don’t let anyone fuck you in the ass cause that’s reserved for me too. In my case she’s also a pussy virgin so Obv don’t let anyone fuck your pussy but that goes without saying. In life we need to battle our programming. Our limbic system. 50 thousand years of programming. Not easy to do. I read a great article on waitbutwhy and it goes something like this…..
Gaining control over your limbic system is both the definition of maturity and the core human struggle. Your limbic system doesn’t get that you live in a civilization, and if you let it run your life too much, it’ll quickly ruin your life!!
Self lives outside any ordained place in the brain. It’s not finite. It’s not tangible. The mind is. And it’s job is to keep you alive… 50 thousand years ago! It’s like running an old roadster big block today. It will do the job, but in a very crude and sloppy way. It will eventually smash you into a wall without airbags. And it shows up in the form of pettiness, insecurity, jealousy, bitterness, immaturity, and being just plain small. The inability to turn the page on things in life. Being stuck. Shempa as Buddhist call it. The hooking effect. In reality it’s all neuronal memory patterns, synapses that have accumulated throughout life to keep us safe and way from danger. And in this civilization we live in they no longer serve us. We have the ability to reform them into whatever we want. Powerfully. Alter your perception of life by remapping your brain! It takes time and it might seem like no progress is being made, until it is! And you’ll realize it when you look back on it to see what you did before and how rediculous and funny that was, “wow I can’t believe I used to do that, or I went through that crazy!” It’s really true the old saying, fake it toll you make it! Your brain doesn’t actually know the difference, only you do! Only self does! And it’s a wonderful thing!

Grounds hog day

Posted: August 27, 2017 in Heart

It’s a crazy thing this life. What’s also crazy is our perception of time. When we’re riding high, time jusy seems to evaporate and we can’t ever seem to hold on to it. Yet when we’re in some crisis, time just seems to stand still. This is especially true when one has based their time around a certain person or thing and then that thing dissappears. Left with not knowing how on earth to fill that time up. Crisis control. Short term thought of time that isn’t being in the moment. When we’re doing well, happy, on the rise, we think in terms of years down the road. When we’re struggling to manage each day, we thing till the end of the day and hope for a better one the next. It’s all perception. Context. How we frame the life we are living. 

I want to tell you about one day of my life. Yesterday. I’ll try not to ramble lol. 

So yesterday started off on a very down note. I woke up at 10am (went to bed at 6) and laid in bed and thought about Christie for the next hour or so. All about what I’d say to get her back. Not a good idea but all is wanted was to sleep but I couldn’t. Mind was racing. I even started thinking about what I’d do to get rid of the other guy in her life, that’s how bad it got. So I got a call from Jaylene, got up, we talked for the next 3 hours almost. During that talk, I made a lot of discoveries. About myself. I wrote a lot down. Had a serious talk with myself. With God. Then had to go into work. Get there in a shitty downer mood. Notong after I was there I called Francesco. A guy I met in Belize, very wise man, to make plans with him for a sit-down to talk about stuff. I wanted his opinion on what’s going on. He asked me how I was, I told him I wasn’t good. Then explained why. During my explanation I stated shaking when I told him I want her back. He said that it’s better to have this talk in person. So we made plans for the Tuesday. I was shook. Not long after that I had a really profound talk with Jeremy from work. He told me about his friend shows going through something like this and then how he’s even going through something similar after 15 years of being in a marriage. What a shame. 

