Jan/04/2017

Posted: January 5, 2017 in A-Fib, Heart, Random Rants, Trials of Life
Tags: , ,

0330: woken up for a fight. She lost her ring I gave her for Christmas. She can’t sleep. So why should I right?? She tells me about it. In my sleepy vulnerable state I thought that I could speak freely. Speak my mind. Speak from the heart. I blabbered on, cause that’s just what I do. I felt really good. She wasn’t arguing or saying anything in return. I thought maybe she was asleep! Turns out she wasn’t. She was just holding her tongue. And then she spoke. And then we fought. And fought and fought and fought till about 5am. Why? If I try to show or teach her anything I’ve learned in my life, me being 10 years older, she sees it as me putting her down. And for her, she was t’s to be “equal or above”  so that’s fine. I tried for so long to tell her I don’t see anyone as above or below. We all on the same level ground. But so many have taught me growing up and I wanna give that to her so she had this valuable knowledge that I wish I had been told years earlier. Not for change, but to just have it. Take it. Use it or not, that’s up to you, but let me speak it. It’s the #1 thing I crave. For me it’s self expression. If I can say what I want without having to think and rethink about it for fear of it being the wrong thing to do, then I’m happy. That’s why I feel in love with her in the first place. We spoke for 3-4 hours every single day! She let me talk and talk and talk. I melted. I was in so much love. I flew to Not her country for her cause I loved it so much. And now, I’m being asked to not. Not talk, not teach, not show, not have any self expression for fear that it might piss her off and cause her to resent me cause it might comes off as me putting her down or invalidating her worth or controlling her by “telling her what to do” . So that’s that I guess. I’ll just stuff it inside. Or learn to deal with it some other way with some other person. The complete girl I’ve always wanted and thought she was at the beginning, turns out isn’t her. And in that I realize that my vision of the complete girl is off. She really doesn’t exist in my realm. Not in this life. Why be a single bachelor so far? What’s the point, the one I want doesn’t exist in this life, so why chase her?  It’s like chasing after a sasquatch. To all those that have found the perfect one for them, I say. . . I’m super happy for all you. Your lucky and blessed. For the rest of us, we either settle or live a lonely life. Going from relationship to relationship, cold hearted. Waiting for the day when the director yells CCUUUTTTT! And then it’s a wrap. Enjoyed or not, it all had to end eventually.
0700: 1x exhilarin

0730: 2x probiotic

0735: tulsi chai tea

1130: 2 drops d+k, 1x ALA, 1x carnitine, 1x CoQ10, 2x fish oil, earl gray tea

1900: 2x l-theanine, 1 x complex, 2x b3

2100: lobster ravioli, virgin ceasar

2200: 1x digestive enzymes

2245: 1tsp calm magnesium
Amazing dinner out at victoria house. Great food, amazing atmosphere, amazing people around. Super cool. No fighting. Laughing the whole time. Truly made the entire trip worth it. Lots and lots of laughs.  We jokes around like we were kids. So super immature and yet so much fun. Made fun if each other, laughed, joked, we were totally in our own world. Felt super appreciated by the crew around for all the world we are doing here on the island, making people lives better, enriching them, empowering them. Felt at peace. Clear minded. Happy. Joyous. Surrounded any friends. What a great night. And the “lobster in a blanket with his friends camping” dish was pretty good too. Oh and they make the BEST bloody marry drink EEVVEERRRRR!!!!!! Even if it’s a virgin.

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