The finale 

Posted: August 27, 2017 in Heart

The sauga of Christie as my GF is officially over. Well in my heart. Do I love her? Of course. Do I want to be with her? Of course. But we all knew it had to end at some point. And that point was today. Today has been quite a day to say the least. Started off with me going nuts in my head. Unable to get her out.  Had some really good talks on the phone. Had some good talks in person. Talked to Christie 3 times on the phone. The last of which I told her everything else I had inside. I even wrote a thing to tell her. Then at the end she spelled it out in no uncertain terms. She lost the obsession with me. Which later on in the phone call preceeding it with my seminar manager, she spelled it out that what I have for her now and what she had for me then wasn’t love but attachment. Something the Buddhist is the one thing we need to let go of. She does love me. We even ended the call like that. I love you bye. But not in an obsession attachment kind of way. Like fam love kind of way. And I want settled. Till I got the call from my seminar leader. And she explained it all. I felt better after. Kinda sad tho. On paper we make the best couple. Allstars. And she even knows that the feeling at the beginning fades. And only true love remains. But the sad part is her chemicals are raging strong and she thinks that that’s love. That’s what she needs. She needs the attachment. And that’s so sad. We make the perfect couple on paper. Have the same ideas about life and where we want to be. And loves me to death. But needs the attachment. And that is never permanent. The only thing that leads to is sadness and misery. And my heart hurts cause of it. For her. But she has to find her way in life like I must. I offered her the world. Unconditional love and devotion. Affection. Intimacy. And time. All of it. The kind of love that will outlast the ages. And instead, she wants attachment. They say that the beginning feelings you get to a person is feuled by chemicals. And what settles out of that is true love. They say that if you can picture yourself with a person 50 years down the road then you know you found it. Maybe I found it. Maybe I didn’t. At the beginning she was attached and I wasn’t. I had real love for her. Then the tables turned and she broke her attachment and I started mine. The love is there. But now the attachment on both our parts is over. And I made sure of that today. 

After that I had a long talk with jillian about business. We’re gonna give it a go to create the empire we want. And it’s gonna revolve around her knowhow and my vision. It’s gonna be one helluva empire! No name yet but you’ll hear about it soon enough. It’s gonna be huge! 

So right in time, a lovely lady friend msgs me at the end of the day and wants to come by. She does. And shit went fucking ddoowwnnnn!!! And with one stroke it was over. Erased. Attachment broken. I’ve resisted this for months now since the breakup date cause I always had hope it would reignite. But obv by the talk we had today that doesn’t look like a possibility. And I’m not sure if it’s even the right thing that was meant to be. I wanted out of it so long ago. Months. But could never do it. Saying if I could have her as a friend it would be amazing. I got it. Then didn’t want it and wanted back into the fold. Well now I forcibly got what I wanted. And that’s the way it has to be. And I’m OK with that. Right now at least lol. Who knows about tomorrow lol. Tomorrow is another day. The key to living fully is to be in the moment. Living by choosing to be there moment by moment. Choosing each moment as it is and nothing more. There really is nothing in life other than this moment that we have right now. One more might not be granted. And anything other than dully choosing to be in each moment in all its greatness and sadness is a waste of life. If you don’t choose to be where you are right now, then you’ll never be. Ever. 

With that said a new beginning is created. Once we choose the moment we are in then we can be complete with it. And once we are complete with it then we can create the space to create anything we want. Anything. We can be anyone or anything we want. But as long as we hold on to the past of the future then we can never ever be anywhere. Cause we’re not there. Not present. It’s good to have goals dreams. But the moment is really all we have. Why do you think so many people are never satisfied by by the carrot they are chasing? It’s cause they never get it! You will never ever ever get that carrot. And the moment you think you got it then you really must stop and think about it. That carrot doesn’t even exist. It’s not real. Only the moment you have exists. The carrot is the final destination. And in life there really is only one final destination. And that’s death. So if you think you got the carrot then you really have no idea what that carrot is. There’s only the road. There’s never the destination. Only the road exists. That’s the road of happiness. To truly be free you must embrace the road and the journey. Be in the discovery. Not in the know. As there is nothing to know. Nothing figure out. It’s a mystery. The moment has to happen and then the choice has to be made, not the other way around. There is no answer, be in the exploration. Stop trying to figure it all out! And listen. People talk but we don’t even listen to what they’re saying. We always give them what we think we want from them and not what they as asking for. Even when you think you have it figured out, you don’t! There’s nothing to figure out! Choose the confusion, being the jerk that has to figure it all out. Choose to be exactly where you are right now at this very moment and nowhere else. In the pain, in the grief, in the sorrow, in the happens, in the joy, in the madness, in the chaos. Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. No story. Just fact. The fact is I’m sitting outside in my zero chair on a cool August night listening to the sounds of nature weaving this tale for you to read. And I’m choosing to be here right now. No where else. This is my choice. I choose this. And I’m free. 

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