The sauga of Christie as my GF is officially over. Well in my heart. Do I love her? Of course. Do I want to be with her? Of course. But we all knew it had to end at some point. And that point was today. Today has been quite a day to say the least. Started off with me going nuts in my head. Unable to get her out. Had some really good talks on the phone. Had some good talks in person. Talked to Christie 3 times on the phone. The last of which I told her everything else I had inside. I even wrote a thing to tell her. Then at the end she spelled it out in no uncertain terms. She lost the obsession with me. Which later on in the phone call preceeding it with my seminar manager, she spelled it out that what I have for her now and what she had for me then wasn’t love but attachment. Something the Buddhist is the one thing we need to let go of. She does love me. We even ended the call like that. I love you bye. But not in an obsession attachment kind of way. Like fam love kind of way. And I want settled. Till I got the call from my seminar leader. And she explained it all. I felt better after. Kinda sad tho. On paper we make the best couple. Allstars. And she even knows that the feeling at the beginning fades. And only true love remains. But the sad part is her chemicals are raging strong and she thinks that that’s love. That’s what she needs. She needs the attachment. And that’s so sad. We make the perfect couple on paper. Have the same ideas about life and where we want to be. And loves me to death. But needs the attachment. And that is never permanent. The only thing that leads to is sadness and misery. And my heart hurts cause of it. For her. But she has to find her way in life like I must. I offered her the world. Unconditional love and devotion. Affection. Intimacy. And time. All of it. The kind of love that will outlast the ages. And instead, she wants attachment. They say that the beginning feelings you get to a person is feuled by chemicals. And what settles out of that is true love. They say that if you can picture yourself with a person 50 years down the road then you know you found it. Maybe I found it. Maybe I didn’t. At the beginning she was attached and I wasn’t. I had real love for her. Then the tables turned and she broke her attachment and I started mine. The love is there. But now the attachment on both our parts is over. And I made sure of that today. After that I had a long talk with jillian about business. We’re gonna give it a go to create the empire we want. And it’s gonna revolve around her knowhow and my vision. It’s gonna be one helluva empire! No name yet but you’ll hear about it soon enough. It’s gonna be huge! So right in time, a lovely lady friend msgs me at the end of the day and wants to come by. She does. And shit went fucking ddoowwnnnn!!! And with one stroke it was over. Erased. Attachment broken. I’ve resisted this for months now since the breakup date cause I always had hope it would reignite. But obv by the talk we had today that doesn’t look like a possibility. And I’m not sure if it’s even the right thing that was meant to be. I wanted out of it so long ago. Months. But could never do it. Saying if I could have her as a friend it would be amazing. I got it. Then didn’t want it and wanted back into the fold. Well now I forcibly got what I wanted. And that’s the way it has to be. And I’m OK with that. Right now at least lol. Who knows about tomorrow lol. Tomorrow is another day. The key to living fully is to be in the moment. Living by choosing to be there moment by moment. Choosing each moment as it is and nothing more. There really is nothing in life other than this moment that we have right now. One more might not be granted. And anything other than dully choosing to be in each moment in all its greatness and sadness is a waste of life. If you don’t choose to be where you are right now, then you’ll never be. Ever. With that said a new beginning is created. Once we choose the moment we are in then we can be complete with it. And once we are complete with it then we can create the space to create anything we want. Anything. We can be anyone or anything we want. But as long as we hold on to the past of the future then we can never ever be anywhere. Cause we’re not there. Not present. It’s good to have goals dreams. But the moment is really all we have. Why do you think so many people are never satisfied by by the carrot they are chasing? It’s cause they never get it! You will never ever ever get that carrot. And the moment you think you got it then you really must stop and think about it. That carrot doesn’t even exist. It’s not real. Only the moment you have exists. The carrot is the final destination. And in life there really is only one final destination. And that’s death. So if you think you got the carrot then you really have no idea what that carrot is. There’s only the road. There’s never the destination. Only the road exists. That’s the road of happiness. To truly be free you must embrace the road and the journey. Be in the discovery. Not in the know. As there is nothing to know. Nothing figure out. It’s a mystery. The moment has to happen and then the choice has to be made, not the other way around. There is no answer, be in the exploration. Stop trying to figure it all out! And listen. People talk but we don’t even listen to what they’re saying. We always give them what we think we want from them and not what they as asking for. Even when you think you have it figured out, you don’t! There’s nothing to figure out! Choose the confusion, being the jerk that has to figure it all out. Choose to be exactly where you are right now at this very moment and nowhere else. In the pain, in the grief, in the sorrow, in the happens, in the joy, in the madness, in the chaos. Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. No story. Just fact. The fact is I’m sitting outside in my zero chair on a cool August night listening to the sounds of nature weaving this tale for you to read. And I’m choosing to be here right now. No where else. This is my choice. I choose this. And I’m free.

