Dec/29/2016

Posted: January 5, 2017 in Heart

​0600: 1x exhilarin 
So another lovely way to start the day. . . With another fight. 6am fights are always the best. Why waste time and start them on the middle of the day or towards the end and actually enjoy a bit of the day? No sense in that. Get it over with and start it right away. What’s it about this time? She doesn’t feel like she can be open and vulnerable with me. Something that she just learned how to do. Why? She feels like I’m not being vulnerable lol, I’m the one that’s tried to get her to be vulnerable for months and yet now somehow I’m the one not being vulnerable. Why? Cause I’m trying to “teach”  her something about myself. Trying to communicate my inner working so that she gets how I see things and why I do things. Shed light on the way things tick in my brain. For me, when she opens up when she’s drunk and tells me these things I make the most detailed mental notes of them and I never interrupt, I want her to keep going so I learn how she works. How her brain works. If I know how something works the I can work with it and maneuver myself so that I’m in a place where the lines of communication can be open and the relationship can be free and not constricted. But then again that’s me. I just don’t get how a Landmark super trained person can still draw so many stories about words being said. They are words. I speak them to show something. Why not just take them? Throw them our if you need to but why not just allow them to come out instead of drawing a story and disallowing them to even enter? I’m accused of having a tone now. Of a mocking tone. The funny thing is I was so frustrated with how she speaks to me that I wanted to show her what she looks like when she speaks to me like that. And now she’s pissed off and closed off and I’m getting accused of having a mocking tone. Well good morning!!! This is how you sound when you talk to me!! How do you like it?! Not very much. No. So why should I be the doormat? Not gonna happen. This relationship is spiraling on retaliation, spite, fighting, how’s right and who’s wrong, and there’s a shit ton of tension. It’s falling apart at the seams. We’re just hurting each other too much. And it’s evident. I can’t Remeber a day that has gone by without us fighting. It’s gotten worse and worse. And I don’t know how much time is left in this. As long as I am still seen as her mother, this will never get better. And the lines of communication deteriorates along with the relationship. And soon we will no longer be able to speak to each other, much like both our parents. And either be stuck on a spiteful hateful retaliatory relationship where no one speaks to each other and there’s no love.  Or we end it and go on our separate ways. And I promise it will never be the 1st. 

0730: Tulsa chai masala tea

0740: black seed 
1215: 1x carnitine 

1330: 2x probiotic,  sardines and rice 

1335: 1x carnitine, 1x CoQ10, 1x ALA, 

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