Jan/13/2017 (Friday The 13th)

Posted: January 14, 2017 in Heart

​Extremely cranky today. Just off. Idunno what it is. Somethings just not right. Angry. Is it residuals of the fight last night? Something external? Not clear just yet. 

0830: 1x exhilarin 

0930: pineapple juice, 1 scoop phytoberry, bee pollen, mct 

0945: black tea, honey, creamer 

1000: 1x T-Relief arthritis tablet 

So even from such long distance, the fight still comes. Damn this technology!! She’s concerned that I don’t think she’s hot. Granted I don’t tell her she’s hot all the time. And there’s a reason for that. She’s the biggest story maker ever!! Twists everything I say to mean that I’m slamming her in some sort of way. When we first went out I would say how hot she was, but I felt free to speak my mind. So I would make comments on her looks. But what I quickly found what that every word I’d say would be scrutinized and eventually twisted to mean something it didn’t, making me the bad guy. So I just stopped bringing up anything to do with looks or appearance. From how she looks to how she’s dressed or what I think of anything to do with such stuff. Better safe than sorry. So anyways. I’m Exhausted after a long long day. Finally in bed by 10. She has to resolve something so needs to call. So ok, we can talk quick. She calls. Asks if I think she’s hot. I say yes. She wants an explanation as to why I don’t tell her this. Worst feeling. Cause now I have to explain why. I tell her I have the hardest time telling her what I think or being completely honest about certain things so I just don’t say them to avoid her twisting it and adding a her “story” to it and making it mean something it doesn’t. She insists I do it anyways and she’s just gonna listen. So I tell her. Yes a long drawn out explanation. What do I get in return? Her being extremely defensive. So it begins. From that point I can’t get 3 words in about what she is asking for without her being defensive. The fight begins. I get slammed. Over and over. Proving the point I was making in the first place. Saying she asks for something and I criticise her about everything else. Meanwhile it’s me explain what I think and why I can’t say what I wanna say. Saying if I can’t accept her the way she is then there’s no point to go on, but in much worse words. And it still hadn’t stopped. Still getting messages as I write this about how it’s all my fault. Just goes to show. Never speak my mind or tell her what I feel or think. Just keep in inside, suppress it until it pops. Then walk away. That seems like the only option right now, with only one outcome in site. Sad and unfortunate. I thought this was the one. But she won’t ever let me express myself without making it mean something terrible. She wants to resolve her issues but when it comes to me resolving mine, it’s a no go. So that’s fine. So be it. I feel like I need to scream. To call her terrible names and say terrible words. The frustration builds up with no end in site other than the final end. 

1330: nerves tonic tea

1430: 4 eggs, 2 chicken hotdogs, cheese, spices, saurkraut, sweet green olives, 1x liberte kefir

Time has passed and I’ve calmed down a bit. I’ve also been drinking verbal tonic tea. Stuff is a God send. It’s when I need to get rid of anger and be happy. I don’t know how it works but it works. Always have some on hand!! Anyways, so I’m not a blogger by nature. Just always loved to write. I have books stacked with writings. Well more like ranting. They really are the rantings of a madman lol. We all need to vent and let it out. It’s just never convenient to do so. As humans we must learn to have a release. Be it the gym, killing some weights or in a quiet room screaming your head off to get it out. Regardless of the method, it needs to come out. A wise friend one told me that when it feels like your fighting it on the inside, stop and let it win. Let it take you over. If your fighting crying, don’t! Ball your eyes out! If you wanna laugh, laugh hysterically!! If you wanna scream, then find a good place to do it obviously, and scream till your throat is raw. Let it out. Whatever you resist, persists. That’s the rule of the game. So don’t resist it. Let it happen.  Let it out. And for me it’s in my writing. I love go talk and talk and rant on and on until it’s finished and out, but sadly I don’t have anyone anymore that wants to let me get it out with them. I always figured it would be the girl Im dating, but it doesn’t seem to be that way for most. They don’t seem to wanna hear it. I know maybe it sounds absurd, cause sometimes the thing I wanna rant about is due to the person I’d be ranting to. And that obviously won’t work, so I don’t know why I thought for a second that it would. She asks me to tell her the things I’m feeling or on my mind so it can be dealt with, so against my better judgement I do, thinking it will get it out and help me to deal with it. Instead, which is what I knew would happen anyways, she takes it the wrong way, like it’s a slam of some sort, and becomes all  defensive and the fight happens. Then I get blamed for renting on about nonsense and that I think it’s all about me that I don’t accept her for who she is. How this led to that Im still not exactly sure, but it’s always the path that seems to be taken. Regardless. I need to get it out. So I started this blog. I would love it if this helped one person to know they they are not alone in the struggles of life. That no matter what position you hold in life, there will always be it’s ups and it’s downs. And just when you think you’ve stuck gold, turns out there’s a bear trap set next to it. Ouch! Actually it’s more like a mine field with bear traps and poison ivy, killer bees, pools with piranhas, and pumas just waiting to jump and tear you to bits.  Something like that. Then if by some miracle you make it and grab the gold, it falls away to reveal an empty lonely abyss. Making one think if it’s worth it afterall that. 
Socrates says:  “Life contains but two tragedies. One is not to get your heart’s desire; the other is to get it.”
I don’t know what’s worse.  Not getting what you want out of life or actually getting it. I can’t count the number of times I’ve wanted something, only to get it, and realize that I wish I hadn’t! Tragic realization. 

Just when so emoting becomes too concrete and the realization of the final chapter arises, I get scared. Like really scared. I panick. And I start to distance myself away from that thing. Be it a job, a person, or any sort of commitment. Most times it’s people that do it. The 6 Months rule. I’ve had it for as long as I can remember. 6 months and out. I never saw anything wrong with living life 6 months at a time. It kept me balanced. Kept me fresh. Kept me reinventing myself every 6 months. And it usually revolved around a new girl. Never got stale. The romance never really faded. It was that crazy movie kind if love for, in constant format. Only thing that it called for was change. Constant change. Anything over that and it felt like I stalled. And when I stall it’s like a plane stalling in mid air. There’s only one direction. And that’s straight down, rreeaaallllll quick!!!! And they was terrifying!!! So how does one deal with this and attempt to have a long term serious relationship?? That’s the billion dollar question.  I’m still trying to figure that one out. Im open to all suggestions. But then again all I keep hearing is, “you’ll know when you find it”. Bullshit!

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