Wow Jaylene!! 

Posted: August 27, 2017 in Heart

The breakdowns and breakthroughs I’ve had today had been by far more profound than all I’ve ever had in my life.

This post was written yesterday. I was in such an amazing place that I didn’t wanna ruin it and talk about it more so I just let it be.

Wow, I was ready to give it all up. All of it. Hand it over. Hand my life over to her. And she still didn’t take it. How crazy is that? I’m not saying I still won’t if the time comes, she’s my drug. The feelings she made me feel are so addictive. It’s crazy. It’s the fight maybe. I don’t know but I don’t wanna make a story out of it. Like wtf I don’t even like flavored non-dairy creamer!! I notice this about myself. I don’t have an identity. I take on whatever identity of the person I date. So why did I act like that? Cause she acted like that. I’m a mimicker. I met her. She has hi goals and dreams. I figured I’d ride it out. I’ll take hers on and move on. Perfect right? Well she was still hung up. No wonder I didn’t have any self expression. Not her fault. Mine of course. But not even a fault. Jusg the way it is. How could be intimate with this girl and give her the connection she wants if I don’t even know who I am anymore. Lost. I felt so alone. She was the sum of a lot of things I liked. But something was still missing. How can I love her if neither her or I love ourselves? Not possible. Laura, Chelsey, Jaylene, Becky, Jillian, Carla. In no particular order. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. In my moments, I leaned on you and you gave me all the love and support I needed. But not just that. You gave me insight and wisdom to correct my course of action. In time, I will be good with this. Growth. It’s what I’ve always wanted. And I can’t get that there. Maybe in time. But not now. Maybe things will turn around. Maybe they will keep moving forward. I can’t tell. But I can’t tell the future. Well not always. I have no control over the past or future. Only thing I can control is my feelings in the moment. My behavior. My actions. In the moment. That’s it. My context. That’s it. Re-context the situation and it looks way different. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Be careful what you wish for. 2 lines I think of when thinking about us. She wants the green grass on the other side. And I wished for this for so long. And now we’re both there. Maybe forever miserable lol. But I have faith. Faith in action. Put in the work and you have no choice but to receive the rewards of it. That’s it. Can’t meditate one day and expect things to change. Only after a week of it does one feel the change. Over the last couple weeks, ever since the beginning of mercury retrograde, I’ve been down and out. So it’s led me to have many mmaannyyyy conversations with the aforementioned individuals. They have held me up and smacked me around. All for me. I must be the most blessed man on the face of the planet. And yes I do owe it to God. I know God is a taboo subject now but without Him in this life I would have been so fucked up and so fucking far astray. Why I loved being with her is a whole other post. Action, adventure, companionship, partnership, beauty, intelligence, growth, dreams coming true, wealth, early retirement…. And the list goes on and on. And yes, all those were for me. Not her. So what’s missing? LOVE!!! Saying you love a person doesn’t mean shit. If you don’t show it, there’s no action. If there’s no action, no amount of words in the world will make a difference. I see that. I see that now. Maybe too late to salvage. But not too late to salvage myself. It’s said that one needs to precipitate a crisis in order to achieve true growth. True lasting growth. And this is my crisis. I haven’t had a crisis in a while. I didn’t even know what a crisis feels like anymore. And now I do. Very well actually. And this is my growth period. I have a love/hate relationship with growth. I love the feeling after but I hate the growing pains. It’s like the burn at the gym when real growth is about to happen. It’s a terrible feeling in the moment but the feeling after is exhilarating! Can’t approach the problem from the same state of mind as the solution. Or visa versa. It just won’t work. But that’s way easier said than done. This whole time I’ve been focusing on the problem. What I did. What happened. And it needed to happen. I need to wallow in it. Only way to do it. Eventually solution time has to come.

