Dec/30/2016

Posted: January 5, 2017 in Heart

​0730: 1x exhilarin 

0800: chai tea masala 

0930: coffee alternative 
Got my first heart skip in days. What happened differently? Only slept a few hours last night. And a shit ton of stress. Why? Wanna guess? Not that hard to figure out. Yet another fight. This one was bad. I freaked out. Almost smashed the light bulbs in the bathroom lol I lost it. What happened? Well, it was over a me not wanting to fk over some employees and her being heartless as always and not even trying to do anything more to fight for them. So we fought from 8pm till 3am. Ending ok with sleep. This morning was ok until I get asked to get something for her. Why go out of my way? So I don’t. Obv causes another issue. I leave to go get fryjacks, my fave breakfast food and I kept getting passed over. Waiting forever. The finally get it and has to wait forever to pay. Needless to say I lost my appetite. So now I’m smoking cigars again. I feel like breaking down. I feel so defeated. I’m getting fought on all fronts. No refuge. Work is a fight. This belize thing is a fight. The relationship is a fight every single day. I can’t speak without her trying to shut me down. I feel like I’m drowning with no end in site. I feel like I need to be alone,  roll up in a ball in bed and just let out some tears. But that won’t happen. But I can’t. Can’t show weakness here. Animals. So now the only time I don’t have a front on is when I sleep. Or when I’m showing. And even there isn’t safe.  She will wake me up out of a dead sleep to fight. Or burst in the shower to fight. No escape. No refuge. If I drank I’d be wasted right now. If I smoked weed I’d be high as a kite. But I don’t. So here I sit. In “paradise”, back go the water, head burried in this phone, writing out my woes. Depressed as fk. Wondering how much more of this I can or will take. The Buddha says : “Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world.” Her words have never been kind. Unkind words destroy everything in their path, especially love. 
1500: 2x d+k

1600: 1x phytoberry, 1 tsp taurine, 1tsp D-ribos, bee pollen, 1tsp maca, 1 scoop whey, 1tsp arginine, 1x potassium iodide, 2x probiotic, 1x carnitine, 1x CoQ10, 1x ALA 

1630: tea: chamomile, hibiscus, hawthorn, fennel, anise, Rose water 

Cold cake from. San Pedro bakery 

1645: 1x gaba 500mg 

2000: 1 tbsp calm magnesium 

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