Life’s funny like that 

Posted: August 23, 2017 in Heart

It’s funny how life works sometimes. You get what you want, you don’t want it, then you lose it, and you want it again. Realizations. Awakening. Life. Fuck. The last post I posted today but was written like 2 weeks ago. Since then a lot has happened. So many realizations. So many ups and downs. So many cigarettes smoked. So much stress. It’s been one helluva rollercoaster ride, that’s for sure! Recap. Christie and I have been talking more. And I’ve been stressing more. I’m in my head so much it’s taken over almost. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach so many times by myself. Kicked myself for so many things. Blamed myself for everything that’s happened. And now I stand at the crossroads not knowing where to go. Feel so lost. Empty. Alone. No different than how I felt with her. The only thing that will fill that hole right now is her. So rewind a couple weeks. I went to Hamilton to hangout with her for lunch. A friendly one. When I got there I went right back into my old routines of wanting to touch her and be with her. We have a long talk about us and she makes it clear we are just friends. So I tell her everything I’ve wanted to. Actually it was on the 14th. We spent the day talking about us. Had the best lunch. Then had the best night out for drinks. Left with a hug and kiss. But the ride back home was agonizing. I saw all the amazing things we could be. And it crushed me. A few days goes by its Thursday. I meet her in Toronto, we make it back to Hamilton where I end up staying the night. We get intimate and stay over. Leave in the morning with us making out. Best night. I go to Kingston for a boys weekend. On the Saturday I get a long msg from her in which she tells me she got setup on a date and she met some guys. I get down. Almost ruined the boys weekend. I see if she has plans on Monday, and she’s free for a few hours so we meet up. Now here’s where it gets messed up. She tells me I can’t stay over cause she met someone. So me I’m not worried at this point cause I can’t see this guy ever comparing to me. But she also tells me that she loves me but isn’t in love with me and is attracted to other guys. I mean of course. That’s fine. But I make the best case for myself as possible. I tell her everything. Spill my guts. Everything I’ve been holding back from the past. She asks me if I was her what would I would do. I tell her I’d give me a shot and watch me prove it with action and not just words. We actually have a really amazing night. The whole time I’m all over her. We have the best deepest embracing hugs, the nicest kisses. I give me massages and rub her down all night. We end it with McDonald’s and the nicest deepest embrace and kissing ever. The next day, yesterday, we’re chatting and I send a msg at 1pm to which she has not replied. It’s thr next day already (7am). No IG posts. No snaps. Nothing. What’s going on in my mind? Yup she’s on a date with short dude that she has a connection with. Oh yeah so she tells me they had a real connection and wants to give it a real shot. I’m not upset but it’s just a gut punch. A smashing of the ego. All the “what-if’s” start going off. What if she does fall for this guy. I know now what I need to do to make her happy and this guy is just gonna stumble in and take her. Yeah it’s not ideal. I don’t want that at all! But I can’t do anything other than stay the course. Prove to her that this guy ain’t shit by showing her that I’m the best choice and no one will ever hold a candle to me. But the only way to do that is to “let her go” and pray she finds her way back home to me. In the last week I’ve shown her I am that person she wants. But 1 week, 3 times hanging out will not override 1 year if bullshit! It can’t. And now I wait. It’s like the feeling of waiting by the phone for that phone call. Not sure of the news that will be given when it happens. It’s agonizing! my heart feels raw. I’ve gone at least a few days without eating cause of the stress. Smoked so many packs if cigarettes. And mentally agonized over this all day everything almost. Well like 50% of the days. I’ll have one good one an done bad one. And today is a toss up. 2 hours sleep last night. Talked to 3 diff people about it. And they all agree that I need to stay the course. If she’s smart, they say, she will realize I’m the best choice and come back. Till then there’s nothing I can do. I need to let her see that no guy will ever compare to me. The way I touch her, love her, make her laugh. Our futures are aligned. There’s no one that’s gonna be in her level like I am. I just need time. And I need the ability to show her more, if I can. The only way is to allow her to go on dates and see that the competition is nothing. So I will wait. Smoke and wait lol